(no subject)
I can't say.
I'm feeling hopeless and weird and sad despite the self-evident beauty of all things. In the mornings, I can't wake up and in the nights I can't go to sleep. In the day I can't function and at work, I find myself more and more consistently frustrated with the teachers than euphoric because of the beaming children that I'm surrounded by.
Yesterday I woke up and I just couldn't go in to work. It just wasn't going to happen. This is getting bad. I have nearly no hours for this paycheck what so ever. That's because I never can wake up and I never want to come in.
I feel like an alien here (at work? in albuquerque?). I just want to chill with the kids and make them smile and be happy, so long as they're not being violent or obnoxious. I'm all for teaching manners and having rules, but I'm also into even enforcement of the rules. I feel like Jamie and Stephanie (my co-teachers) along with many of the other teachers target their least favorite kid.
Today I was on the playground after lunch and these kids, Jacob and Bihn who are Bubblegum Bandits (3 and 4 year olds) started burying my feet. They told me that it would freeze me in place and that they'd eat me. I know that Bihn has communication problems, and I know that Jacob is a "problem child" but I was going to play along, damnit. They told me to try to walk and I oh-so-dramatically "fell down" because my feet had been "glued down". Jacob thought this was hysterical and started to try to climb on me to "eat" me. I'm okay with this. The kid is young and striving for attention so I was going to go with it and run around with him on my shoulders and everything. I start to get up and Stephanie and this other teacher are like, "Jacob, get off of her." and scold him. Then Stephanie, who I've begun to realize is a total bitch, tells me that for my information, I should know that if jacob gets an opportunity, he'll grab your boobs. Okay. So, he should be punished for playing when he hasn't in fact done anything wrong yet? I feel like that's a bridge one should cross when one comes to it.
Then Annika wanted to change back into her normal shirt from her long-sleeve one. I told her that if her normal one was dry (it was water play day) she could change. Then Stephanie, as Annika is changing, asks Annika who said she could change her shirt. Then i say, "uh, I did" and Stephanie acts all appalled and shit. Bitch.
Then Abbie needs to go to the bathroom. Before we went outside, Stephanie had said, "use the bathroom now because I'm not going to bring anyone back inside." Abbie used the bathroom. Now, there is the obvious point that Abbie didn't actually have to go to the bathroom, but Jamie and Stephanie start telling abbie how she should've gone before she went outside, and that she'd just have to hold it. I'm not saying that they should've brought her inside to use the bathroom, but it is clearly their negligence that allows them to be such assholes to Abbie on a regular basis, as this has happened before.
Oh, and another thing. The other day, Jamie was talking about how he doesn't understand Islam because Islamic women wear the veil and aren't allowed to talk to anyone outside of their family (which isn't necessarily even true, btw) and was talking about how the only islamic chicks he had ever met had absolutely no view on the world, nothing to say and were just enormously boring. Then there was a pause in the conversation because I was debating in my head how to react to this. Then he turns to me and says, "you don't talk much, i bet you could be a good islamic chick." I don't really know how to react to that, still. In my mid-eastern studies class, we had to wear veils for a day, we visited a muslim school and we went to friday services at the local mosque and by the end of the day, I thought that Islam was enormously cool. So i bet that, in some societies with a more leniant code for women, I could be a damn good muslim woman. But that's just so backhanded it's appalling.
At least now, having thought about and typed all of this out, I have some rationale behind my quasi-hatred of life right now.
Basically, I want to sleep enough. I want to sleep until I wake up naturally, and then pull myself out of my obnoxiously comfortable day. I want to sit up, write, paint, create, smoke a bowl of sheesha, go on an adventure, eat a meal, and chill then go to sleep. I don't want to come to work and be harassed. I don't want to have to deal with this. And the thing is, I probably deserve to be treated like I don't know anything because I'm hardly ever here. Less than them, anyway, and besides which I'm new here. I should be treated as inept because I am a total slacker, but I think that it all goes in a circle, you know? Like, I'm sorry that I have nothing to say when Jamie trashes albuquerque. I think he's a hypocrite, but I am too. And my education here at serendipity taught me to think through my words before I declare them as fact. God damn.
In good news, I'll be on my last day of work here in two weeks. Then I'll officially just be doing babysitting with two cool as fuck little kids. Also, in less than two weeks, Willy will be home. The harder and less tolerable and more anxious my life here gets, the more i look forward to Willy gettng home because he's going to listen and Know What I'm Saying. I'm looking forward so much to willy coming home. He's going to drive me to school, too. Oh Man that's going to be so much fun. Also, I hear rumors of Andy possibly coming down by himself just to get some sibling time in, and that sounds like it would be bad ass.
Also in good news, I only have another three hours of this shift to go, and then I can go home and try to enjoy the weekend.
Jebus Christ.
love,
lucy
I'm feeling hopeless and weird and sad despite the self-evident beauty of all things. In the mornings, I can't wake up and in the nights I can't go to sleep. In the day I can't function and at work, I find myself more and more consistently frustrated with the teachers than euphoric because of the beaming children that I'm surrounded by.
Yesterday I woke up and I just couldn't go in to work. It just wasn't going to happen. This is getting bad. I have nearly no hours for this paycheck what so ever. That's because I never can wake up and I never want to come in.
I feel like an alien here (at work? in albuquerque?). I just want to chill with the kids and make them smile and be happy, so long as they're not being violent or obnoxious. I'm all for teaching manners and having rules, but I'm also into even enforcement of the rules. I feel like Jamie and Stephanie (my co-teachers) along with many of the other teachers target their least favorite kid.
Today I was on the playground after lunch and these kids, Jacob and Bihn who are Bubblegum Bandits (3 and 4 year olds) started burying my feet. They told me that it would freeze me in place and that they'd eat me. I know that Bihn has communication problems, and I know that Jacob is a "problem child" but I was going to play along, damnit. They told me to try to walk and I oh-so-dramatically "fell down" because my feet had been "glued down". Jacob thought this was hysterical and started to try to climb on me to "eat" me. I'm okay with this. The kid is young and striving for attention so I was going to go with it and run around with him on my shoulders and everything. I start to get up and Stephanie and this other teacher are like, "Jacob, get off of her." and scold him. Then Stephanie, who I've begun to realize is a total bitch, tells me that for my information, I should know that if jacob gets an opportunity, he'll grab your boobs. Okay. So, he should be punished for playing when he hasn't in fact done anything wrong yet? I feel like that's a bridge one should cross when one comes to it.
Then Annika wanted to change back into her normal shirt from her long-sleeve one. I told her that if her normal one was dry (it was water play day) she could change. Then Stephanie, as Annika is changing, asks Annika who said she could change her shirt. Then i say, "uh, I did" and Stephanie acts all appalled and shit. Bitch.
Then Abbie needs to go to the bathroom. Before we went outside, Stephanie had said, "use the bathroom now because I'm not going to bring anyone back inside." Abbie used the bathroom. Now, there is the obvious point that Abbie didn't actually have to go to the bathroom, but Jamie and Stephanie start telling abbie how she should've gone before she went outside, and that she'd just have to hold it. I'm not saying that they should've brought her inside to use the bathroom, but it is clearly their negligence that allows them to be such assholes to Abbie on a regular basis, as this has happened before.
Oh, and another thing. The other day, Jamie was talking about how he doesn't understand Islam because Islamic women wear the veil and aren't allowed to talk to anyone outside of their family (which isn't necessarily even true, btw) and was talking about how the only islamic chicks he had ever met had absolutely no view on the world, nothing to say and were just enormously boring. Then there was a pause in the conversation because I was debating in my head how to react to this. Then he turns to me and says, "you don't talk much, i bet you could be a good islamic chick." I don't really know how to react to that, still. In my mid-eastern studies class, we had to wear veils for a day, we visited a muslim school and we went to friday services at the local mosque and by the end of the day, I thought that Islam was enormously cool. So i bet that, in some societies with a more leniant code for women, I could be a damn good muslim woman. But that's just so backhanded it's appalling.
At least now, having thought about and typed all of this out, I have some rationale behind my quasi-hatred of life right now.
Basically, I want to sleep enough. I want to sleep until I wake up naturally, and then pull myself out of my obnoxiously comfortable day. I want to sit up, write, paint, create, smoke a bowl of sheesha, go on an adventure, eat a meal, and chill then go to sleep. I don't want to come to work and be harassed. I don't want to have to deal with this. And the thing is, I probably deserve to be treated like I don't know anything because I'm hardly ever here. Less than them, anyway, and besides which I'm new here. I should be treated as inept because I am a total slacker, but I think that it all goes in a circle, you know? Like, I'm sorry that I have nothing to say when Jamie trashes albuquerque. I think he's a hypocrite, but I am too. And my education here at serendipity taught me to think through my words before I declare them as fact. God damn.
In good news, I'll be on my last day of work here in two weeks. Then I'll officially just be doing babysitting with two cool as fuck little kids. Also, in less than two weeks, Willy will be home. The harder and less tolerable and more anxious my life here gets, the more i look forward to Willy gettng home because he's going to listen and Know What I'm Saying. I'm looking forward so much to willy coming home. He's going to drive me to school, too. Oh Man that's going to be so much fun. Also, I hear rumors of Andy possibly coming down by himself just to get some sibling time in, and that sounds like it would be bad ass.
Also in good news, I only have another three hours of this shift to go, and then I can go home and try to enjoy the weekend.
Jebus Christ.
love,
lucy