(no subject)
Okay, so I decided that I miss writing in my livejournal. I know that they only cause trouble and allow you to say things you wish you could take back later, but I don't care. Nobody that I ever see in real life reads my livejournal, so its not really an issue, I guess. Well, that is except for Bunny who is moving to SF today. I'm so freakin excited about that. It will be nice to have a good friend so close by. I've started meeting people and making friends in Berkeley (I even got invited to a party this weekend!) but its different to have somebody that you're already close with nearby. It's nice to a relationship that is just comfortable instead of at that beginning stage of, oh, I hope that they like me and i'm not being too stupid and that they still want to be friends with me after we hang out, etc. etc. Anyway, I've even started meeting boys again (and I mean as not just friend boys, cause i've been meeting those, too, but as "lets go out" boys). The only problem is that, an unfortunate situation (namely one of them doing a pretty damn fucked up thing and making me doubt whether I was really "meeting" these guys or just being dealt with by them) has totally turned me off men and sex for awhile. I just don't feel like dealing with it and I don't really trust any of them because I don't know what their damn intentions are (I guess I can just assume that they are bad from here on out) and it doesn't seem like anything good can come of it. I am definiteley not into a relationship right now and i'm not just gonna have sex cause in the end i'll feel good for like 20 minutes and then it'll make me feel like crap about myself. I mean, what if I had had sex with either one of those guys or the guy last night just to have sex, the way I would have felt about everything afterwards would have been magnified by 20. At least something good has come of this situation, though, I've realized that a relationship right now is for sure a no no and I've been focusing on myself and allowing myself to feel better about myself. I just don't want to have even the possibility of dealing with any type of rejection until I know that my sense of self worth can stand up to it. We'll see how long this lasts though, when one of the guys and I hang out again, you know, the really hot one with the big you know what. And yeah, I think that might be it.