only love can change the world
*takes heavy, exaggerated sigh*
I. Am. So. Drained.
I'm finally getting over my cold. My belly button is healing. I'm alive.
So why does everything keep coming around to kick me in the ass?
I mean, granted, it could be worse. it could be SO MUCH WORSE and I should just shut up and be grateful...but it's hard when I'm not experiencing worse things and am experiencing this.
My biggest problem is my computer. I don't even know how I'm able to be online right now to write this because it's been working terribly. I thought after the big virus episode that things would get better, but it's just gotten progressively worse. I had a few trojans pop up yesterday and now, i keep getting messages about the memory being low and to shut down programs that are running. but not much IS running, so I don't know what the hell that means. I also get these pop up things when I restart, which I've had to do about 8 times already. I don't know what to do. My dad is going to take a look at it tomorrow (he is dating a new woman and is totally obsessed with her, which means EVERYTHING else takes a back seat). I know it's inevitable...all the re-formatting and starting from scratch doesn't erase the fact that this is a 3 - 4 year old dell. I'm going to have to get a new computer...but I don't know how I'll be able to afford that. I don't want to just get another replacement Dell just because it's cheap, ya know? I want a computer that's going to last, that's going to WORK the way it's supposed to. But I don't have that kind of money. I don't know where I'm going to get it and it's making me panic. So much of what is important to me is derived from the computer - my friends, my significant other, my writing, my photoshopping...I can't take not having a computer. I simply can't.
Ugh. I just want to cry, but I don't have it in me.
After I went apple picking with Joshua, Jilly, and my aunt, I came home and watched the last episode of Guiding Light. I know that a lot of people don't get the fascination with a soap opera and think that it's just a show and therefore it's not a big deal...but it is. I've watched it for 15 years. (I thought it had been 13 - but my mother confirmed that I started watching it with her when I was in 3rd grade/8 years old). I'd run home from the bus stop so I could catch the last 30 minutes. i would watch with my mom and do my homework, and I'd eagerly eat up every crazy storyline. I grew up watching Josh and Reva....i developed crushes on Annie and Olivia without even realizing what that meant. At that age, when everyone I knew was interested in whatever the children's fads were at the time, I was learning to embrace my individuality and enjoy what *I* wanted to enjoy, not what everyone else expected me to. I collected magazines with my favorite characters and I made a scrapbook out of all the cutouts. I would watch the episodes at 3 every day and if there was a storyline I liked, I'd set my VCR to record the repeat that was aired at 10am the next day. I loved that show. I grew up with that show. Sometimes I outgrew it...I gained other interests, got bored with storylines, went to college...but it was always something steady and there. And when one of my favorite characters, who I religiously followed since she joined the show 10 years ago, began a lesbian relationship, I felt like the show was growing WITH me. It meant the world to see that storyline develop.
Now that it's canceled, it feels like an old friend has died. I've watched the last week of episodes religiously and cried when characters got married and died and came back and moved on. Today's final episode was the perfect closure. It was wonderful to see Olivia and Natalia be a happy lesbian couple (even despite big hats and the lack of intimacy). But what really made it real for me was seeing Josh and Reva driving past the lighthouse together on their way to their future. I never liked Reva. Reva was always the foil of my favorite characters (Annie and Olivia). Having them end up together was just...the perfect way to end it.
Make fun of me if you must, but I'm endlessly sad that it's over.
When the show ended, my sister and I ended up getting into a fight. I don't feel like getting into the logistics of it because i'm just tha drained, but it didn't help the progression of the day.
I don't know. I'm trying to hard to be positive and hold it together, but when I'm grasping at strings to keep things from falling apart, it gets horribly overwhelming.
I really think I may just pack it in and call it a night and hope that I wake up tomorrow with a better outlook.
*sticks tin can outside of journal entry.*
I. Am. So. Drained.
I'm finally getting over my cold. My belly button is healing. I'm alive.
So why does everything keep coming around to kick me in the ass?
I mean, granted, it could be worse. it could be SO MUCH WORSE and I should just shut up and be grateful...but it's hard when I'm not experiencing worse things and am experiencing this.
My biggest problem is my computer. I don't even know how I'm able to be online right now to write this because it's been working terribly. I thought after the big virus episode that things would get better, but it's just gotten progressively worse. I had a few trojans pop up yesterday and now, i keep getting messages about the memory being low and to shut down programs that are running. but not much IS running, so I don't know what the hell that means. I also get these pop up things when I restart, which I've had to do about 8 times already. I don't know what to do. My dad is going to take a look at it tomorrow (he is dating a new woman and is totally obsessed with her, which means EVERYTHING else takes a back seat). I know it's inevitable...all the re-formatting and starting from scratch doesn't erase the fact that this is a 3 - 4 year old dell. I'm going to have to get a new computer...but I don't know how I'll be able to afford that. I don't want to just get another replacement Dell just because it's cheap, ya know? I want a computer that's going to last, that's going to WORK the way it's supposed to. But I don't have that kind of money. I don't know where I'm going to get it and it's making me panic. So much of what is important to me is derived from the computer - my friends, my significant other, my writing, my photoshopping...I can't take not having a computer. I simply can't.
Ugh. I just want to cry, but I don't have it in me.
After I went apple picking with Joshua, Jilly, and my aunt, I came home and watched the last episode of Guiding Light. I know that a lot of people don't get the fascination with a soap opera and think that it's just a show and therefore it's not a big deal...but it is. I've watched it for 15 years. (I thought it had been 13 - but my mother confirmed that I started watching it with her when I was in 3rd grade/8 years old). I'd run home from the bus stop so I could catch the last 30 minutes. i would watch with my mom and do my homework, and I'd eagerly eat up every crazy storyline. I grew up watching Josh and Reva....i developed crushes on Annie and Olivia without even realizing what that meant. At that age, when everyone I knew was interested in whatever the children's fads were at the time, I was learning to embrace my individuality and enjoy what *I* wanted to enjoy, not what everyone else expected me to. I collected magazines with my favorite characters and I made a scrapbook out of all the cutouts. I would watch the episodes at 3 every day and if there was a storyline I liked, I'd set my VCR to record the repeat that was aired at 10am the next day. I loved that show. I grew up with that show. Sometimes I outgrew it...I gained other interests, got bored with storylines, went to college...but it was always something steady and there. And when one of my favorite characters, who I religiously followed since she joined the show 10 years ago, began a lesbian relationship, I felt like the show was growing WITH me. It meant the world to see that storyline develop.
Now that it's canceled, it feels like an old friend has died. I've watched the last week of episodes religiously and cried when characters got married and died and came back and moved on. Today's final episode was the perfect closure. It was wonderful to see Olivia and Natalia be a happy lesbian couple (even despite big hats and the lack of intimacy). But what really made it real for me was seeing Josh and Reva driving past the lighthouse together on their way to their future. I never liked Reva. Reva was always the foil of my favorite characters (Annie and Olivia). Having them end up together was just...the perfect way to end it.
Make fun of me if you must, but I'm endlessly sad that it's over.
When the show ended, my sister and I ended up getting into a fight. I don't feel like getting into the logistics of it because i'm just tha drained, but it didn't help the progression of the day.
I don't know. I'm trying to hard to be positive and hold it together, but when I'm grasping at strings to keep things from falling apart, it gets horribly overwhelming.
I really think I may just pack it in and call it a night and hope that I wake up tomorrow with a better outlook.
*sticks tin can outside of journal entry.*