Reparations for Retards...
Our Life Lesson this week is about the problems we have with intolerance in this country. No I'm not talking about lactose intolerance, or even racial intolerance. What I'm talking about is the hatred and bigotry aimed at our brethren with a lower intelligence level than us. Of course I'm speaking about the mentally challenged. These poor souls are constantly the object of mockery in our society, and have been abused for too long now. Degraded, taunted, and dressed in horribly designed clothes, the legacy of brutality towards these goofy humans is a long and sordid tale. What kind of a country is this where an evil clown overlord can imprison helpless retards in his plastic fortifications, forcing them to deep fry various fatty meats for angry consumers? These exploitations and mistreatments against the mentally challenged cannot continue if America wants to remain a great empire, eventually overwhelming and destroying her enemies to become the single power to rule the world in a suffocating shroud of freedom. We must learn from our past mistakes and stop the hate, or face the dire consequences.
The first retarded person was invented by Edward J. Downs in 1832. Legend has it that Downs was trying to create a race of superhumans to conquer the world, but something went terribly wrong when his bottle of Yoo Hoo was knocked over by his clumsy assistant Igor, pouring the contents into the subject's brain cavity. The result was a human of greatly reduced intelligence and cognitive responses than an average person, with the tendency to scream in joy when their favorite cartoons come on. Downs tried to destroy his creation, but with its superhuman strength, it broke free to roam the countryside, eventually befriending a kindly old blind man. Many years later, the "monster" hunted down Dr. Downs and slew him with his huge ham fists. The author Mary Shelly caught wind of this event, writing an extremely successful novel about it.
Unfortunately, Downs took with him three very important rules to follow about these queer folk.
.1: Avoid direct sunlight.
.2 Don't get them wet.
.3: Never, ever feed them after midnight.
Needless to say, these rules were not followed, and they were multiplying rapidly. By 1880, no less than 10,000 retarded folk wandered America, some just passing the days finger painting, others settling down in the south to raise families, becoming the predecessors of most Southerners today. This time of relative happiness was short lived once President Grover Cleveland came into office. A brutal beast of a man, Cleveland rounded up the innocent retards, setting them to work in the nations coal mines, harnessing them to wagons to pull the wealthy around town, and declaring that they all must wear silly hats as identification. 100 years later, his great grandson was carrying on the tradition of brutality by setting them to work in his fast food kitchens across the globe. That man is none other than Ronald McDonald, a cruel taskmaster clown that enslaves the naive folk by luring them with brightly colored happy meal toys. Once ensnared in his net, they are set to work in his foul kitchens for the rest of their natural lives. Sure they look happy when you tell them you want a hamburger, but little do we know that Ronald's clown SS are hiding in the shadows armed with a blowgun with poison tipped darts, ready to dispatch any retard that cries for help or makes a mad dash for freedom. History books leave out many of our darker patches of history, but now that we have the Internet, the real story can be told for the first time. The truth is out there.
To supplement this Life Lesson about the tolerance and understanding of retarded people, I went out on the streets and asked regular people their thoughts about retarded people. I think you will be surprised that most of them were grossly misinformed.
*"They are dangerous and will eat my children."
FALSE: Retarded people are the most gentle people on the planet. Except if you throw a paper ball at their head for an hour. Then they tend to bellow in a fit of blind rage and toss you out the classroom window, resulting in a detention for you, and the retard getting put down.
*"Retarded people must be aliens because they look weird."
FALSE: They are from the planet Earth, and are human just like you and me. People tend to be scared of things they don't understand, like evolution, or the plot to Donnie Darko.
*"Retards must be happy all the time because they're so dumb."
FALSE: Retards are happy because they know the day is soon nigh when their ranks will rise up in rebellion, slaying their clown masters, and taking power for themselves. The golden arches will run red with blood.
*"They sure are goofy."
TRUE: They are goofy indeed, yet in this age of war and cynicism, a retarded smile is more precious than the golden rays of a sunrise. They hold the key to happiness in their blissful ignorance.
Making a Difference...
There are no easy answers to a long term solution, if there is a solution at all. Informing the children at an early age about tolerance might be the key. Teachers and parents should take it upon themselves to get children drunk, putting a bucket over the head, and whacking it with a golf club, thus simulating what it is like to be retarded. Start introducing them to the retarded way of life, with their culture, food, music, and fancy dress. Make a national retarded appreciation day where the guest of honor is our nation's president. Hold a fundraiser to raise money to cure retardation, perhaps a 50 mile walkathon called "Yards for Tards". Make your orders at McDonald's as simple as possible, making their jobs a little easier, and have some patience with them. Shut your goddamn pie hole whining about getting "fries" when you ordered "nuggets".
There is a long road ahead of me to work on my past crimes of tormenting these most gentle of God's creatures. Alas, I am only one woman in a crusade against hatred and ignorance. So please, next time you see a retarded person walking down the street, smile and say hello to them instead of setting them on fire and pushing them into traffic. That's all I'm asking. Thank you, and good night.
The first retarded person was invented by Edward J. Downs in 1832. Legend has it that Downs was trying to create a race of superhumans to conquer the world, but something went terribly wrong when his bottle of Yoo Hoo was knocked over by his clumsy assistant Igor, pouring the contents into the subject's brain cavity. The result was a human of greatly reduced intelligence and cognitive responses than an average person, with the tendency to scream in joy when their favorite cartoons come on. Downs tried to destroy his creation, but with its superhuman strength, it broke free to roam the countryside, eventually befriending a kindly old blind man. Many years later, the "monster" hunted down Dr. Downs and slew him with his huge ham fists. The author Mary Shelly caught wind of this event, writing an extremely successful novel about it.
Unfortunately, Downs took with him three very important rules to follow about these queer folk.
.1: Avoid direct sunlight.
.2 Don't get them wet.
.3: Never, ever feed them after midnight.
Needless to say, these rules were not followed, and they were multiplying rapidly. By 1880, no less than 10,000 retarded folk wandered America, some just passing the days finger painting, others settling down in the south to raise families, becoming the predecessors of most Southerners today. This time of relative happiness was short lived once President Grover Cleveland came into office. A brutal beast of a man, Cleveland rounded up the innocent retards, setting them to work in the nations coal mines, harnessing them to wagons to pull the wealthy around town, and declaring that they all must wear silly hats as identification. 100 years later, his great grandson was carrying on the tradition of brutality by setting them to work in his fast food kitchens across the globe. That man is none other than Ronald McDonald, a cruel taskmaster clown that enslaves the naive folk by luring them with brightly colored happy meal toys. Once ensnared in his net, they are set to work in his foul kitchens for the rest of their natural lives. Sure they look happy when you tell them you want a hamburger, but little do we know that Ronald's clown SS are hiding in the shadows armed with a blowgun with poison tipped darts, ready to dispatch any retard that cries for help or makes a mad dash for freedom. History books leave out many of our darker patches of history, but now that we have the Internet, the real story can be told for the first time. The truth is out there.
To supplement this Life Lesson about the tolerance and understanding of retarded people, I went out on the streets and asked regular people their thoughts about retarded people. I think you will be surprised that most of them were grossly misinformed.
*"They are dangerous and will eat my children."
FALSE: Retarded people are the most gentle people on the planet. Except if you throw a paper ball at their head for an hour. Then they tend to bellow in a fit of blind rage and toss you out the classroom window, resulting in a detention for you, and the retard getting put down.
*"Retarded people must be aliens because they look weird."
FALSE: They are from the planet Earth, and are human just like you and me. People tend to be scared of things they don't understand, like evolution, or the plot to Donnie Darko.
*"Retards must be happy all the time because they're so dumb."
FALSE: Retards are happy because they know the day is soon nigh when their ranks will rise up in rebellion, slaying their clown masters, and taking power for themselves. The golden arches will run red with blood.
*"They sure are goofy."
TRUE: They are goofy indeed, yet in this age of war and cynicism, a retarded smile is more precious than the golden rays of a sunrise. They hold the key to happiness in their blissful ignorance.
Making a Difference...
There are no easy answers to a long term solution, if there is a solution at all. Informing the children at an early age about tolerance might be the key. Teachers and parents should take it upon themselves to get children drunk, putting a bucket over the head, and whacking it with a golf club, thus simulating what it is like to be retarded. Start introducing them to the retarded way of life, with their culture, food, music, and fancy dress. Make a national retarded appreciation day where the guest of honor is our nation's president. Hold a fundraiser to raise money to cure retardation, perhaps a 50 mile walkathon called "Yards for Tards". Make your orders at McDonald's as simple as possible, making their jobs a little easier, and have some patience with them. Shut your goddamn pie hole whining about getting "fries" when you ordered "nuggets".
There is a long road ahead of me to work on my past crimes of tormenting these most gentle of God's creatures. Alas, I am only one woman in a crusade against hatred and ignorance. So please, next time you see a retarded person walking down the street, smile and say hello to them instead of setting them on fire and pushing them into traffic. That's all I'm asking. Thank you, and good night.