The New Cast of Characters in My Life, Part One
Main Characters in My Life:
SLASHER MOVIE VERSION
Go HERE for the Zombie Movie version, which is Part 2
I die first. I'm the one who takes everyone to the haunted house / ancient Indian burial ground / abandoned creepy amusement park. I'm the one who laughs at warnings of mortality as stupid superstition. I'm the one who kicks over the old dias-of-skulls and says, "You guys are a bunch of scared little girls. I'm going to take a piss and get a beer." I die viciously, while whistling. In horror movies, when my 'type' is killed, it's a strike against over-confident Western humanist rationality; a strike against anti-metaphysical materialism.
Agnes is the smart temptress who is wildly impulsive. In a romance comedy, she would be the heroine - she would be the counterpoint to the stuffy yuppie hero; but in a slasher film she's one of the first to die. Sexy and impulsive = threat to the male viewer, and in a horror film that is punishable by (strange and horrific) death.
With sex, slasher movies let us have it both ways: their puritan nature let us disparage our culture's overly sexualized teenage fetish, but we also get to see us some teenage titties. (See: American Beauty for the indie version of the same impulse.)
The crusty punk never makes it to the end. In a slasher film, anyone who holds non-mainstream values invariably gets killed. (Since slasher films are generally about the evil Other paring away our collective self to Christian purity and strength.) Aaron, however, is tough and compassionate, so he'd get a wack at the murderer - He probably gets to punch the slasher in the face while spitting out a bloody "fuck you" as the killer eviscerates him.
Jesse is the guy who says something like, "Stay with me if you want to live," and is immediately killed in the next scene by the slasher, who was hiding in shadows. It sucks for everyone else, because Jesse has a great sense of direction and always has, or can come up with, impromptu weapons.
Again, in slasher films, confidence and command are only available to the killing Other. In slasher films, only the meek or seemingly weak survive.
Chioke is hilarious and he's black. Comedy relief always makes it to the middle of the film, but never further. In 80s slasher films, only white kids made it to the end. Again, this was about paring our collective culture down to the pure, and eradicating the nefarious effects of rock, etc. However, now that everyone knows the rules about "the black guy dies first," things are different. Still, Chioke dies in the middle because he's funny. That will never change. There are no laughs in the final act of a slasher film.
Molly is tough as nails. She'd fend off one attack early in the film, only to get killed near the end. The slasher would surprise her, but she would quickly grab something ready-at-hand (a shovel, perhaps) and bring it down on the fucker's knee. She'd go down fighting and maybe inflict some damage to the killer. Female aggressiveness is never tolerated in slasher films. (Even in The Descent, all are punished for their aggressive transgressions.)
Guy is outwardly quiet and contemplative and seems, at all times, centered. He'd keep everyone together without obviously taking charge. Now that almost everyone is dead, he would be the strategist, along with Andrea. Since he's a guy, he would get killed. (Also, Guy dresses uniquely, and again, all uniqueness is a sign of cultural transgression, and is punishable by death.)
Arianne and Andrea are plucky, smart and sweet. But Arianne is too sweet, and she also has a boyfriend. If you're part of a couple, you're typically bound for death. (Slasher movies are about individual moral strength against an outside Other.) However, after Chioke's death, she might be the one to survive. Either her or Andrea make it to the end. But the whole audience is sad if and when she gets killed.
Andrea is plucky, smart and sweet. In a slasher film, that goes a long way. However, Andrea also has the San Franciscan moral superiority, and that's a mortal sin in a slasher film. She might end up surviving and/or killing the killer (until the end, when it is revealed that he's not dead).
Final analysis: I doubt any of my friends would make it out of a slasher film alive.
Tomorrow: Part Two: The Zombie Movie