(no subject)
Diedra: Twilight. You should read. It is so bad it is AWESOME
Me: I don’t have time…and why should I read it if it’s so bad?
Diedra: DO IT
Me: Yes’m *puts in MELCAT request*
Later…
Caitlyn: I want tacos.
Bridget: You know who can’t have tacos? Cedric, because he’s undead.
Me: undead?
Caitlyn: Yes! Because he’s gonna play Edward in the Twilight movie!
Me: So you’ve read the books?
Caitlyn: yes!
Me: Diedra wants me to read them…
Caitlyn: OMG DO IT. *hands over book*
Bridget: *rolls eyes*
And do I read it. And for those of you with more sense who don’t have time, here is the m15m version. My apologies to cleolinda.
Twilight; or Why I Skipped YA Romances and Went Straight to the Adult Stuff
Main characters:
Bella M. Sue (B), the heroine
Emo Sparklyfangs (E), the hero
B: Oh, woe is me! I am so selfless I have moved to this place WHERE THE SUN
NEVER SHINES. I am a shy, not very attractive girl with PORCELAIN SKIN and DARK HAIR. Will I fit in at my new school?
Boys of New School: SO HOT. WANT.
Girls of new school: Grrrr.
B: Who are those really attractive people sitting over there not eating food?
Brand new BFF: Those are the Cullen and their weird foster siblings. They keep to themselves. So don’t even think about trying to date Edward. He is mine not interested.
Later:
B: Ooh, my new lab partner is EDWARD CULLEN.
E: grr get away from me! *scoots chair to end of table*
B: Why so sullen Edward Cullen?
Edward is absent for a week. Bella thinks about him and his attractiveness mysterious dislike of her. Just in case the reader is wondering, he is HOT. No, seriously. Just in case you forget, it’s written on every other page.
It snows. In school parking lot, a car skids out of control and comes crashing towards our heroine (who is a klutz, just in case you were thinking she was perfect). But she is not smushed under the wheels of poetic irony! No! Out of NOWHERE Edward comes and pulls her out of the way/puts a dent in the car’s fender with his manly back muscles.
B: How did you do that?
E: Do what? It was NOTHING. STAY AWAY FROM ME. I love you!
But of course, star-crossed lovers can never stay apart. It’s in the contract.
B: Everyone wants to go to the dance with me! But I don’t want to. I will go to Seattle instead.
E: Can I come?
B: SURE
At the beach:
Jacob Black: Hey, I know you. We used to hang out when we were little and you have my dad’s old truck and we should be friends. *puppy-dog eyes*
B: You’re kinda young for me.
Jacob: Hey! I become hot later.
B: Okay, we can be friends.
Jacob: The Cullens don’t come to the reservation.
B: YOU KNOW THE CULLENS? *flirts*
J: Yeah, there is this old family legend about how my family are werewolves and the Cullens are vampires who don’t drink human blood but I totally don’t believe it.
B (under breath): He’s a vampire! Of course! That makes PERFECT SENSE!
J: But of course they can’t be vampires any more than we can be werewolves.
B: Shut up, Jacob. Oh Edvard…
Shopping with the new BFFs for dresses:
B: This is beneath me. I am a smart girl so obviously I must go find a bookstore.
B gets lost in the apparently large warehouse district of a town with 20,000 people I actually checked the size)
Men: Hey there little girl. You are the heroine so obviously we must try to harm you in some unspeakable way.
E: Speeds up in Volvo. Rescues B.
B: You’re a vampire aren’t you!
E: Yes, and I can hear people’s thoughts except for yours and I want your blood so badly it takes all the willpower I have not to kill you but I would die to protect you. You are not safe with me.
B: Oh Edvard.
E: Oh Bella.
Me: headdesk
Day of Dance. Instead of going to Seattle Bella and Edward spend a day in a forest meadow. This is where we learn that a) Edward can run really really fast and b) when he is in direct sunlight, he sparkles. Truth. Of course, the little voice in my mind wants to know if he sparkles everywhere.
That night:
E: So we’re totally boyfriend and girlfriend now.
B: OKAY.
E: But we can’t kiss. I might lose control and drink all your blood.
B: oh, okay…
E: I’m totally staying the night though. At least this time I don’t have to sneak around. By the way, you talk in you sleep.
B: YOU WATCH ME?!?
E: I don’t sleep. What else is there for me to do?
B: That’s so romantic.
Me: (best school marm voice) Remember ladies, nothing says love like a guy admitting that not only could he lose control and kill you, he also watches you while you sleep.
The Next Day:
E: I want you to meet my family.
B: Your vampire family? What if they think I’m not good enough for you?
E: Oh Bella, you are so good, thinking of everybody but yourself.
Edward’s family: We’re vampires too. We have consciences and don’t eat humans. We love you Bella, for you have touched the cold despairing heart of Edward and made him love life again. In fact, why don’t you join us for family game night? We play baseball.
It should be noted that the Cullen family only plays baseball when it thunders because they move so fast and are so damn indestructible that when they collide it sounds like thunder.
Non-vegetarian vampires: Hey can we play too?
Cullens: Yeah sure, just don’t hunt on our land.
Non-vegetarian vampires: Yeah sure…hey, that’s a human!
B: Um, no I’m not.
Non-vegetarian vamps: Um, our vampy-sense says otherwise. Relax, we won’t harm you. Or will we?
Later:
E: Did you see the look in his eyes? He is a tracker, and he will not stop until he has hunted down Bella and killed her. This is all my fault! I never should have let her get so close.
B: It’s okay, Edvard. I would never be parted from you!
E: You must run away and hide. We will go and hunt down the tracker. You go to Phoenix to make sure he doesn’t harm your parents.
In Phoenix:
James (tracker vamp): I have your mother.
B: NOOO.
James: Do what I say and I won’t kill her.
B: Okay!
She writes a note to Edward telling him to not hunt down James, because even though she will be dead she doesn’t want anything to happen to him. Bitch please, he’s a vampire.
Bella goes to a ballet studio. Le gasp! Le horror! It turns out that James does not have her mother after all! It is a recording! James has set up the mirrored room so that he can record Bella’s death in an artistic slasher flick.
James: HAHAHAHA! Your precious Edward will be forced to hunt me now!
B: NOOOOOOOO!
James: breaks her leg, slams her head in a mirror.
Me: Rejoices.
Bella is rescued by the Cullens (of course). But oh noes! She has been bitten by James! The venom will spread throughout her body until she too becomes the undead!
E’s “dad”: you gotta suck it out son. Only you can do it.
So of course he saves her. Did we have any doubt?
Later:
E: I must love you. I didn’t kill you even though I really wanted to.
B: Great! Can we kiss now.
E: Yep
Smooches.
B’s mom: Oh honey, I was so worried! You fell down two flights of stairs and through a window! But it’s okay, we’re moving to Florida.
B: But I like it in the town where it’s always raining.
B’s mom: It’s because of that boy, isn’t it?
B: Maybe
E: You should go to Florida. I will stay far away where I can’t hurt you.
B: Don’t leave me!
E: It’s dangerous!
B: Then turn me into a vampire! We can save each other equally!
E: But you have so much life left…
B: YOU ARE MY LIFE. (true quote that, complete with emphasis)
E: No. I love you too much.
B: It’s gonna happen anyway! Your psychic vampire sister saw it!
Me: *headwall*
Epilogue:
And then they go to the prom.
E and B: dance
Jacob Black: Hello Bella. I’m 6’2” now and starting to get hot, even though it has literally been only a few months.
B: Hi. What’s up?
Jacob: We’ll be watching.
B: Well that’s friendly.
The Obligatory Scene in Formal Dress Dancing Outside in the ~~Twilight~~
B: Turn me into a vampire.
E: No. I will stay with you forever.
B: Fine…for now. I love you.
E: I love you too. It is enough for forever.
Me: IT’S OVER! Thank God I was ready to take up drinking…
THE END. OR IS IT?
Apparently there are three more books, and I can think of several drinking games for this.
Me: I don’t have time…and why should I read it if it’s so bad?
Diedra: DO IT
Me: Yes’m *puts in MELCAT request*
Later…
Caitlyn: I want tacos.
Bridget: You know who can’t have tacos? Cedric, because he’s undead.
Me: undead?
Caitlyn: Yes! Because he’s gonna play Edward in the Twilight movie!
Me: So you’ve read the books?
Caitlyn: yes!
Me: Diedra wants me to read them…
Caitlyn: OMG DO IT. *hands over book*
Bridget: *rolls eyes*
And do I read it. And for those of you with more sense who don’t have time, here is the m15m version. My apologies to cleolinda.
Twilight; or Why I Skipped YA Romances and Went Straight to the Adult Stuff
Main characters:
Bella M. Sue (B), the heroine
Emo Sparklyfangs (E), the hero
B: Oh, woe is me! I am so selfless I have moved to this place WHERE THE SUN
NEVER SHINES. I am a shy, not very attractive girl with PORCELAIN SKIN and DARK HAIR. Will I fit in at my new school?
Boys of New School: SO HOT. WANT.
Girls of new school: Grrrr.
B: Who are those really attractive people sitting over there not eating food?
Brand new BFF: Those are the Cullen and their weird foster siblings. They keep to themselves. So don’t even think about trying to date Edward. He is mine not interested.
Later:
B: Ooh, my new lab partner is EDWARD CULLEN.
E: grr get away from me! *scoots chair to end of table*
B: Why so sullen Edward Cullen?
Edward is absent for a week. Bella thinks about him and his attractiveness mysterious dislike of her. Just in case the reader is wondering, he is HOT. No, seriously. Just in case you forget, it’s written on every other page.
It snows. In school parking lot, a car skids out of control and comes crashing towards our heroine (who is a klutz, just in case you were thinking she was perfect). But she is not smushed under the wheels of poetic irony! No! Out of NOWHERE Edward comes and pulls her out of the way/puts a dent in the car’s fender with his manly back muscles.
B: How did you do that?
E: Do what? It was NOTHING. STAY AWAY FROM ME. I love you!
But of course, star-crossed lovers can never stay apart. It’s in the contract.
B: Everyone wants to go to the dance with me! But I don’t want to. I will go to Seattle instead.
E: Can I come?
B: SURE
At the beach:
Jacob Black: Hey, I know you. We used to hang out when we were little and you have my dad’s old truck and we should be friends. *puppy-dog eyes*
B: You’re kinda young for me.
Jacob: Hey! I become hot later.
B: Okay, we can be friends.
Jacob: The Cullens don’t come to the reservation.
B: YOU KNOW THE CULLENS? *flirts*
J: Yeah, there is this old family legend about how my family are werewolves and the Cullens are vampires who don’t drink human blood but I totally don’t believe it.
B (under breath): He’s a vampire! Of course! That makes PERFECT SENSE!
J: But of course they can’t be vampires any more than we can be werewolves.
B: Shut up, Jacob. Oh Edvard…
Shopping with the new BFFs for dresses:
B: This is beneath me. I am a smart girl so obviously I must go find a bookstore.
B gets lost in the apparently large warehouse district of a town with 20,000 people I actually checked the size)
Men: Hey there little girl. You are the heroine so obviously we must try to harm you in some unspeakable way.
E: Speeds up in Volvo. Rescues B.
B: You’re a vampire aren’t you!
E: Yes, and I can hear people’s thoughts except for yours and I want your blood so badly it takes all the willpower I have not to kill you but I would die to protect you. You are not safe with me.
B: Oh Edvard.
E: Oh Bella.
Me: headdesk
Day of Dance. Instead of going to Seattle Bella and Edward spend a day in a forest meadow. This is where we learn that a) Edward can run really really fast and b) when he is in direct sunlight, he sparkles. Truth. Of course, the little voice in my mind wants to know if he sparkles everywhere.
That night:
E: So we’re totally boyfriend and girlfriend now.
B: OKAY.
E: But we can’t kiss. I might lose control and drink all your blood.
B: oh, okay…
E: I’m totally staying the night though. At least this time I don’t have to sneak around. By the way, you talk in you sleep.
B: YOU WATCH ME?!?
E: I don’t sleep. What else is there for me to do?
B: That’s so romantic.
Me: (best school marm voice) Remember ladies, nothing says love like a guy admitting that not only could he lose control and kill you, he also watches you while you sleep.
The Next Day:
E: I want you to meet my family.
B: Your vampire family? What if they think I’m not good enough for you?
E: Oh Bella, you are so good, thinking of everybody but yourself.
Edward’s family: We’re vampires too. We have consciences and don’t eat humans. We love you Bella, for you have touched the cold despairing heart of Edward and made him love life again. In fact, why don’t you join us for family game night? We play baseball.
It should be noted that the Cullen family only plays baseball when it thunders because they move so fast and are so damn indestructible that when they collide it sounds like thunder.
Non-vegetarian vampires: Hey can we play too?
Cullens: Yeah sure, just don’t hunt on our land.
Non-vegetarian vampires: Yeah sure…hey, that’s a human!
B: Um, no I’m not.
Non-vegetarian vamps: Um, our vampy-sense says otherwise. Relax, we won’t harm you. Or will we?
Later:
E: Did you see the look in his eyes? He is a tracker, and he will not stop until he has hunted down Bella and killed her. This is all my fault! I never should have let her get so close.
B: It’s okay, Edvard. I would never be parted from you!
E: You must run away and hide. We will go and hunt down the tracker. You go to Phoenix to make sure he doesn’t harm your parents.
In Phoenix:
James (tracker vamp): I have your mother.
B: NOOO.
James: Do what I say and I won’t kill her.
B: Okay!
She writes a note to Edward telling him to not hunt down James, because even though she will be dead she doesn’t want anything to happen to him. Bitch please, he’s a vampire.
Bella goes to a ballet studio. Le gasp! Le horror! It turns out that James does not have her mother after all! It is a recording! James has set up the mirrored room so that he can record Bella’s death in an artistic slasher flick.
James: HAHAHAHA! Your precious Edward will be forced to hunt me now!
B: NOOOOOOOO!
James: breaks her leg, slams her head in a mirror.
Me: Rejoices.
Bella is rescued by the Cullens (of course). But oh noes! She has been bitten by James! The venom will spread throughout her body until she too becomes the undead!
E’s “dad”: you gotta suck it out son. Only you can do it.
So of course he saves her. Did we have any doubt?
Later:
E: I must love you. I didn’t kill you even though I really wanted to.
B: Great! Can we kiss now.
E: Yep
Smooches.
B’s mom: Oh honey, I was so worried! You fell down two flights of stairs and through a window! But it’s okay, we’re moving to Florida.
B: But I like it in the town where it’s always raining.
B’s mom: It’s because of that boy, isn’t it?
B: Maybe
E: You should go to Florida. I will stay far away where I can’t hurt you.
B: Don’t leave me!
E: It’s dangerous!
B: Then turn me into a vampire! We can save each other equally!
E: But you have so much life left…
B: YOU ARE MY LIFE. (true quote that, complete with emphasis)
E: No. I love you too much.
B: It’s gonna happen anyway! Your psychic vampire sister saw it!
Me: *headwall*
Epilogue:
And then they go to the prom.
E and B: dance
Jacob Black: Hello Bella. I’m 6’2” now and starting to get hot, even though it has literally been only a few months.
B: Hi. What’s up?
Jacob: We’ll be watching.
B: Well that’s friendly.
The Obligatory Scene in Formal Dress Dancing Outside in the ~~Twilight~~
B: Turn me into a vampire.
E: No. I will stay with you forever.
B: Fine…for now. I love you.
E: I love you too. It is enough for forever.
Me: IT’S OVER! Thank God I was ready to take up drinking…
THE END. OR IS IT?
Apparently there are three more books, and I can think of several drinking games for this.