I'm unsure....
I'm confused....I dunno what the heck is going on. I have been so busy either working or having fun that I am not sure where I am at. I don't know what I am achieving, I don't know where I am going. I so wish i knew what i was heading for, i so wish i knew what was around the corner, but it is all so vague, all so blurred that I haven't a clue.
I just want to make films, yet here I am studying uninteresting stuff and working as a lab assisstant, neither are really gonna take me places, neither are really gonna take me where I want. I can't say I am stuck in a rut, cos I am having loadsa fun. My work is easy and sometimes quite enjoyable, the stuff I study sux!, but going to uni, meeting up with friends and people i know and checking out the girls is all great fun, and every weekend for the past four months has been action paked. for the first time in my life i feel almost totally fulfilled, I have money in my bank, a sense of worth, a growing number of friends i can have different types of fun with, barely a moments rest...yet...something is nagging at me...something is telling me that not all is rite...something keeps saying that this is not what i want...not what i need...and that I am wasting my time....I need, i oh so need, to find a way to stop this.
this has prompted me to start my motavation method...I've been telling loads of people that this summer i will make a film. A real film, with time and effort, serious editing, a film i can be proud of, a film that, even if i never make it, will prove that i tried...and tried as best as i could. Sadly...I know myself...I know that the motivation slips through my fingers like water. Thats why i spent thoudans on a camera, and the equipment that ll go with it. thats why i m telling people that i will make this film, cos i hope that will create a "back against the wall" syndrome. I need to motivate myself, i need to find the internal strength to go those extra steps and put my money where my mouth is. I need drive! I need someone to push me along, I need someone to kick my backside....but up until now all the people around me are even bigger wasters than myself..."sighs". the only thing i have, is that gut feeling, rite down in the darkist pits of my stomac, that keeps telling me that I do have it in me, that I will manage, that its my effing god damn duty to achieve! But the following minute i so easily convince myself of the opposite.
i say that, but i got an unpaid translators job on the shoot of a car comercial...its better than nothing, its experience, but its still just clutching at cards, clawing at anything that presents itself, its just stuff to put on a cv...argh!
On a lighter note, we went to a nite club in monaco and Yverick did not get let in cos he was wearing a Puma t shirt...and the BLACK bouncer said "This ain't a Sports room Mister". hazhahahahahahahahahhahahaha.
I was kinda cheesed of not getting into the club...yet that comment made my nite..and i didn t mind cos trhe nite before I went clubbing with Marion and all her totally fit friends cos it was her bday and that was kinda cool...hehehehehehe...every cloud has its silver lining they say, mwhahahahaha...
On another plus note veronique showed a pic of me to one of the new female friends at southampton who said that i was hot! Woohoo! And got all interested about who i was mwhahahahaha...I've slowly come to the realisation that i do indeed have the rite to be a casanova! Woohoo!
Anyway, enough of this blowing my horn business....
(and if any of you are ever connected i still have a great music clip i made to show, you can ask simone if you want! Its quality!)
I just want to make films, yet here I am studying uninteresting stuff and working as a lab assisstant, neither are really gonna take me places, neither are really gonna take me where I want. I can't say I am stuck in a rut, cos I am having loadsa fun. My work is easy and sometimes quite enjoyable, the stuff I study sux!, but going to uni, meeting up with friends and people i know and checking out the girls is all great fun, and every weekend for the past four months has been action paked. for the first time in my life i feel almost totally fulfilled, I have money in my bank, a sense of worth, a growing number of friends i can have different types of fun with, barely a moments rest...yet...something is nagging at me...something is telling me that not all is rite...something keeps saying that this is not what i want...not what i need...and that I am wasting my time....I need, i oh so need, to find a way to stop this.
this has prompted me to start my motavation method...I've been telling loads of people that this summer i will make a film. A real film, with time and effort, serious editing, a film i can be proud of, a film that, even if i never make it, will prove that i tried...and tried as best as i could. Sadly...I know myself...I know that the motivation slips through my fingers like water. Thats why i spent thoudans on a camera, and the equipment that ll go with it. thats why i m telling people that i will make this film, cos i hope that will create a "back against the wall" syndrome. I need to motivate myself, i need to find the internal strength to go those extra steps and put my money where my mouth is. I need drive! I need someone to push me along, I need someone to kick my backside....but up until now all the people around me are even bigger wasters than myself..."sighs". the only thing i have, is that gut feeling, rite down in the darkist pits of my stomac, that keeps telling me that I do have it in me, that I will manage, that its my effing god damn duty to achieve! But the following minute i so easily convince myself of the opposite.
i say that, but i got an unpaid translators job on the shoot of a car comercial...its better than nothing, its experience, but its still just clutching at cards, clawing at anything that presents itself, its just stuff to put on a cv...argh!
On a lighter note, we went to a nite club in monaco and Yverick did not get let in cos he was wearing a Puma t shirt...and the BLACK bouncer said "This ain't a Sports room Mister". hazhahahahahahahahahhahahaha.
I was kinda cheesed of not getting into the club...yet that comment made my nite..and i didn t mind cos trhe nite before I went clubbing with Marion and all her totally fit friends cos it was her bday and that was kinda cool...hehehehehehe...every cloud has its silver lining they say, mwhahahahaha...
On another plus note veronique showed a pic of me to one of the new female friends at southampton who said that i was hot! Woohoo! And got all interested about who i was mwhahahahaha...I've slowly come to the realisation that i do indeed have the rite to be a casanova! Woohoo!
Anyway, enough of this blowing my horn business....
(and if any of you are ever connected i still have a great music clip i made to show, you can ask simone if you want! Its quality!)