What the Fuck
Profanity is in order.
So for anyone who has actually invested in reading this livejournal since I started it in 2005 (2004?), I have a really shitty dad. I'll give you a really brief breakdown:
1989: I was five years old, and my parents got divorced due to my dad's inability to grow up and stop smoking weed (and a few other things like depression and a bit of an anger problem).
I spent the greater part of the next ten years visiting my dad in New York for summers and sometimes Christmases.
Somewhere in that time my dad stopped paying child support and my mom said "Oh ho that's how it's going to be?" and she stopped letting me visit (at the time I had no idea why I stopped going). So that ended my awesome summer visits to visit my super awesome dad who I loved very much and who used to make friend salami sandwiches with me and take me roller skating in central park.
Then I started visiting my grandma every summer (my dad's mom). Little did I know, but my dad was actually paying for those tickets.
Then I got too old for visiting grandma or my dad got to poor or both who knows, but I stopped going, and eventually my dad met my stepmom and they got married and had two kids.
All this time I really never heard from my dad. Like ever. Birthdays: nothing. Christmases: nothing. Phone calls: nope. Emails: niet. 16th birthday: just tears on my part, nothing from him. 18th birthday: nada. He came to my High School graduation, I visited him during my month-long trip to Europe, but our conversations were trivial and never touched on the serious stuff like how much his lack of presence in my life had left a deep cut in my heart and how I just kept crawling back for more like some sick abused animal. Yowza!
Anyway, bitter college graduate that I was, I sent him a pretty pissed of "I'm graduating from college now just thought you should know even though I would rather you weren't there because you suck at life, oh and by the way you only have a few more milestones in my life to miss out on FYI."
I felt pretty good about that particular graduation announcement, and never heard from him on that one either (although I know he got it because my stepmom sent me flowers).
Then I grew older and wiser and found out from someone, I forget who, that it turns out my stepmom is a psycho crazy lady and my dad was getting a divorce, leaving another two kids in his wake. I decided, "screw it, let's just start over, I bet he could use at least one kid right now." So I sent him an email to the effect of "forget everything, I am not mad at you, I don't resent you, I let's just start over and not be miserable."
So we did for a while but those emails eventually fizzled out to nothingness, and now I'm in Japan. I know he most likely hasn't been emailing me because since leaving Holland and his other kids, his life has been pretty crappy, and according to my mom he falls into heavy bouts of depression. In effect, he's got nothing good to say and so chooses not to say anything at all.
Anyway, the whole reason I'm digging up this whole history of my stupid relationship with my dad is that all my life I've just wished we lived in the same state. Even the same continent would be awesome. Even though he was moving back to America from Holland because his new family was falling apart, I was (selfishly) excited that we would both be on the same continent. Then I moved to Japan, and what do you know, he's thinking about moving to California.
WHAT THE FUCK. Seriously? California? I've lived there ALMOST ALL MY LIFE and now you are going to plant some roots? When I'm in freaking Japan and have no plans on living stateside any time soon?
I'm trying really really hard to just let it go, to just breathe in and out a few times and keep in mind that he's got a lot of tangled knots to straighten out and it's not about me. But seriously.
What fucking irony.
So for anyone who has actually invested in reading this livejournal since I started it in 2005 (2004?), I have a really shitty dad. I'll give you a really brief breakdown:
1989: I was five years old, and my parents got divorced due to my dad's inability to grow up and stop smoking weed (and a few other things like depression and a bit of an anger problem).
I spent the greater part of the next ten years visiting my dad in New York for summers and sometimes Christmases.
Somewhere in that time my dad stopped paying child support and my mom said "Oh ho that's how it's going to be?" and she stopped letting me visit (at the time I had no idea why I stopped going). So that ended my awesome summer visits to visit my super awesome dad who I loved very much and who used to make friend salami sandwiches with me and take me roller skating in central park.
Then I started visiting my grandma every summer (my dad's mom). Little did I know, but my dad was actually paying for those tickets.
Then I got too old for visiting grandma or my dad got to poor or both who knows, but I stopped going, and eventually my dad met my stepmom and they got married and had two kids.
All this time I really never heard from my dad. Like ever. Birthdays: nothing. Christmases: nothing. Phone calls: nope. Emails: niet. 16th birthday: just tears on my part, nothing from him. 18th birthday: nada. He came to my High School graduation, I visited him during my month-long trip to Europe, but our conversations were trivial and never touched on the serious stuff like how much his lack of presence in my life had left a deep cut in my heart and how I just kept crawling back for more like some sick abused animal. Yowza!
Anyway, bitter college graduate that I was, I sent him a pretty pissed of "I'm graduating from college now just thought you should know even though I would rather you weren't there because you suck at life, oh and by the way you only have a few more milestones in my life to miss out on FYI."
I felt pretty good about that particular graduation announcement, and never heard from him on that one either (although I know he got it because my stepmom sent me flowers).
Then I grew older and wiser and found out from someone, I forget who, that it turns out my stepmom is a psycho crazy lady and my dad was getting a divorce, leaving another two kids in his wake. I decided, "screw it, let's just start over, I bet he could use at least one kid right now." So I sent him an email to the effect of "forget everything, I am not mad at you, I don't resent you, I let's just start over and not be miserable."
So we did for a while but those emails eventually fizzled out to nothingness, and now I'm in Japan. I know he most likely hasn't been emailing me because since leaving Holland and his other kids, his life has been pretty crappy, and according to my mom he falls into heavy bouts of depression. In effect, he's got nothing good to say and so chooses not to say anything at all.
Anyway, the whole reason I'm digging up this whole history of my stupid relationship with my dad is that all my life I've just wished we lived in the same state. Even the same continent would be awesome. Even though he was moving back to America from Holland because his new family was falling apart, I was (selfishly) excited that we would both be on the same continent. Then I moved to Japan, and what do you know, he's thinking about moving to California.
WHAT THE FUCK. Seriously? California? I've lived there ALMOST ALL MY LIFE and now you are going to plant some roots? When I'm in freaking Japan and have no plans on living stateside any time soon?
I'm trying really really hard to just let it go, to just breathe in and out a few times and keep in mind that he's got a lot of tangled knots to straighten out and it's not about me. But seriously.
What fucking irony.