i guess i'm feeling talkative
Today is the last full day that I will be in Albuquerque. It's been a long month. I'm still conflicted.
So I came back and I was excited. It was really good to see everyone and I found that Lex is grown up and capable of being a good friend, which was really nice to find. So I had Lex. And Desirae and Willy and my mom. That was about it.
I told my dad about the outcome of my semester at Whitman and he lost his shit on me. He told me he wouldn't help me to go back to school anywhere, wouldn't help me establish credit by helping me get an apartment because I obviously didn't care about him and blah blah blah. I fought back with all of the ammo I had. I told him all of the negative things I could possibly say. Then I was basically out. Out of ammo, out of the family.
The same day that all of this went down, I somehow got involved directly in this huge conflict between Samuel and Gayle. This, of course, was namely because I spend more time with him than she does. And that just breaks down to me being his girlfriend and being chosen and she being his mother, hurt, and pushing him away. It's a bad road. So that was dramatic. I just hate to see Samuel hurt. When she stepped up to the door and started in on me, I tried to be honest and get her to hear me and wake her up so she'd stop ruining their relationship, but instead i worry that it may have just hurt samuel anymore. She caught me in her trap and she got what she was seeking. I don't feel that negative about it; I'm over it, i'm just trying to explain it, in retrospect.
Anyway, eventually I got through to my dad. He understood and he agreed to help me go back to whitman. Thank christ! But then again, I wasn't that sure that I actually wanted to go back, so I was being thrown into whitman again and found that I had, again, lost control of the situation.
One day, I was feeling shitty and like I Needed To Get Out Of Albuquerque And Back To Walla Walla. I called Brett for comfort, and he told me that he had decided not to go back to Whitman. Damn. That threw me into an absolute tailspin and I lost my shit for a couple of days. I at one point was sure that I wasn't going back, and then woke up one morning and decided that I just had to go back, Brett and Samuel or Not, and figure shit out.
Then it was new years. It was mine and Samuel's 1yr/2.5yr anniversary type thing and we went out to sushi and spent all night sitting on the floor of his dad's house, with only eachother.
Then one day I called brett just to tell him happy new years and he told me, to my great suprise, that he had decided TO GO BACK!!!! to whitman!!! Wooohooo! So then I felt great about my decision, knowing that we had both, totally independently, decided to go back. And everything worked out fine.
The last couple of weeks have been sort of a blur. Sam left, and I've spent a lot of time doing a lot of nothing. I got out my electric and started up playing it.
Now I feel sort of unmotivated. But, today, I've got so much to do. So much. So fucking much! Damn! and I've got to get it done because I have to leave in less than 24 hours. Then I'll be in Seattle. It'll be good.
Next semester seems really exciting for me. So many people are coming back to Whitman. Sure, there will be a couple of casualties or studying abroad (ehem, Bennnn), but Kyle S-J, Matt Reale, Will and Colleen will all be back. And it'll be spring time. And, with any luck, I'll be living in my own apartment, confronting my shit. I know it's a bad thing that I haven't found an apartment yet, but I will. That's something I have to do today, actually. Damn.
But I'm also terrified, yes. If things aren't better than they were last semester, I'm going to have to figure out some other shit to do. But I have hope. A lot of it. And at this point, that means a lot to me. It'll all work out.
So anyway, things here are weird. I've made peace with my dad's family and actually had a really great time with my younger siblings. They're so cool now and so funny and, if i were a better person, I'd probably want to spend all of my time with them. It's been so nice to get to know them,, though. Really nice.
I feel weird about leaving my mom, but I know it's time. That i'm just a little too grown up to be here at home. And I'm worried that if i continue to live with her I won't be able to value her so much as I always have before.
And I've got friends here and it's been really nice to see them. But if there is one realization that I've had over the past month is that there are very few people that constitute my support system. I've come to terms with this, actually, but it's a weird feeling to know that there are so few people in this world on whom I can fully (or even moderately) depend on. And maybe that's just what i've gotta figure out before I can get over my shit and be an adult, really. So, okay man. I'm just floating alone on this river.
But hey, life's a garden; you've gotta dig it.
hahaha.
love,
lucy
So I came back and I was excited. It was really good to see everyone and I found that Lex is grown up and capable of being a good friend, which was really nice to find. So I had Lex. And Desirae and Willy and my mom. That was about it.
I told my dad about the outcome of my semester at Whitman and he lost his shit on me. He told me he wouldn't help me to go back to school anywhere, wouldn't help me establish credit by helping me get an apartment because I obviously didn't care about him and blah blah blah. I fought back with all of the ammo I had. I told him all of the negative things I could possibly say. Then I was basically out. Out of ammo, out of the family.
The same day that all of this went down, I somehow got involved directly in this huge conflict between Samuel and Gayle. This, of course, was namely because I spend more time with him than she does. And that just breaks down to me being his girlfriend and being chosen and she being his mother, hurt, and pushing him away. It's a bad road. So that was dramatic. I just hate to see Samuel hurt. When she stepped up to the door and started in on me, I tried to be honest and get her to hear me and wake her up so she'd stop ruining their relationship, but instead i worry that it may have just hurt samuel anymore. She caught me in her trap and she got what she was seeking. I don't feel that negative about it; I'm over it, i'm just trying to explain it, in retrospect.
Anyway, eventually I got through to my dad. He understood and he agreed to help me go back to whitman. Thank christ! But then again, I wasn't that sure that I actually wanted to go back, so I was being thrown into whitman again and found that I had, again, lost control of the situation.
One day, I was feeling shitty and like I Needed To Get Out Of Albuquerque And Back To Walla Walla. I called Brett for comfort, and he told me that he had decided not to go back to Whitman. Damn. That threw me into an absolute tailspin and I lost my shit for a couple of days. I at one point was sure that I wasn't going back, and then woke up one morning and decided that I just had to go back, Brett and Samuel or Not, and figure shit out.
Then it was new years. It was mine and Samuel's 1yr/2.5yr anniversary type thing and we went out to sushi and spent all night sitting on the floor of his dad's house, with only eachother.
Then one day I called brett just to tell him happy new years and he told me, to my great suprise, that he had decided TO GO BACK!!!! to whitman!!! Wooohooo! So then I felt great about my decision, knowing that we had both, totally independently, decided to go back. And everything worked out fine.
The last couple of weeks have been sort of a blur. Sam left, and I've spent a lot of time doing a lot of nothing. I got out my electric and started up playing it.
Now I feel sort of unmotivated. But, today, I've got so much to do. So much. So fucking much! Damn! and I've got to get it done because I have to leave in less than 24 hours. Then I'll be in Seattle. It'll be good.
Next semester seems really exciting for me. So many people are coming back to Whitman. Sure, there will be a couple of casualties or studying abroad (ehem, Bennnn), but Kyle S-J, Matt Reale, Will and Colleen will all be back. And it'll be spring time. And, with any luck, I'll be living in my own apartment, confronting my shit. I know it's a bad thing that I haven't found an apartment yet, but I will. That's something I have to do today, actually. Damn.
But I'm also terrified, yes. If things aren't better than they were last semester, I'm going to have to figure out some other shit to do. But I have hope. A lot of it. And at this point, that means a lot to me. It'll all work out.
So anyway, things here are weird. I've made peace with my dad's family and actually had a really great time with my younger siblings. They're so cool now and so funny and, if i were a better person, I'd probably want to spend all of my time with them. It's been so nice to get to know them,, though. Really nice.
I feel weird about leaving my mom, but I know it's time. That i'm just a little too grown up to be here at home. And I'm worried that if i continue to live with her I won't be able to value her so much as I always have before.
And I've got friends here and it's been really nice to see them. But if there is one realization that I've had over the past month is that there are very few people that constitute my support system. I've come to terms with this, actually, but it's a weird feeling to know that there are so few people in this world on whom I can fully (or even moderately) depend on. And maybe that's just what i've gotta figure out before I can get over my shit and be an adult, really. So, okay man. I'm just floating alone on this river.
But hey, life's a garden; you've gotta dig it.
hahaha.
love,
lucy