(no subject)
I'd venture to say that I've had one heck of a fantastical night tonight. I bhangracized a little, had dinner, watched Gilmore Girls with my mom then biked down to my dad's house where I attempted civil conversation with my step mother. After that, I biked over to Satellite (I guess I've detached myself from my hatred of yuppie establishments that threaten the patchouli stink of Albuquerque) and sat there with a horchata and water (not mixed) and read well over a hundred more pages of The Feminine Mystique. When they closed at 11, I left feeling emersed in life and biked home against the wind.
I guess lately I've been thinking about things a lot. Contemplating, but somehow not with words or even real emotion so much as being haunted by things. I feel like there are all of these possibilities of life, that i don't know how to take the right path or even what the right path is. And yet, I don't feel stressed out about it. I don't feel like a decision has to be made tomorrow or yesterday...I'm just carrying this contemplation with me, like an image painted on my intestines.
The Feminine Mystique is a really good book. My Aunt Liz said that it was "the reason they made books" and I believe her at this point, I guess. It's hard, though, to just read something now that i've got all of this college learning and whatnot. I'm always trying to refute her points in my mind, even though I think that the book is absolutely brilliant and well researched.
The thing is, I guess, the book is actually challenging to me, personally. Not that I'm a stranded housewife, strung up by the feminine mystique....but she challenges things that I hadn't ever thought about. Like the over-sexuality of the media emerging in the 1950s and making sex related to money and thus status for so many women, as well as ruining sex after marriage. She pulls in all of these statistics about infidelity, and it makes me think i may not want to get married.
And I guess that's the thing. In one chapter, she wrote about an interview with college women that she did and how when she asked them of their plans for the future, they had none. Half were already engaged or married, and the other half were jealous that they were not yet betrothed to housewifery. They all had pursued college because it was the thing to do, if not the place to meet their mates, and yet had no real intention of a career (other than being a mother and housewife.) Now, I'm not saying that I don't have ambitions. That's not the case. Incase you didn't know it, I have hells of ambition, I just can't seem to actually point it anywhere. So I guess somehow i've gotten indoctrineated into this culture of realantasy that made me be able, from the time I was pre-pubescent if not a toddler, able to picture the perfect wedding (which of course remains perfect in my mind for about five minutes), the perfect marriage (which changes with the guy situation), the perfect children (complete with names and numbers and genders), the perfect house (i won't go into it) and the perfect life without ever actually confronting who I want to be. Reading this book has really shaken me up, I guess. It's basically made me realize how young I am, and how naive culture has always been. It's almost more depressing than empowering to have such an accurate account of the failures of femininity on women.
So I don't know what I think, i guess. I don't think a book can make me not want to grow up and have some funky happy family and some sunshiney house, but it has made me more aware of myself. And that, i say, is really fucking valuable.
Today I got my bank statement. It said that i have $44 in the bank. Fucking SWEET! I thought that I had had negative something or other since I bought my new shoes back in April. So, hella cool. Because my breaks on my bike are getting worse (and scarier) by the day, I plan to invest in that and a straightening of my front wheel ASAP. With the money left over, I buy a skip it. Either that, or I might....do other things with it. I might keep some. What do you know?
Holly also bought me a gift card to Souper Salad. For FOUR PEOPLE. So. I need two more people to go with me. Who's in?
Tomorrow I have to go to work early to finish my training. Then I leave early to go to my doctor's appointment to find out if I have to have shoulder surgery (I feel like this is a 95% yes. I guess that'll suck, huh? I'll be in pain and in a sling for a while....but the way I look at it at this point, it'll be way better to have an actually functional right shoulder than one that pops and stretches and can't lift and can't support cartwheels and can't be slept upon.) So, i guess we'll see. I'll keep you posted.
I guess I don't really have a whole lot more to say. But, I really wanted to emphasize how much I've enjoyed myself tonight. I don't mean to be all up in your grill with my ego or anything, but it's been nice to actually dedicate some time to myself that wasn't in the form of earning money, keeping my relationship in order, meeting tina or sleeping. I am excited to go to sleep tonight next to myself.
love,
lucy
I guess lately I've been thinking about things a lot. Contemplating, but somehow not with words or even real emotion so much as being haunted by things. I feel like there are all of these possibilities of life, that i don't know how to take the right path or even what the right path is. And yet, I don't feel stressed out about it. I don't feel like a decision has to be made tomorrow or yesterday...I'm just carrying this contemplation with me, like an image painted on my intestines.
The Feminine Mystique is a really good book. My Aunt Liz said that it was "the reason they made books" and I believe her at this point, I guess. It's hard, though, to just read something now that i've got all of this college learning and whatnot. I'm always trying to refute her points in my mind, even though I think that the book is absolutely brilliant and well researched.
The thing is, I guess, the book is actually challenging to me, personally. Not that I'm a stranded housewife, strung up by the feminine mystique....but she challenges things that I hadn't ever thought about. Like the over-sexuality of the media emerging in the 1950s and making sex related to money and thus status for so many women, as well as ruining sex after marriage. She pulls in all of these statistics about infidelity, and it makes me think i may not want to get married.
And I guess that's the thing. In one chapter, she wrote about an interview with college women that she did and how when she asked them of their plans for the future, they had none. Half were already engaged or married, and the other half were jealous that they were not yet betrothed to housewifery. They all had pursued college because it was the thing to do, if not the place to meet their mates, and yet had no real intention of a career (other than being a mother and housewife.) Now, I'm not saying that I don't have ambitions. That's not the case. Incase you didn't know it, I have hells of ambition, I just can't seem to actually point it anywhere. So I guess somehow i've gotten indoctrineated into this culture of realantasy that made me be able, from the time I was pre-pubescent if not a toddler, able to picture the perfect wedding (which of course remains perfect in my mind for about five minutes), the perfect marriage (which changes with the guy situation), the perfect children (complete with names and numbers and genders), the perfect house (i won't go into it) and the perfect life without ever actually confronting who I want to be. Reading this book has really shaken me up, I guess. It's basically made me realize how young I am, and how naive culture has always been. It's almost more depressing than empowering to have such an accurate account of the failures of femininity on women.
So I don't know what I think, i guess. I don't think a book can make me not want to grow up and have some funky happy family and some sunshiney house, but it has made me more aware of myself. And that, i say, is really fucking valuable.
Today I got my bank statement. It said that i have $44 in the bank. Fucking SWEET! I thought that I had had negative something or other since I bought my new shoes back in April. So, hella cool. Because my breaks on my bike are getting worse (and scarier) by the day, I plan to invest in that and a straightening of my front wheel ASAP. With the money left over, I buy a skip it. Either that, or I might....do other things with it. I might keep some. What do you know?
Holly also bought me a gift card to Souper Salad. For FOUR PEOPLE. So. I need two more people to go with me. Who's in?
Tomorrow I have to go to work early to finish my training. Then I leave early to go to my doctor's appointment to find out if I have to have shoulder surgery (I feel like this is a 95% yes. I guess that'll suck, huh? I'll be in pain and in a sling for a while....but the way I look at it at this point, it'll be way better to have an actually functional right shoulder than one that pops and stretches and can't lift and can't support cartwheels and can't be slept upon.) So, i guess we'll see. I'll keep you posted.
I guess I don't really have a whole lot more to say. But, I really wanted to emphasize how much I've enjoyed myself tonight. I don't mean to be all up in your grill with my ego or anything, but it's been nice to actually dedicate some time to myself that wasn't in the form of earning money, keeping my relationship in order, meeting tina or sleeping. I am excited to go to sleep tonight next to myself.
love,
lucy