Twilight
Title: Twilight
Author: ubiquirk
Fandoms: BtVS/Twilight
Rating: G
Genre: humor, crack!fic
Word Count: ~450
Characters: Buffy, Twilight
Disclaimer: Not mine; no money.
AN: The concurrence of names finally got to be too much (Twilight as the name of the season 8 BtVS big bad and that new vampire fandom). Not very kind to ‘Mr. Sparkle.’ Admittedly, I have not read Twilight.
Summary: Buffy finally unmasks Twilight with surprising results for both.
The next time Twilight attacks Buffy, things go a little differently than their previous encounters. Angrier with the loss of others like Renee, she fights ruthlessly.
After long minutes, Buffy feints a jab to his face so that she can deliver a snap kick to his leg that collapses his knee. Reaching forward, her fingers tangle in fabric, and with a jerk, she finally removes Twilight’s mask.
There are no flames.
“Wait. You can withstand daylight?” She frowns. “I thought you said you were a vampire.”
“I am a special vampire.” Edward stands, tossing his abundant hair, sunlight glinting off one perfect cheekbone.
“Oh … my … god. Did you just sparkle?”
“I did not.” He holds up a fist in a fighting stance. It glitters where the glove is ripped.
“You did too. You just sparkled! I totally get the whole mask thing now. What kind of vampire did you say you were again?”
“Ours is an old and proud clan from the …”
She holds up a hand. “Listen. I’ve already dealt with both the Master and Mr. Eurotrash himself - you know, Dracula - so if you don’t have anything else going for you, can we just fight now?”
“You still want to fight?” His hand falls to his side as his shoulders slump. “You are not fascinated by my beauty?”
“Hwha? Umm, no. You obviously haven’t seen Spike without his shirt on, or Angel for that matter. You’re …” She gestures towards him, her hand flapping up and down.
Edward tosses his hair, chin rising. “Amazing?”
“Look. Can we just fight?”
“Not until you tell me how attracted you are to me.”
“You’re, err … pretty?”
“Pretty? That’s it?”
She spreads her arms wide. “What do you want me to say?”
“The truth.” He gives her a soulful, no, soulless, no, boy!pain look and tosses his hair and sparkles extra hard.
“Well … you’re cute, but you look like somebody’s kid brother, and the last time that happened, things got a little squicky, even if it was a spell.” She shakes her head. “And I’m used to guys who look like men. I like men, or well, women too, but that’s not the point. The point is I like grown-ups.”
“But … but the cheekbones, the hair!” He gestures to each.
Sighing, Buffy says, “You really never did meet Spike or Angel, did you?” She launches a roundhouse kick at his head, and he’s slow to duck.
The fight is short, his punches lackluster, his blocks halfhearted. The stake finds its mark.
As his dust scatters, Buffy walks away, saying, “At least I can tease Xander that I finally met a vamp way lamer than Drac.”
Author: ubiquirk
Fandoms: BtVS/Twilight
Rating: G
Genre: humor, crack!fic
Word Count: ~450
Characters: Buffy, Twilight
Disclaimer: Not mine; no money.
AN: The concurrence of names finally got to be too much (Twilight as the name of the season 8 BtVS big bad and that new vampire fandom). Not very kind to ‘Mr. Sparkle.’ Admittedly, I have not read Twilight.
Summary: Buffy finally unmasks Twilight with surprising results for both.
The next time Twilight attacks Buffy, things go a little differently than their previous encounters. Angrier with the loss of others like Renee, she fights ruthlessly.
After long minutes, Buffy feints a jab to his face so that she can deliver a snap kick to his leg that collapses his knee. Reaching forward, her fingers tangle in fabric, and with a jerk, she finally removes Twilight’s mask.
There are no flames.
“Wait. You can withstand daylight?” She frowns. “I thought you said you were a vampire.”
“I am a special vampire.” Edward stands, tossing his abundant hair, sunlight glinting off one perfect cheekbone.
“Oh … my … god. Did you just sparkle?”
“I did not.” He holds up a fist in a fighting stance. It glitters where the glove is ripped.
“You did too. You just sparkled! I totally get the whole mask thing now. What kind of vampire did you say you were again?”
“Ours is an old and proud clan from the …”
She holds up a hand. “Listen. I’ve already dealt with both the Master and Mr. Eurotrash himself - you know, Dracula - so if you don’t have anything else going for you, can we just fight now?”
“You still want to fight?” His hand falls to his side as his shoulders slump. “You are not fascinated by my beauty?”
“Hwha? Umm, no. You obviously haven’t seen Spike without his shirt on, or Angel for that matter. You’re …” She gestures towards him, her hand flapping up and down.
Edward tosses his hair, chin rising. “Amazing?”
“Look. Can we just fight?”
“Not until you tell me how attracted you are to me.”
“You’re, err … pretty?”
“Pretty? That’s it?”
She spreads her arms wide. “What do you want me to say?”
“The truth.” He gives her a soulful, no, soulless, no, boy!pain look and tosses his hair and sparkles extra hard.
“Well … you’re cute, but you look like somebody’s kid brother, and the last time that happened, things got a little squicky, even if it was a spell.” She shakes her head. “And I’m used to guys who look like men. I like men, or well, women too, but that’s not the point. The point is I like grown-ups.”
“But … but the cheekbones, the hair!” He gestures to each.
Sighing, Buffy says, “You really never did meet Spike or Angel, did you?” She launches a roundhouse kick at his head, and he’s slow to duck.
The fight is short, his punches lackluster, his blocks halfhearted. The stake finds its mark.
As his dust scatters, Buffy walks away, saying, “At least I can tease Xander that I finally met a vamp way lamer than Drac.”