It isn't a revelation...

[u_stupid_boy]

But maybe I can't love anyone.

And also, I may have outgrown this journal. I don't really see myself as the person this was made for. In fact, I know I'm not him. I am so much less a boy and so much more a man these days. The man is constantly fighting the boy, it seems, but the boy is so wild, he poisons me still. He uses the tools of the man for his pleasure, but I am beginning to cut him off. He was born in the past and must remain there. I love myself, and I want to become something new and amazing, and so I must first cease to be what I was.

Maybe I cannot love anyone because I am too distracted with loving myself. Both the boy and the man are fighting for their lives, and I have to let one die. I can't be him anymore.

This has to come first.

I love the boy's wildness, but it won't take me where I want to go. It can only keep me where I am, and not only can I not stay here, but I have no desire to. It makes sense. He must keep the man from emerging in order to preserve himself. He wanted to be a monster, and he has certainly made me a prescence, but his success would be my destruction. I have taken what I need from him, and I truly appreciate my experiences, but now I have to leave him, in order to grow.

I am not the boy I was. I do not want to be. I am also not stupid, and so I have no excuses.