december felt so wrong cuz you're not where you belong...inside my arms
Well, it's Christmas. I can't believe it. It doesn't feel like Christmas. I'm trying to listen to Christmas carols and trying to invoke some sort of holiday spirit but alas, I got nothin'. I wonder if that's just what happens when you're older? I'm sure it also has to do with being alone and slightly lost in my life, but I guess I'll just try to make the most of it.
It's been a good couple of days. My dad got me a special Christmas present: a webcam! I love it. I'm sort of addicted. There's definitely something to be said for being able to SEE who you are typing to, and it's that much more amazing when you can hear them talking back to you too. Crystal christened my cam with me…hopefully I didn't crack her computer screen! I'm excited to get everyone else turned on to it…I'm so, so lonely at home with friends so far away and this almost makes them…real…tangible.
I finally finished my Secret Santa fic!! I'm very excited…I'm pretty happy with how it came out. I'm nervously awaiting feedback…I really hope people like it! *bites nails nervously*
I got an *amazing* Christmas present last night. It was the perfect timing, too - I had just gotten a very upsetting text message from my mother, and as a means of cheering me up, Emma gave me a gift early: Meryl Streep reading Twas the Night Before Christmas and singing Christmas songs. It was incredible - I almost died when I heard Meryl's voice. It was…amazing. Seriously! Emma wins at life and at gifts…What would I do without her?
As for everything else, I'm doing well. I was quite happy yesterday, all the way up until when I went to bed at 530 in the morning (minus a few bits of melancholy here and there). Today I'm still good but I'm a little wistful because of the holidays. It got me thinking a lot, especially because of my mother being gone. I thought a lot about abandonment and how much it's happened in my life and how terrified I am to lose the people I care about. Despite all of the sincerity that is shown to me, I can't help but worry but somehow I'll push people away or they'll leave anyway. It's just what I'm used to - it's my life. People leave and I end up alone. I guess part of me just goes around holding my breath, waiting for the other shoe to drop. It figures that amazing things are given to me only to be given part-way, or the things I want I can't have or don't know how to get. I'm happy for the things I do have…and I'm scared that it will all disappear.
Oookay, pulling it back in now before I get too melancholy. I'm over tired and I've been drinking wine, so I'm sure that doesn't help.
I have a very strong urge to watch "Falling in Love"…perhaps tomorrow.
I think that's all I have to say…and probably all I should really write. Alcohol makes me lose my brain-to-mouth filter and it's probably best to stop now.
Merry Christmas to all of those who celebrate it.