(no subject)
You know, I'm facing so much these days, it seems.
And on top of that, I don't know if having more or less allies is what's best for me.
My relationships with all of these people, friends, family, they've been the most important thing for so long...I understand how valuable they are to me, how much they mean, and how much they do.
But I've noticed something recently. When ever I'm so...I don't even know, so full of some feeling, it's almost like they protect me from myself.
Whenever I want to do something wreckless, whenever I want to run away, and stop this and start something else...It's like my life belongs to them. My life belongs to the people that I love. And I know it, because I have irrefutably seen that it is for them I continue to live it.
If I woke up tomorrow, and decided that I was done being here, and wanted to just walk away and not come back, if I just disappeared...I wouldn't disappear, because I would be with me the whole time. I wouldn't be leaving my life, because whichever road I walked would simply become my life. But because I do not belong to myself, I cannot take myself away.
If I left, I would be leaving me. I can only even recognize myself in the people I care about. I see myself, all of these aspects of myself in the people close to me. They show me my life.
But I don't...I don't know if I can, or if I can continue to pretend to be ok with the state of my world. I feel myself being drawn away from everything that I see myself in. And the things that hold tight, I almost want to brush them off, because I know that while they are holding me out of love, they are holding me all the same. I'm burning to get away from here.
I know that there are things out there for me. I know that there are passions and desires that I can't find here, and I've just settled for these makeshift versions of the things I feel myself wanting out of life, because it's all I have to work with, but nothing's working.
I'm building this house of cards, because someone handed me this deck, but it keeps falling down. And I know that it's going to keep falling down, no matter how convincing I can ever make it look. Am I really supposed to just resign myself to this?
And on top of that, I don't know if having more or less allies is what's best for me.
My relationships with all of these people, friends, family, they've been the most important thing for so long...I understand how valuable they are to me, how much they mean, and how much they do.
But I've noticed something recently. When ever I'm so...I don't even know, so full of some feeling, it's almost like they protect me from myself.
Whenever I want to do something wreckless, whenever I want to run away, and stop this and start something else...It's like my life belongs to them. My life belongs to the people that I love. And I know it, because I have irrefutably seen that it is for them I continue to live it.
If I woke up tomorrow, and decided that I was done being here, and wanted to just walk away and not come back, if I just disappeared...I wouldn't disappear, because I would be with me the whole time. I wouldn't be leaving my life, because whichever road I walked would simply become my life. But because I do not belong to myself, I cannot take myself away.
If I left, I would be leaving me. I can only even recognize myself in the people I care about. I see myself, all of these aspects of myself in the people close to me. They show me my life.
But I don't...I don't know if I can, or if I can continue to pretend to be ok with the state of my world. I feel myself being drawn away from everything that I see myself in. And the things that hold tight, I almost want to brush them off, because I know that while they are holding me out of love, they are holding me all the same. I'm burning to get away from here.
I know that there are things out there for me. I know that there are passions and desires that I can't find here, and I've just settled for these makeshift versions of the things I feel myself wanting out of life, because it's all I have to work with, but nothing's working.
I'm building this house of cards, because someone handed me this deck, but it keeps falling down. And I know that it's going to keep falling down, no matter how convincing I can ever make it look. Am I really supposed to just resign myself to this?