(no subject)
I think the problem is that I'm scared. I have never been more terrified in my life. When Willy and Sam left I thought things couldn't get worse, so I worked to make them better. Little did I know that by building up love and ambition I was only giving myself more to lose. And now, even if I haven't lost it, I live with the fear of losing it every moment of every day.
I love sam. I can't tell you how long it's been since I've heard myself saying that and had it resonate within me, but it is now. I haven't been all that great to him--to myself, to anyone--as of late, and I think that hurt us all. But today, I miss him with all my heart even though he's just at work and will be back before four. I don't miss him because I want his arms to hold me and make me forget--though perhaps that would be nice. I miss him because he understands and I want him to hold my hand and think and understand with me.
I think I might be going home tomorrow, for a couple of weeks. The dean has excused me from classes, so I'm going to go and get some distance and some distanced support for myself. I'm going to go home and see my siblings and my mom and my dad and desirae and chad. And I'll do my work and send it in, and come back over thanksgiving break. It'll be tough, I think. But perhaps that being tough is what I need right now.
I was sitting under the bridge, and I was mesmerized by the water. Caught in it, racing and waving away, i found out that life might not just be the death of me.
I love sam. I can't tell you how long it's been since I've heard myself saying that and had it resonate within me, but it is now. I haven't been all that great to him--to myself, to anyone--as of late, and I think that hurt us all. But today, I miss him with all my heart even though he's just at work and will be back before four. I don't miss him because I want his arms to hold me and make me forget--though perhaps that would be nice. I miss him because he understands and I want him to hold my hand and think and understand with me.
I think I might be going home tomorrow, for a couple of weeks. The dean has excused me from classes, so I'm going to go and get some distance and some distanced support for myself. I'm going to go home and see my siblings and my mom and my dad and desirae and chad. And I'll do my work and send it in, and come back over thanksgiving break. It'll be tough, I think. But perhaps that being tough is what I need right now.
I was sitting under the bridge, and I was mesmerized by the water. Caught in it, racing and waving away, i found out that life might not just be the death of me.