(no subject)
I just feel like typing stuff again... I don't have any interesting realisations to make note of this time though. I just want to say things but don't want to start a conversation, because it almost seems like a hassle to try to explain my feelings lately. Probably because I barely have any contact with the people I'm closest to at the moment and haven't for a while. This will sound bitter, but even though it was inevitable and I knew it would happen I feel sad that by best friends have gone to university or college and now have little time or need to talk to me, because they're in a better place and living with better people, but I'm still lonely. I don't have a problem with it because of course I want my friends to be happy, and I'm sure it probably isn't on purpose, at least for most of them. I just can't help but feel sad. It's no one's fault.
On top of that, I have trouble telling people some things at college. I have no idea whether or not I should be completely open about myself because it's very difficult to know when to say what. I decided at the start of the year that the best possible thing is to explain myself to people. This was actually encouraged by a fictional character who had the same troubles... haha. When someone else doesn't understand, ridicules me, thinks I'm weird or whatever it is... I feel like either shutting up completely, or getting a little aggressive. The most difficult thing is to keep your calm when someone doesn't understand and explain it to them. Then, maybe, they will understand. I just find it so embarrassing to say things to people sometimes.
For example, Joanna, who is a very nice person and I do like, made things a bit awkward by asking me, "do you have a boyfriend?" and when I said, "no, no", she asked me, "why not?" and I had absolutely no idea what to say. Admittedly that is a bit of a rude thing to say to anybody and I can't work out if it was a joke or a light-hearted way of complimenting me, but even so I was embarrassed because all my worries and things rushed forward straight away, even though most people would just shrug it off. But I couldn't say any of what I thought. Part of the reason is because people make a lot of assumptions.
I've tried and tried again to not be vague about what I'm saying here, but it's very difficult. Every time I type something it feels too personal and I don't want to post it. If this was a private conversation, it might be okay, but I already said why I'm not doing that right now...
I miss the time when no matter what hour of the day it was, I could probably just turn to someone on MSN and talk about this without hesitation. Now I feel embarrassed to bring it up with anyone.
Hopefully this doesn't sound too depressing... Most of the time I seem to be alright.
On top of that, I have trouble telling people some things at college. I have no idea whether or not I should be completely open about myself because it's very difficult to know when to say what. I decided at the start of the year that the best possible thing is to explain myself to people. This was actually encouraged by a fictional character who had the same troubles... haha. When someone else doesn't understand, ridicules me, thinks I'm weird or whatever it is... I feel like either shutting up completely, or getting a little aggressive. The most difficult thing is to keep your calm when someone doesn't understand and explain it to them. Then, maybe, they will understand. I just find it so embarrassing to say things to people sometimes.
For example, Joanna, who is a very nice person and I do like, made things a bit awkward by asking me, "do you have a boyfriend?" and when I said, "no, no", she asked me, "why not?" and I had absolutely no idea what to say. Admittedly that is a bit of a rude thing to say to anybody and I can't work out if it was a joke or a light-hearted way of complimenting me, but even so I was embarrassed because all my worries and things rushed forward straight away, even though most people would just shrug it off. But I couldn't say any of what I thought. Part of the reason is because people make a lot of assumptions.
I've tried and tried again to not be vague about what I'm saying here, but it's very difficult. Every time I type something it feels too personal and I don't want to post it. If this was a private conversation, it might be okay, but I already said why I'm not doing that right now...
I miss the time when no matter what hour of the day it was, I could probably just turn to someone on MSN and talk about this without hesitation. Now I feel embarrassed to bring it up with anyone.
Hopefully this doesn't sound too depressing... Most of the time I seem to be alright.