WATCHMEN MOVIE REVIEW
There may be spoilers in this. It's also possible that I may give spoilers and you have no idea what the fuck I'm talking about because you haven't read the book or seen the movie. Just sayin'. Anyway, the most spoily stuff is behind the cut.
SO. Waaaaaay back in the summerland, a good friend of mine whom I like to call "the internet" starting talking about a trailer for a movie called Watchmen. I had never heard of it, but I am such a movie dork that I hunted down the trailer (personally all apple is good for is its trailer site). And OMG, what a trailer. It's a trailer so good and lovely you just want to take it behind the school and make babies with it. SO GOOD. Here, I shall embed it for your viewing pleasure, because I think we all need to see it again:
See, isn't is awesome? It tells you NOTHING about the plot of the movie but it has shiny spinny glass things! A naked blue man! A hot chick in a latex suit! Some guy who is obviously a dork! That guy who is NOT Javier Bardem! A guy with a Rorschach mask for a face! Misanthropy! And someone who looks suspiciously like Owlman but who, we later discover, is a) mostly good and b) not Owlman!
So I was, needless to stay, intrigued.
Then I came back to EL for work training and discovered that I had no reading material. And Diedra had Watchmen and graciously let me borrow it. I eventually got around to reading it. It was a) complicated b) hard to read (believe it or not, comics require a slightly different form of literacy than straight-up text) and c) oh so good. I mean, the ending, was all WHISKEY TANGO FOXTROT because it has something that has been described as a giant psychic tentacled vagina and the awesome twist of "Do it? Dan, I'm not a Republic serial villain. Do you seriously think I'd explain my master-stroke if there remained the slightest chance of you affecting its outcome? I did it 35 minutes ago."
This quote was slightly altered in the movie but I forgive it. Because *squee*.
AAAAANYWAY, after reading Watchman, I then decided to try some other comics, and got into Sandman, then some of the more mainstream comics and ended up spending lots of dollars on trades and comics and meeting weird people and becoming more nerdier and basically spending all my time reading comics instead of doing homework which is A BIG MISTAKE senior year and so basically, all else being equal, WATCHMEN RUINED MY LIFE.
But I digress, because after much anticipation at 3pm on 3-6-9 (damn good time) I was in the IMAX theater about to watch the Watchmen.
With an introduction that size, you'd think that my review could double for my senior thesis. Sadly, this is not the case. But basically, on my arbitrary movie judgement scale of Would I Hit That? I totally would, repeatedly, then lock it in a hotel room for a week, then marry it and have lots of babies. Who would then all turn out to be genius sociopaths. Or blue. But a mother's love is rooted in sacrifice.
While I thoroughly enjoyed the novel, I understand that there are some elements of it that wouldn't transfer well to the big screen, namely the multi-layered approach to storytelling (I could just picture audiences going "wtf why are there pirates in my cold war?" and "why are there owls that aren't Patrick Wilson?"). I am okay with that, because I believe that making the movie more accessible for more audiences just means that more people will be able to appreciate the awesomesauce that is Watchmen. I actually kind of like the movie ending better than the book ending because a) I didn't pick up all the subtle hints about the book ending and b) it makes more sense re: Jon and his great blue departure from Earth. It also means that there is no giant psychic tentacled vagina, which is sad, but also...I'm not certain that's something I want to see on an IMAX screen. Just sayin'. Hitler, however, was very angered by this new ending:
Poor Hitler. Speaking of giant genitalia, yes, the naked blue man is indeed naked. In the comics his sugalumps were mostly obscured by a convenient piece of giant spinny glass Martian thing (or something similar) but occasionally there were glimpses. In the movie, the obscure thing was the same, although there were times when we got to see Doctor Manhattan's Lil' Doc, if you know what I mean. I counted seven, but Kevin assures me that there were more. Now, it could just be me, but was there something a bit anatomically off? It could be that everything was okay, and it's just that I haven't seen enough naked penii to make an accurate judgement. I wonder...how much would I have to see to make that judgment. Oh God I just had a HORRIFYING mental image which is probably somewhere out there because THE INTERNET IS EVIL.
Um, SILK SPECTRE II. Is not my favorite character, but I can't let myself talk about Doctor Manhattan (who is my favorite character but NOT FOR THOSE REASONS, and whose voice was disconcerting at first but ultimately worked), but I do quite like her. They kept her name as Laurie Jupiter instead of Laurie Juspeczyk but that's a small change I can understand. One qualm: in the comic (and supposedly in the film) Laurie is in her 40s. Unless Jon gives off some sort of radiation that keeps her super-young, there is no way in hell that Malin Akerman can pass for 40.
Nite Owl II. Is not fat. Thank you movie people. I know it's shallow, but if I have to see a naked Patrick Wilson I'd rather he be more fit. He did play the nerd quite well though, the nerd who can KICK ASS. Which is my favorite form of nerdery. Archie is adorable, for all that it is a giant owlship, and I will admit, I had some serious sweater-lust for Hollis' sweater. YES I LIKE OLD MAN SWEATERS. SHUT UP IT LOOKED COMFY.
Ozymandias. Is the type of nerd that you just want to suckerpunch and then keep on kicking. I don't care if he is the smartest person on Earth and maybe saved it. HE IS A DOUCHE. Although: KITTY. I want his kitty Bubastis. If only because it is big and purple. Speaking of which, Ozy was all about the purple, including one very faaaaabulous purple blazer.
The Comedian. Wasn't funny, but hey THAT'S THE JOKE. Good job, Jeffrey Dean Morgan. Maybe now we'll distinguish you better from Javier Bardem and forgive you for Grey's Anatomy.
Rorschach. Jackie Earle Haley NAILED him. For serious, if they had messed up Rorschach the movie would have been ruined, but he was perfect. Small and vicious. Psychotic, committed to his own version of justice. In my various haunts around the interwebs, there were some fanboy complaints that they didn't do enough of his diary. I think if they did more of his diary then it would be excessive. My solution: have JEH read all of Rorschach's lines from the novel as a bonus feature on the DVD. I'd prolly listen to it. He had a great interplay with Nite Owl, which made Caitlin suggest that they get an apartment together. Oh Caitlin, I guarantee you in fan fic they already have.
And, now a word about the music. I totally loved it. I mean, with the exception of Leonard Cohen's version of Hallelujah (oh god why) I liked all the songs on their own merit. They used "All Along the Watchtower" which led me to conclude that the Watchmen are actually the Final Five Cylons. MUHAHAH I've solved the mystery of BSG. I even like how they used all the music (with the exception of Cohen's Hallelujah oh god why). It worked on some strange level.
It also should be noted that I saw this film on 1 hr of sleep in the past 24, but I didn't even think of falling asleep during it because it was so full of amazing. My neck and jaw, however, decided that they no longer had the energy to stay upright and open respectively. Love and sacrifice, love and sacrifice.
So conclusions: fucking awesome, changes were okay, blue peen, GIANT PURPLE KITTY, cylons. Go see it.
SO. Waaaaaay back in the summerland, a good friend of mine whom I like to call "the internet" starting talking about a trailer for a movie called Watchmen. I had never heard of it, but I am such a movie dork that I hunted down the trailer (personally all apple is good for is its trailer site). And OMG, what a trailer. It's a trailer so good and lovely you just want to take it behind the school and make babies with it. SO GOOD. Here, I shall embed it for your viewing pleasure, because I think we all need to see it again:
Click to viewSee, isn't is awesome? It tells you NOTHING about the plot of the movie but it has shiny spinny glass things! A naked blue man! A hot chick in a latex suit! Some guy who is obviously a dork! That guy who is NOT Javier Bardem! A guy with a Rorschach mask for a face! Misanthropy! And someone who looks suspiciously like Owlman but who, we later discover, is a) mostly good and b) not Owlman!
So I was, needless to stay, intrigued.
Then I came back to EL for work training and discovered that I had no reading material. And Diedra had Watchmen and graciously let me borrow it. I eventually got around to reading it. It was a) complicated b) hard to read (believe it or not, comics require a slightly different form of literacy than straight-up text) and c) oh so good. I mean, the ending, was all WHISKEY TANGO FOXTROT because it has something that has been described as a giant psychic tentacled vagina and the awesome twist of "Do it? Dan, I'm not a Republic serial villain. Do you seriously think I'd explain my master-stroke if there remained the slightest chance of you affecting its outcome? I did it 35 minutes ago."
This quote was slightly altered in the movie but I forgive it. Because *squee*.
AAAAANYWAY, after reading Watchman, I then decided to try some other comics, and got into Sandman, then some of the more mainstream comics and ended up spending lots of dollars on trades and comics and meeting weird people and becoming more nerdier and basically spending all my time reading comics instead of doing homework which is A BIG MISTAKE senior year and so basically, all else being equal, WATCHMEN RUINED MY LIFE.
But I digress, because after much anticipation at 3pm on 3-6-9 (damn good time) I was in the IMAX theater about to watch the Watchmen.
With an introduction that size, you'd think that my review could double for my senior thesis. Sadly, this is not the case. But basically, on my arbitrary movie judgement scale of Would I Hit That? I totally would, repeatedly, then lock it in a hotel room for a week, then marry it and have lots of babies. Who would then all turn out to be genius sociopaths. Or blue. But a mother's love is rooted in sacrifice.
While I thoroughly enjoyed the novel, I understand that there are some elements of it that wouldn't transfer well to the big screen, namely the multi-layered approach to storytelling (I could just picture audiences going "wtf why are there pirates in my cold war?" and "why are there owls that aren't Patrick Wilson?"). I am okay with that, because I believe that making the movie more accessible for more audiences just means that more people will be able to appreciate the awesomesauce that is Watchmen. I actually kind of like the movie ending better than the book ending because a) I didn't pick up all the subtle hints about the book ending and b) it makes more sense re: Jon and his great blue departure from Earth. It also means that there is no giant psychic tentacled vagina, which is sad, but also...I'm not certain that's something I want to see on an IMAX screen. Just sayin'. Hitler, however, was very angered by this new ending:
Poor Hitler. Speaking of giant genitalia, yes, the naked blue man is indeed naked. In the comics his sugalumps were mostly obscured by a convenient piece of giant spinny glass Martian thing (or something similar) but occasionally there were glimpses. In the movie, the obscure thing was the same, although there were times when we got to see Doctor Manhattan's Lil' Doc, if you know what I mean. I counted seven, but Kevin assures me that there were more. Now, it could just be me, but was there something a bit anatomically off? It could be that everything was okay, and it's just that I haven't seen enough naked penii to make an accurate judgement. I wonder...how much would I have to see to make that judgment. Oh God I just had a HORRIFYING mental image which is probably somewhere out there because THE INTERNET IS EVIL.
Um, SILK SPECTRE II. Is not my favorite character, but I can't let myself talk about Doctor Manhattan (who is my favorite character but NOT FOR THOSE REASONS, and whose voice was disconcerting at first but ultimately worked), but I do quite like her. They kept her name as Laurie Jupiter instead of Laurie Juspeczyk but that's a small change I can understand. One qualm: in the comic (and supposedly in the film) Laurie is in her 40s. Unless Jon gives off some sort of radiation that keeps her super-young, there is no way in hell that Malin Akerman can pass for 40.
Nite Owl II. Is not fat. Thank you movie people. I know it's shallow, but if I have to see a naked Patrick Wilson I'd rather he be more fit. He did play the nerd quite well though, the nerd who can KICK ASS. Which is my favorite form of nerdery. Archie is adorable, for all that it is a giant owlship, and I will admit, I had some serious sweater-lust for Hollis' sweater. YES I LIKE OLD MAN SWEATERS. SHUT UP IT LOOKED COMFY.
Ozymandias. Is the type of nerd that you just want to suckerpunch and then keep on kicking. I don't care if he is the smartest person on Earth and maybe saved it. HE IS A DOUCHE. Although: KITTY. I want his kitty Bubastis. If only because it is big and purple. Speaking of which, Ozy was all about the purple, including one very faaaaabulous purple blazer.
The Comedian. Wasn't funny, but hey THAT'S THE JOKE. Good job, Jeffrey Dean Morgan. Maybe now we'll distinguish you better from Javier Bardem and forgive you for Grey's Anatomy.
Rorschach. Jackie Earle Haley NAILED him. For serious, if they had messed up Rorschach the movie would have been ruined, but he was perfect. Small and vicious. Psychotic, committed to his own version of justice. In my various haunts around the interwebs, there were some fanboy complaints that they didn't do enough of his diary. I think if they did more of his diary then it would be excessive. My solution: have JEH read all of Rorschach's lines from the novel as a bonus feature on the DVD. I'd prolly listen to it. He had a great interplay with Nite Owl, which made Caitlin suggest that they get an apartment together. Oh Caitlin, I guarantee you in fan fic they already have.
And, now a word about the music. I totally loved it. I mean, with the exception of Leonard Cohen's version of Hallelujah (oh god why) I liked all the songs on their own merit. They used "All Along the Watchtower" which led me to conclude that the Watchmen are actually the Final Five Cylons. MUHAHAH I've solved the mystery of BSG. I even like how they used all the music (with the exception of Cohen's Hallelujah oh god why). It worked on some strange level.
It also should be noted that I saw this film on 1 hr of sleep in the past 24, but I didn't even think of falling asleep during it because it was so full of amazing. My neck and jaw, however, decided that they no longer had the energy to stay upright and open respectively. Love and sacrifice, love and sacrifice.
So conclusions: fucking awesome, changes were okay, blue peen, GIANT PURPLE KITTY, cylons. Go see it.