now i need you back in my zone

[u_knowiloveyou]

dark carnival
yunho&jaejoong; ot5 (feat 2pm)
pg, au, horror, drama, romance
based on L4D2 and zombieland, the movie



#1 your friend is your guard

A siren blares, low and mulling, starting a tremor in the hearts of those who recognize its beating. It’s a ghost-town, an abandoned city rife with the smell of blood and putrid flesh. The siren ceases its mournful call. The street stands still for a second, a chill hum that stutters the pulse and violates the silence. Then it comes like a flood, the sound of stamping feet. The pounding footsteps of a multitude. The sound of fleeing, of dying. The sound of the dead coming back to life. Their shrieks begin, flayed and tortured, lodging in our eardrums long after they have been culled. I unlock the windows, shouting for back-up. My rifle tips over the window ledge, pointing at the steaming crowd below us. From the uppermost floor of the building, I can see beyond the human faces. A straggler keels over, his knees fastened to the floor. A loping figure barrels towards him, rotting hands flinging. Yoochun fires a shot, taking the zombie down by the leg. Where it falls three more gather. The straggler howls as he’s torn apart, limb from limb, head from neck. I grit my teeth and force the gag down my gullet, dropping more of the living dead where they run. Everywhere, in every direction I swerve, another victim rises where he falls, turning on his human counterparts-except he isn’t human anymore.

Impending doom; we cannot save them. The futility of it hangs in the air around our necks. Changmin collapses against the wall, eyes closed to block out the carnage. Horrors rekindle like burnt embers in the darkness, and when he re-opens them I can see the terror dancing within. Right before our eyes, an entire civilization had succumbed. We’ve seen men ravaged and women slain. We’ve witnessed children turn. They were everywhere. We’d looted a weapons-shop and a mini-mart, taken up arms, and barricaded ourselves in a tight-security building where every door had a heavy lock. The kind that could keep monsters from barging through. The roads eventually bleed empty, leaving behind a residue of foul stench that burned incense into the horizon, a slash across the afternoon sky that opened like an infested wound. Jaejoong heaves himself onto the carpeted floor, wiping back sweat and forlorn tears. We could have been them. We could have been any of them. Human. Murderer. Monster. Our guns clatter to the ground, a grotesque reminder that in five shots, we could end it all. To die, afterall, is not so valiant. It’s the ones that remain behind who bear the weight of the world.

We find it a nuisance, but every once in awhile we’re a little low on ammunition and hope. When will it be over-this tragedy, Yoochun would ask. Even Changmin, who has the gift of wisdom, supplies no definite answer. Tomorrow it will go away; yet tomorrow comes like hell on earth, hell-bent on proving us wrong. There has to be a cure, Junsu says when the air doesn’t smell so much like despair. He speaks the thoughts we dare not believe: there has to be an end to this madness. A small possibility that meant leaving the refuge of this safe-house and putting ourselves out there where the zombies roamed in swarms, which meant that we could very well die if we hadn’t the firepower to take them out before they reached us with groping hands and gnashing teeth. Yet after being stationed here for weeks without a radio or television with only the bare necessities, we had to consider our other options, and that included leaving this mess. We should get help, I say, as if our lives didn’t hang in the balance. It’s been determined. Heads straighten and lips smack as we pack our belongings and file out of the exit. We tethered at the brink of an apocalypse, and none of us could stand to sit waiting.

Beneath the cover of shadow, we sneak about under bands of sunlight, thieves in a world we used to dominate. A sigh wells in the cavern of my chest, loud enough to pierce the walls of my soul. The gaping mouth of a dead zombie snarls soundless curses at the heavens. Junsu’s boot kicks into the gnarled leg of another, causing it to flop. The twitch of frozen muscles startles us. Yoochun pulls out his gun, arms trembling. I stay his hand. False alarm, I whisper calmly. Strewn across the road are leftover scraps of sanity, tattered portions of newspaper flapping about, lifting papered wings into the sky. A dove, come to promise peace. Changmin’s palm is a rude slap on my arm. He makes a hand-sign, one I register as panic. Jerking about in the alleyway are a few of the living dead. Fortunately, they hadn’t seemed to notice us. I clench my hand into a fist and raise it above me for the rest of my band to see. They gather as I urge them the other way, towards safer ground. For the last time, Yoochun looks back at these grunting creatures-a searing glance. His gaze turns to salt.

Hardly two blocks away, a swagger of men wave looted bottles of beer in the air as we pass by, saluting us with jeers and derisive voices. I hear their merry-making for what it truly is-cries of anguish overlapping the woe. These men have nothing to live for anymore. One particular drunk races towards us, reeking of alcohol and tobacco. They’ve made a cure, he shrieks, flecks of spittle dotting his chin. His declaration sinks to the marrow. A crippling burden lifts off my shoulder, but I know better than to trust the claims of a fool. Aye, another of the group speaks up. He’s from the outskirts of the city by the lilt of his accent. They’ve found a cure to save the damned. He chuckles heartily, when all I want to do is weep in bone-crushing joy. At the brink of destitute, men would believe anything. We had so much more to lose. I find Jaejoong’s eyes with mine-his hand falters and brushes against the hem of my shirt. He’s saying that our prayers have been answered, Yunhoyah. He’s saying we’ve been rescued. The man’s chortling persists, a backdrop of screeching madness. I hear naught but the shout of hope.

In my mind’s eye, the universe changes like spilt watercolor on parched canvas. The sky becomes a brighter shade of black, bare streets re-populate, and zombies become human again. Our lives could be restored… As we approach the warehouse, a stale-looking building which closely resembled the safe-house we had left, a cacophony of crows greet us. What was once a bustling population had now been reduced to the cry of ravens. Aside from the raving lunatics and madmen. We had to replenish our scarce supply of food. Our skin hung slack around the contours of our cheeks from lack of nutrition, prisoners of a war we knew not how to fight and finish. Split out, I order the rest at the entrance. We break into pairs. Everyone except for myself. Jaejoong beckons me to follow them, but the glare I give him bids no argument. His expression contorts, more worry than agitation. I overlook it. Wary and anxious, Changmin steps out, eagle eyes adjusting to the dark, quick to catch any slight movement. Jaejoong treks behind him silently, fingering the safety catch on his revolver, switching his focus on the youngest.

Meanwhile, Yoochun and Junsu search amongst the level of shelves, ducking about carefully to avoid knocking them down. A cereal box tumbles, crashing mutely. Heads flick. Guns click. Hackles raise. I squint, sweat trickling between my brows, too far away from any of my members to feel secure. This place smelt too much like the desolation it sat in the middle of. I trace a path backwards, trailing the odor of fright I had spilled like bread crumbs over my passing footsteps. It could be human, I tell myself; anything to calm my escalating pulse. A curse slides from between my teeth, hurried and feverish. The temperature drops a degree in my body. Jaejoong materializes behind me, an apparition that stems my breathing. It’s okay, Yunhoyah. Something toppled, that’s all. He has to repeat it a million times until the white of my eyes stop showing-until the threat of death dissipates like a fog. I’m not letting you go alone anymore, he concludes, angry at himself for not disagreeing before. I cling to him for a second before dismissing my panic attack. I’m alright, I admit reluctantly, releasing his hold. We were this close to danger, and yet he felt so inevitably warm...

Another item off the food-shelf topples, spiking off our adrenaline. It’s just me, Junsu owns up, picking the packet of chips off the floor and stuffing it into his bag. We were safe for now. Yoochun bars the door shut, shoving his rifle through the handles. He peels a miniature handgun from his socks and stuffs it into his belt. A spare pistol. From the sloppy grin on his face, I can tell he’s always wanted to look cool doing that. I spin my weapon around my fingers, loosening up the knots in my tendons. Yoochun’s eyes widen. Hyung, teach me, he insists, fascinated by the flexibility of my hands. I oblige him. Changmin speaks up over the clatter of falling guns. Should we make camp? He made a good point. Under the cover of the moon, we’d still be visually impaired. Our five senses would be our very handicap. I survey the walls and ceilings, widespread above our heads, a circular dome against an obscured sky. Rows and rows of food pile along the aisles, an array of brand names we’d never learnt existed. The floor seemed inviting. One night, I tell them finally, although I have no inkling of where we’d go next.

#2 don’t let your guard down

No matter how tired we are, someone has to keep the night watch. The earth seethes with anxious movements, it doesn’t take a bloodhound to sniff the tension. The ground throbs with it-the moans of the living dead, the dread screams of their unwary victims. It’s the same deal every night. Yoochun dreams, terrible dreams that break the sweat on his back. His fingers twitch, restlessly searching for reassurance. Jaejoong finds them, squeezing in consolation. He looks up at me from an ocean of restless sleep. Want me to take over? he asks, voice garbed in exhaustion. He stifles a yawn, uttering a muffled yip. Another sound smothers his, this time coming from the back. Sharp ice-sticks flare down my spine. How many times can a heart stop beating before it stops at all? Jaejoong tautens, body stiffening even as his ears perk. His face falls in dismay when another menacing growl emerges, closer and larger to life than before. Stay here, I whisper despite the shaking of my limbs, putting on a brave façade. Jaejoong rolls away from Yoochun, disengaging their hands. Stay, I hiss, tossing him the nearest rifle. They need you. He flicks a glance at the sleeping members and gulps, but doesn’t move. In order to protect them, I had to be selfish enough to forbid him from coming after me.

We’d neglected to check the backrooms, that much I am sure. As to who-or what-lay there, I have not a clue. A thousand eyes crawl over me, watching my every move, calculating the number of steps it would take to disaster. I creep forward against my better judgment, baited by both curiosity and stupidity. The moans of an injured man carry into the more spacious part of the building. After hiding out in that safe-house for an extensive period, I’d forgotten how to differentiate between the voices of man and monster, for one could be the other in the wink of an eye. I smash a first-aid kit located next to the fire extinguisher, shirking off the glass. The voices stop cautiously. I remove gauze and bandages, chest hammering, feet frozen solid. Any moment now, and I’d expect a zombie to jump me. I gulp the lump in my throat, wishing I could be anywhere but here where the air was ice in my lungs. Turning, I walk into the visible unknown. Weren’t so many things exactly that? Even before the universe as we knew it began spinning off-course. The walls cave in on me, twisting my vision into narrow slits. It is then I notice the outsider.

For an instance it must’ve been a trick of the shadows. He stands stooping, the hunch of a beggar. Waves of sweat clog my pores, a wetness that pools at the back of my shirt. Who’s there, I call feebly, my heart tripping in the dark. Run, a voice murmured. Run like you’ve never before… The stranger staggers forward in gruesome movements, graveyard grin permanently carved into its jaw. A zombie with an apparent limp, gauging me with concave pupils and bleeding gums. The scream carries, but never makes it past my mouth. Tragedy, the voice murmured spitefully. Tragedy becomes me… The creature gapes, wide-lipped and flowing gashes. A living scar. Features blend into a matrimony of love and hate, stark and binding. It let loose an inhuman snarl, seething with murderous instinct. My feet won’t save me. My heart will bury me. Rolling eyes avert as the click of a gun trickles into a thousand splayed thoughts. Amidst the ruins-Jaejoong-tears pealing down his cheeks. You were taking too long, he sobs, fingers trembling to the weapon he wields. Between pulling the trigger and not- He won’t bring himself to do it, that hidden voice whispers. Not when hope liessss… A winding gasp, snapping teeth close-shave to my neck. Two heartbeats, and then bullets whiz, a mad rush of vacuum. The monster shatters to the floor as I lay breathing. Hope liesss… the secret voice continues. A voice without a voice. The truth of deception.

Jaejoong picks up the pieces. Memories. Horrors. Guilt. Blazing guilt, an all-consuming fire. He had killed a man in cold blood. To save your life, my conscience accuses treacherously, vile thoughts that prick the skin. You have ruined him. He gazes at me with steel in his eyes, the same kind of terror that’s written in mine. A trepidation not of what we’d witnessed, but of what might become of him. Of us. His expression hardens when the scratching begins, like nails on a chalkboard. The closet doors to our left unlatch, spilling mother and child on the cold, hard floor. The woman whimpers at our ghastly silhouettes, clutching the boy to herself as if she were a foldable fortress. A shield made of flesh and bone. You’re safe for now, I murmur softly so as not to startle her, raising both hands to show that we were harmless. Her child whimpers, red streaks running down the front of his scalp, a crimson that bled profusely. He needs help, I murmur gently, plucking the boy from her bosom. Jaejoong tends to his wounds, unwrapping bandages around his head. Although the gash was uninfected by the virus, it was evident that someone had flung him into something. Who did this, Jaejoong asks without meaning to, stroking along the side of the child’s face. The boy passes a fleeting look at the zombie corpse, sobbing a single, wretched word: Father.

Dread pours like catastrophe, choking the hollow in Jaejoong’s chest. It was me, he confesses grimly, his voice metallic and hard of feeling. It was me. The woman absolves him. He would have killed us. It couldn’t be helped. The boy runs back into the shelter of his mother’s arms as Jaejoong glances at his palms, streaked with innocence. Blood on his hands... He could’ve been turned back, Jaejoong fairly cries. He could have and I- I peer at the void in his eyes and shudder. If I touched you now, what salvation would it bring? The woman stares at me with the wild-eyed look of a person confronted with far-fetched beliefs. There’s no cure, she replies simply, as if we’d been cruelly misled. There’s no hope left, she seemed to be saying. The weight of reality tilts at a balance, a scale that tips too far off the edge. The mist dispels, leaving behind blatant fact and hardened resolve. Come with us, I say, sweeping aside my disappointment and offering her protection. Thank you for everything, she whispers to Jaejoong, laying a hand on his arm as if her skin could wipe away the mark of casualty. An inner stink that festers. Yet another lost cause.

Later that morning, I watch the rising of the sun bend its first rays through the murky windows unstirred, as if it were indifferent to the outcome of our destinies. We were but a breath. Last night attests to that; hard evidence to an even harder consequence. Jaejoong hadn’t slept a wink, except for the many times he’d blinked back unsavory tears. Diamond dust, like shards of frozen glass. My tongue swells at the back of my throat. Do you blame me? Or is my guilt my own? I dare not speak, as if summoning our terror in verbal terms would send those horrors skidding towards us, another ghastly replay of events. Men rarely, and often not, saw truth as it was told. Fools despised knowledge, and truth merely revealed. It did no convincing... You saved three of us today, I tell him weakly, for as much as my words are worth. A team has to have five people, Jaejoong had said finally, as though he’d found justification along the final stretch of an endless tunnel. If you weren’t here, we’d be four.

#3 a team is five members

No one gets left behind. The woman and her child come with us, walking within our defensive circle. We’ve been told to go southwards, she says. Along the highway until we find somebody who can help. I scan the congested roads. It would be impossible to travel by car. The highways were packed with unused vehicles, most of which had been left to rot when the epidemic had broke out and their owners had fled. Our search for help-futile. We don’t know who’s out there, or what. It was as though everyone had disappeared; vanished into thin air. According to her, the military had isolated a segment of the country, an area of quarantine where the uninfected could seek refuge, which would explain why the towns people had just up and left. It was a place where survivors gathered to recuperate, perhaps to mourn in peace. Somehow, the promise of this oasis in the middle of an epic plague-this mirage-was like grasping at straws. But we were also left with no choice. Everybody’s gone, Yoochun murmurs, picking up obvious detail. Without the shadow of a doubt-we were alone.

It’s too quiet. There’s something amiss here. Perhaps the absence of humans. That’s when we catch a glimpse of the first dead body. The first of many, flung about the gravel. Flayed body parts and sunken, gouging sockets; a giant mass of zombie corpses. There’d been a massacre in the still of the night. Army folk, Changmin derives, studying the shrapnel embedded in the meat of a particular zombie. Its insides had imploded, plastering the ground with fleshy bits. That’s some serious firepower, Junsu agrees, squatting over the corpse of another. He pitches a bullet casing at me. What d’you think? Are we dealing with the army or a bunch of rogues with grenades and torches? I inspect the shell, running my thumb against its grain and sutures. This isn’t our usual weaponry, I tell them, scouring the wreckage for clues. Whatever it was, it was carefully executed. In the distance, a guttural drone emerges, shrouding the atmosphere with vibrations. Jaejoong draws his gun, nudging the woman and her child to one side. Don’t move, he says, peering skyward.

The chopper skims above us, a metallic bird with military markings. Changmin waves, and then we’re all hollering and gesturing for its notice. When it lands, a helmeted men leaps out of the cockpit, jogging towards us and shouting into a portable radio. Are there any more of you left? the pilot asks, lowering the weapon he carried. Military guns, similar to those that had carried out these zombie killings. Not that we know of, I tell him for the record. I’ll take you to safety, the man says. But uh- There was always some clause, some sort of conditional give-and-take... Each chopper only has space for five, and we've been ordered to do a final sweep. This is my last round, he says. I shut my eyes and do the math just as Jaejoong volunteers himself out of rescue. It’s now or never, the pilot barks, staring intensely. He was our one-way trip out of here, our only trip. Take the five of them. Jaejoong and I will stay, I say, not missing a beat. Just take the woman and her kid, Changmin growls. We’re not leaving if it’s without everybody, Yoochun adds, glancing at Junsu, who grins wryly. Who’s gonna watch out for you guys if I’m not around? he mutters, reloading his gun. Yoochun thumps me on the back. No one’s sacrificing themselves, hyung. One for all and all for one.

I turn on him, not quite believing what he's said. One for all and all for what? I ask vehemently, grabbing Yoochun by the collar. If you do this you will have killed yourself! I cannot be held responsible for their deaths. I will not. Jaejoong releases my choke-hold on Yoochun, clutching him by the shoulders. Take Junsu and Changmin and go! he pleads, imploring with his eyes. Yoochun looks away. No, he grits. You can’t make us, Changmin speaks up, stepping between the two of them. Junsu doesn’t budge. Not anywhere. Not towards the last chance they have at staying alive. It’s final, how they’ve decided for themselves. How they know everything and nothing at all. The pilot escorts the woman and her child into his chopper. He fixes his gaze on all five of us, yelling above the racket. You have to keep going south along the highway until you find the camp by the bridge. It’s a suicide mission on your own. There are more of those monsters up there. His warning echoes as the helicopter ascends into the whirlwind, its blades slicing against the wind. It’s as though terrible things have yet to come, and I can’t fight the feeling of delayed regret.

Yoochun lays down the details. We said we’re in this together, hyung. We’re not on our own. Jaejoong flicks the sweat off his forehead, and along with it tiny evidences of a man’s inner turmoil. He would have eagerly swapped places with them in the blink of an eye. And he had. But then so would every one of us. We’d forfeit our lives for each other. One for all and all for what? For family. For friendship. For love… It descends like a cloud. A single thought. A rushing thought. I want to protect the ones I love. They could make their own decisions, but that didn’t mean I had to stop being concerned over their welfare. We have a lot of ground to cover on foot, I tell them stoically, not looking at their faces. I would do whatever it takes to keep them safe if they won’t. Jaejoong frowns in dismay, as though the three might break his heart the same way they’ve broken mine. He tosses each of them a passing glance, like flipping coins into wishing wells. Don’t die on me, he whispers softly. For your sake and ours.

We’ve been trekking towards the highway for what could’ve gone on forever, on occasion stumbling across zombie parts. Brains blown out, skulls cracked. Signs of a struggle. Head-shot, Junsu pipes, scratching his head with the butt-end of his rifle. Someone’s been doing their homework, Yoochun kids, first smile since the Apocalypse. Apparently, we had company up ahead. Be careful, I caution, taking the lead. If we’re cornered, there’s no escape except below. The entrance to the southern highway stood suspended over the river, a bridge over troubled waters. Changmin raises thick eyebrows. It’s poisoned, hyung. There were corpses bobbing along the polluted surface, bloated with their eyeballs gouging. A concrete death-trap, littered with cars of all shapes and sizes. I’ve never seen anything like this before, Yoochun murmurs, swallowing the reality of a civilization laid to waste. By our own hands, no less. It loomed before us, taunting with trepidation. A prequel to disaster. We were walking into a mass graveyard.

The butchery leaves a stain on our minds. What the hell… Yoochun gasps as he peeks into the window of a family van. The splatter of red matter on windshields. Fractured backseats. Victims. Over here, Junsu hisses, pointing through a giant crack in the glass. More victims. Some ripped to shreds or bled out on the cushions. They couldn’t stick their heads in through the glass so they reached in with their hands, Changmin surmises, which would bring clarification to why some of the dead hadn’t morphed into monsters. They hadn’t been bitten. They’d been groped and mangled to death in the cage of their automobiles. What about the other empty cars? Junsu wonders off-handedly. Glass just wasn’t strong enough to keep their teeth out, Changmin states. They probably turned against those around them. He shrugs indifferently, having seen too much to be disgusted-only scarred. This is insane, Yoochun mutters, shaking his head. This is what you signed up for when you didn’t take the first flight out, I blame myself inwardly. This is my fault.

Jaejoong slouches. He’d been quiet for the most part, but it’s killing him inside I can tell. Everything was. Everything including us. He glimpsed zombies behind every unturned stone. He replayed our deaths over and over. He jumped when I spoke; Jaejoong… He snaps out of his reverie, rabid imaginations turning back to smoke. Skeletons in a closet. The monsters under our beds. We lag behind, forming the rear end of our group. I’m sorry, I whisper without an explanation. I’m sorry for everything. He doesn’t ask what for exactly, and then I realize that he doesn’t have to. He understands-because he’s sorry himself. The questions arise inevitably, the same ones I’ve kept from asking myself. Tell me we did all we could, Yunhoyah. Tell me we didn’t just put their lives at risk for nothing. His voice raises a desperate notch. What would he have me say? What would he have me lie to him? I couldn’t do it. Not when I hadn’t found an excuse for myself. He stops me in my tracks, demanding-begging me to say something, anything… I leave him hanging.

#4 the enemy of my enemy is my friend

It stretched for miles and miles, the highway and the silence. An eerie tranquil buzzing in our ears. After the bridge, the pavement split both ways. A fork in the road. It’s like we’ve been chasing our tails. It’s like we were lost. Junsu scowls, pulling a muscle in his jaw. Someone’s in a bad mood, Yoochun quips. Changmin frowns at the remark, a quick-passing expression. Nothing escaped his notice. He watches me quizzically as I blink back the dilemma, a mask to hide his probing intellect. One of these roads takes us to safety. One of these takes us far from it. And I didn't know which. I say we go the right path, Changmin suggests tactically. I say we take the left, Junsu insists, trying to play devil’s advocate. I say we think this through before going on a whim, Yoochun interrupts, clearly distressed by their argument. Jaejoong offers no opinion, silently studying the layout, as if recalling roadmaps from memory. Personally, I’d have liked to say screw the road and take the chopper, but the rattle of gunfire scatters our dispositions, causing us to duck behind the nearest vehicle.

Changmin hollers, the rip of shrapnel distorting his sentences. He passes the binoculars to me. Ten to twenty zombies up ahead, a full-scale attack. Get down! I roar above the spray of bullets, or the sound of it. Fire blazed on the pavement ahead, sizzling, cackling... Figures-a handful of them-come charging towards us, waving their rifles frantically for us to back off... They’re human! Jaejoong shouts as we lift our weapons in response. Behind them came an entire wad of zombies sprinting in our direction. Too many to count on one hand and foot. We begin shooting, witnessing zombie after zombie bow before our firing squad. I leap over the car trunk and walk right into the midst of disorder and chaos, blindly shooting when the swing of a zombie’s limb strikes me on the cheek. Yoochun yells, jumping the creature and firing at point-blank range. Thanks, I manage, before a grenade erupts. Like mushrooms, the cars balloon into the atmosphere, smoke billowing from their roofs. Such was the blast that it knocked us to our knees. Amidst the relentless snarling and whizzing ammunition, I hear the bellow of laughter. Full, rich laughter. Precious noise.

When the zombies have dwindled to a handful, we’re left with the remains of a battlefield and four extra men. Chansung, the tallest, introduces himself, offering his hand and throwing his gun to the ground. He grins sloppily at us, cloaked in clogged blood. A giant with puppy-eyes. What’re you guys doing in the middle of nowhere? he asks, no beating 'bout the bush. We heard about a safe zone, I reply, letting my guard down against his soulful demeanor. Ain’t gonn find any of that here, the man known as Wooyoung chips in. He had small eyes and a disarming smirk. Friendly, nonetheless. We’re hunting, Chansung explains, gesturing at his luggage as though the equipment could speak for itself. Guns, ammo, explosives-the usual. For a non-citizen, that is. We kill zombies, the man called Taec mumbles in a laidback fashion. His tone, however, bade no fooling around. We’ll take you halfway, Jay, the smallest, says finally, the only thing he mentions other than his name. Despite his size, the man carried himself like the leader. He laughs then, at the incredulous look in my eyes. That same tune, the one I’ve heard just moments earlier. He winks knowingly before adding: Safety in numbers.

It takes awhile but we find out that they are military personnel on an unknown mission to serve and protect. How long have you been doing this? Yoochun asks Taec, trying to keep up with his elongated feet. How long have you been running? comes the reply. Pretty much rhetorical. What are you people again? Junsu wonders. Hunters, Chansung reiterates. He had a fascination with them, it seemed. We’re humans, Wooyoung corrects. Humans who happen to kill zombies. He kicks an empty can across the gravel, beaming as it skitters beneath the wheels of a car. The toothy grin of a Cheshire cat. Out here, you’re dead or alive, Jay mutters. You dead and alive, we put a gun to your head, no sob stories. His warning is absolute, along with the solid way in which he stood. Simply worded, he would put the lights out of any of us who turned. It’s the rule of the game, and this was one hell of a championship match. Each man for himself, and for his friends, because we couldn’t afford to risk endangering the people we’d sworn to protect.

Night arrives to steal the light. The weather takes on a chill that puts us on edge. Shifty eyes scan the distances for human shapes-monsters in disguise. We’ve been traveling for much longer than we’ve walked, around the same theories, around the same dreadful hope. No one sets up bonfire for the camp. The only illumination we had came from the stars. It’s an all-you-can-sleep highway, Wooyoung quips, glancing around. Pick a car. He butts Taec away from a Volkswagen, the equivalent of a caravan. That one’s mine, he says. Taec yawns, apparently used to being pushed around. Car seats were a luxury. It granted us cushion to stiff necks and even stiffer thoughts. Thoughts that strayed far from reality. Tired? Jaejoong asks, suddenly appearing beside me, as pale as death. No, you? I ask in return. He quirks the corner of his lips, as though contemplating the reason. Yeah, he finally replies, but I can’t go to sleep. He stares right into me, and everything but my voice is a giveaway. I know, I admit. Neither can I.

He leads me up the roof of a van, two meters away from our rugged band of rogues. From our vantage point, we can see along the expanse of highway. How far, really, would we have to go?... Jaejoong slips a hand into mine. Can we trust them? he whispers into my ear, bending forward to haul me upwards. The vehicle groans and sinks into its tires. Do you trust them? I mutter under my breath, stifling a shiver. His eyes flash, a beacon in the dark. I guess I do since we’re fighting on the same side, he gathers, rubbing a hand over his face. And I trust you, I say simply. If anyone had good judgment, it had to be Jaejoong. By this time, the rest of the group had fallen asleep with the doors wide open, exposed to the unbearable frost. Safety precautions-in case of an ambush, we didn’t want to be trapped in the confines of a car. We could start a fire, Jaejoong suggests, withering slightly from the cold. We can’t, I explain through chattering teeth. If there’s a fire they’ll find us. They’ll find all of us… Tonight, I tell him, in search for the moon. Tonight we hide.

#5 share the good stuff

Jay and I make small conversation. Leader to leader. Never mind if it’s just an old story, a personal testimony, a scar. The two on my face aren’t from fighting monsters. The ones in my heart are. Does it haunt you? I ask the fearless leader. He blinks back at me. You’re not talking about the zombies, are you? Jay infers. He was right-I wasn’t. It’s not the zombies I was frightened of. Jay glowers, his gums revealed in an arc. It’s a conspiracy, this whole darned place, he fairly spits. You learn to live with it. He blinks at me again, this time seeing more than he should. Do you ever think about how you’ll get your men out of here? I ask, unable to keep up with my thoughts. They chose to stay, Jay says bluntly. I’m just doing my part to watch out for them. Me too, I think, but talk is cheap, and so is the soju that comes with it. I was supposed to get them to safety, I confess. Jay nods slightly, as if he understood how things don’t always go they way we want them to. You can’t change the past but you can with the future, he says, and at that instance I don’t know how or why I had said what I had. Perhaps it was the way this man seemed to share the same burden, the same responsibilities. Stranger made companion. Love and respect, man, Jay mutters as if he’d figured out the similarities between us as well. Love and respect.

Yoochun confronts me along our journey, sneaking up behind and tapping me on the shoulder. Hyung we need to talk, he slurs inaudibly, but I’ve known him for years not to recognize his speech patterns. We’re sorry for making you guys worry, he mumbles, dropping our pace to an agonizingly slow speed. With Yoochun, there was always no need to hurry. I know you want what’s best for us but like I’ve said, we’re all in this together, he continues in that roundabout manner I’ve grown accustomed to, just waiting for him to drop the bomb. You beat yourself up about it but you need us, he says in all sincerity. That had been his main point, his final stand. Yoochun had his pride, and I had mine. I would never put you in the line of fire if I didn’t have to, I say, my tone bordering on indignant. Yoochun sighs, an exhalation I’ve heard one too often. We may not see eye to eye, hyung, but if you were in my shoes, wouldn’t you have done the same? I squint at the sun, still reluctant to accept his rationale, and then I place an arm around his shoulder and murmur: Alright, you win.

The highway dips leftward, along a series of curves. Without the mobility of a vehicle, we had trouble catching up with time, but no difficulty maneuvering. We encountered zombies in small numbers, and the occasional laggard. Our new friends proved to be efficient exterminators, natural-born hunters with a sharp eye for aiming and excellent motor skills. We picked up lessons from them, learnt that a bullet to the heart was as effective as a bullet to the head. I still prefer head-shots, Junsu had said, mostly to cover up the fact that he couldn’t distinguish between left and right from mirror image. Feel the recoil, Jay would repeat consecutively during training sessions, until a succession of shots felt like instinct, until we had perfect aim. By the end of a week, Junsu had come in as top-scorer within the group, apparently Sniper-level according to Chansung. Jaejoong and I were sharp-shooters, whereas Yoochun and Changmin had had enough of the competition. Good job, Wooyoung commends as we put down our weapons at the end of every day. You guys are hunters in the making.

We distribute dried mangoes around the campfire, trading jokes above the cinders. The nights were getting colder, and we had two options. Freeze in the cold, or face a potential zombie attack. We chose the latter. Besides, Junsu had been whining about wanting to shoot something. Dude my mango! Wooyoung snaps abruptly, his hands grabbing at thin air. Chansung snorts, lifting the packet of dried goods higher out of reach until Wooyoung resorts to thrashing him. Remind you of someone? Jaejoong kids. Actually, I say, reminds me of two. Jaejoong glances at Changmin and Junsu and smiles, face glowing. Changmin grimaces in response. Don’t associate me with Junsu, he protests. Across the bonfire, Jay burps and cusses. I bathe in the bliss of the moment-plain yet laced with hardship-one of its rare occasions. We suffer to learn satisfaction, as if joy must be taught a lesson for its misbehavior. The bicker of familiar voices slices the tranquil; Changmin and Junsu. I humor myself at the revelation. Too much peace, and life could get boring.

He gets up earlier than the sun. I used to sleep till noon, Jay grumbles, but now I’m their damn alarm clock. I nod agreeably. Before this, we had all been different people. He makes the morning rounds, waking his boys amidst groans and complaints. We’ll have to separate at the bridge, Jay announces. I’ll show you which way to go when we get there. I collect my stuff, urging the rest of my members to re-group. Friends come and go, and this time was no exception. We start the trudge forward, eyes barely open. Jaejoong shepherds Changmin to the front of the group-he never allowed the youngest to trail behind where anything could snatch him from us. He treats me as if I’m his son, Changmin mumbles irritably as he falls in line with me. He watched you grow up, I explain. And he’ll probably watch me die, Changmin reasons, fixing his gaze on the ground. He frowns, conflict warring within, and understandably so, for he was still young and afraid. Uncertain of the future. He won’t, I assure him. If it’s the last thing he’ll do.

We reach the intersection easily with half a day left to spare. Go straight and look out for the military signs, Jay orders, unpacking his weapons. Why won’t the rest of you come? Yoochun asks, quick to persuade. We’re hunters, Chansung reminds him. We’re not looking for safety. I offer them my handshake and gratitude. They’d taught us more than we’d bargained for. Jay orders his group to spread out, shooing us off in the process. He and his men were going to take out as many zombies as they possibly could to ensure that any monster within a seventy-mile radius would be eliminated. The five of us jog down the lane, waving our final goodbyes. We’ll kill those bastards, he shouts as a farewell, all the while beaming from ear to ear. I’ll never forget the exhilaration written on his face, how he derived pleasure from battle. The banging and loud shouts begin after we’ve gotten to a safe distance, attracting the attention of the dead. The thunder of running feet shakes the ground-monsters come out of hiding for fresh meat, drawn by their catcalls. Yoochun mumbles a prayer. Jaejoong closes his eyes. Storm’s coming, I could almost hear them say.

#6 don’t play the hero

Abyss. We’ve reached the abyss. The streets to safety had been stripped bare of human inhabitants. All but the zombies. We must be the last of the lot heading for quarantine. The pilot had been right. Assuming that the crowd had amassed around the city waiting to enter the safe zone, the virus could’ve infected a large number of them. Where humans went, the disease followed. Chances were the path onward would be crawling with man-eaters. Where’s that damn bridge, Yoochun curses. Where there’s water, Junsu smart-mouths. Changmin pauses mid-step. It makes sense, hyung. There’s a military precinct in this area, and to get to it we have to cross - A bridge, Junsu fills in. What better way to prevent invasion than with the use of a moat. Zombies couldn’t swim-it was like expecting rotten meat to float. We huddle in a circle, eyes peeled for military signs and danger. The more the zombies, the closer we are, Jaejoong mentions somberly. These creatures rarely traveled far from where they’ve turned. He’d made a disturbing point.

They can probably smell us, Yoochun says. We’re like blood to a vampire. I make a mental map of our surroundings. A mini-mart at the bend, equipment stores, residences. Nothing out of the ordinary, except for the zombies at every corner. Just don’t make any loud noises. If we start shooting, more of them will come, I say. Jay had taught us that they responded aggressively to sound as well as scent. Do we not have a plan or do we not, Junsu pipes, assessing the situation and finding no mirth in our suicide attempt. If we can activate an alarm in one of these cars we could draw their attention away from us. Cover me, I tell the rest, searching for cars parked by the side. The alarm shrills once I smash in the windows. A few of the monsters advance, driven mad by the sound. Jaejoong takes down the first zombie that sprints towards me. The gunfire attracts more of them, they flock like moths to flame. Run! I yell, gesturing for the group to take the unobstructed path. I sneak behind vehicles and living dead, smelling the stink of their degradation. It churns in my belly, the thought that these were once people.

Hyung! Junsu shouts. I race toward them, away from the mass of writhing creatures, pushing and tearing through metal and anything they can get their fingers on. Lucky for us they’re dumb, Yoochun kids, wry smile. He couldn’t be more wrong. We spot the bridge, a short suspension over a deep river up ahead. Beyond that, huge spotlights and military posts. Before that, a stampede of starved zombies, charging in our direction from everywhere. Too many that all the bullets in the world couldn’t have kept us out of their claws. Changmin’s gun runs empty. Jaejoong’s next. Shit, we’re out! Yoochun barks, re-loading reserve ammo into the catch. The wave of zombies hit us like a flood, and we’re down fighting tooth and nail for survival. How do you prepare for the worst? How do you prepare for grief, or sadness? Or when the next attack hurtles itself in the form of a raving monster at our youngest-

Jaejoong flings himself across Changmin, knocking the zombie aside. It careens to the ground, but a thrashing arm catches hold of his leg, pulling him down together with it in the dust. He kicks in a frenzy, grappling against mindless strength. That’s when it brings its mouth to his thigh and sinks teeth into it, ripping flesh and arteries. The scream collects in the pit of my inner being, cramping like a vice around my heart, powerless. No, I choke, ramming against everything to get to him. Changmin roars with a violence that wrenches the sound indistinct, forcefully cracking the monster’s skull with his gun. He heaves Jaejoong upright, blood and soot marring his face. I’m okay, Jaejoong grits. For the next five minutes he will be. After that no one can tell. I can see from the look on his face that it hurts more than he’s showing. He gasps every breath as if it’s his last. Don’t do this, I beg, as if it’s his fault, as if he’s about to do me wrong. I’m sorry, he rasps, but I don’t think I can stand. They say it’s the shock that kills you, and it feels like he’d bleed himself dry on the steppe.

Junsu and Yoochun come running, forming a circle around their fallen team-mate. Hyung, we have to do something or we’ll lose him, Junsu pants, still gunning down zombies. I cringe inwardly, bending down to inspect the wound. There was no cure. No antidote. How much longer until he turned? Wait, Changmin interrupts. We’ve seen this before. The virus won’t spread as quickly if the bite isn’t close to the heart. I can remove it. He looks up at me, for all his intelligence failing to see the desperation that’s tearing me apart, waiting for an answer… If what Changmin says is true, we have no time to waste, Yoochun says, shaking me out of reverie. He sees my pain, and more than that he sees what I’d give to take his place on that floor. Jaejoong goes in and out of consciousness. This will scar, but you’ll be alright I promise, Changmin murmurs, removing his knife and burying it in Jaejoong’s thigh. The tortured whimper that escapes his mouth sears another burn in my chest. Another unbearable wound I cannot fix.

Fear has a heartbeat. It crouches and squeezes, does things to a man that won’t make him proud. I feared for his life. Changmin isolates the infected skin, slicing it off from the healthy flesh. It’s messy, unavoidable, the best he can offer. He’s losing too much blood, Changmin explains somberly, but there’s no risk of turning. He tightens the bandage around the limb, stopping the flow to an imperceptible leak. I’ll get you guys out of here, I swear with a ferocity that scares me. I’d kill anything that stood in their way. Yoochun and Junsu help Jaejoong up by the arms. His skin had bled white, and he could barely limp. Take him, I order, turning on the horde of zombies. Rage is a potent weapon. As crippling as any disease. As useful as any defense. I draw my knife and gash the throat of the nearest zombie attacker. I slash mercilessly until there’s not a zombie within a ten-meter circumference without a missing head or windpipe. Hyung! Changmin calls hysterically. He appeared distraught, frantic. And when my vision stops spinning I see the fire and the flames and the smoke of dashed hope. They’re burning the bridge.

#7 always keep the faith

After all that, now this. Where’re those choppers when you need them? Yoochun shouts to the heavens. The roar of fighter jets snatches half of his sentence. Full-fledged bombers, military assigned. Their approach reverberates through the ravine of our souls, shaking the ground with its rumble. Our eyes widen at the distant ricochet of rockets dropping out of the blue. The sky rips, shredded by a massive explosion-the aftermath of a bombing. They’re leveling the entire district, I realize in horror, mind wheeling. It was always easier to destroy everything and rebuild than to pick up the mess. They were planning to start from scratch. I look back and forth between the fire behind and the fire forward. We were trapped like sheep for slaughter. The heck! Yoochun cries. Are they gonna exterminate us too?! I look back at him helplessly. It’s useless, I think. They wouldn’t stop for anyone anymore-the sacrifice of a few for the greater good. Another bomb drops, whining excessively before making impact. This time too close for comfort. Run, I say. Get to the water.

His breathing sharpens. I’ll carry him, I tell Yoochun and Junsu, heaving Jaejoong on my back. Keep running and don’t look back. Changmin slows down to assist, but I push him to the front. Go with them, I pant, securing Jaejoong by the legs before breaking into a jog, trying to keep up. Leave me, Jaejoong gasps deliriously. He’s losing it, I think, gritting my teeth and quickening my pace. He repeats himself, this time firmly. You’re all I have, Jaejoongie. Don’t take that away from me, I plead. The trail narrows, just a little more to the river… Back there in that warehouse, you put yourself in danger to keep us safe, Jaejoong reasons. He coughs violently, every twitch of his muscle quivering against mine. His body was burning up. I wanted to protect all of you, I reply. A fool’s thought, because he had been the one who'd saved me. You’re not the only one who feels that way, Jaejoong says, the thinnest smile drawn across his complexion. If my hands weren’t around him, holding him, I’d have dried my eyes so he couldn’t see the tears. I’d give my life for you, I tell him despite the lodge in my throat. He loosens his grip around my shoulders. You’d have to give up me.

Is there such a thing as a greater death? Did it depend on the number of lives you saved? The number of people you left behind grieving? The bombs advance until we can almost feel the shrapnel lodge itself in our skin. Faster, I yell at the rest, my legs nearly giving up on me. Put me down, Jaejoong says, his voice softer than the shedding of leaves. Did he really think I’d leave him? Didn’t he know that I’d go down trying? The earth quakes forcefully, as if it meant to shake him out of my arms. I won’t let go-not if I can help it. Do you love me like you said you did? I ask, although each word is uttered with difficulty. Yes, he whispers, his voice quickly fading. Then don’t ask me to do something you wouldn’t, I say, hoisting him upward and making a final run. Another explosion, white-hot and seeping beneath our clothing. Debris and ash descend like rain. We’ll make it, I promise Jaejoong, ignoring the apprehension that creeps and tightens and strangles, so very much like disbelief.

I don’t see it when it happens, when the burning rafter crashes in front of me, lodged by two cars. The floor trembles, granite and concrete cracking, result of yet another detonation. It blocked our only exit, cutting us off from the rest of the team. I couldn’t get close enough or over it without getting singed. Changmin hollers over the scorching flames, we could hardly inhale without feeling faint from the toxic smoke. Keep going! I shout with my last remaining strength. I’ll make a detour, I think. I’ll climb over the cars, I’ll walk through the fire. But all I’d do is end up killing us before we can get to the other side. We knelt at the feet of destiny, and every minute detail pointed to certain death. The fighter jets zip above the sky, making a final turn before they leveled the ground we treaded on. We’re too late. The rockets blast, throwing me off balance as the heat flares, and then there are firm hands grabbing Jaejoong off me and over me from behind, rough words traded between two men as I’m dragged to my feet. Did we miss anything? Jay asks, wild laughter and bowed lips. He wraps me in heavy cloth and pushes me into the fire. Sometimes you can’t expect to save yourself.

We get to the other side safely, fighting for fresh air. I glance around only to find that the rest of my group hadn’t fled. They’d been fighting the flames with mini fire-extinguishers, courtesy of Wooyoung. Jaejoong, I blurt. He’s fine, Jay explains, my men have him. We hardly had seconds for a reunion. We had to keep moving. Every step felt like the floor was laded with mines. Inflate the rafts, Jay orders when we approach the river, ushering us into the water and atop one of the rubber dinghies. Taec and Chansung lift Jaejoong above the waves and into the raft beside me, careful to keep his wound from getting moist. Is he okay? Yoochun asks, bending over. Junsu brushes a hand against Jaejoong’s forehead, his brows knit together. Nothing a little rest won’t do, Jay offers, gunning the engine before the river bank erupts in earth and soil, and what could have been us… Jaejoong stirs, attempting to speak. Don’t talk, Changmin grunts, reaching for Jaejoong’s hand and squeezing in disapproval. Thank you, Jaejoong whispers hoarsely. Changmin flinches at the touching moment, but grins in spite of himself. Just returning the favor, he says.

The raft bobs from the collision of missile and target. We stare intently at the destruction, dark clouds of vapor and sky-eating flames. I shut my eyes in respite-in amazement at the impossibility. We'd made it... Civilization had seen enough for a lifetime. Cities had been razed, families had been ruined, lives had been lost. Yet the impossible made room for a miracle. We’d made it. We could never go back to what it was, but we could always start over. Jaejoong’s head lolls on my arm, and I resist the impulse to slide a hand along his jaw. Yoochun and Changmin swap furtive smiles, their usual amusement returning, reminiscent of old times. Five fighter jets flash across the horizon like a constellation of stars, on their way back to base camp. Five of them just like us. We dock at the shore, and a multitude of military-clad officers haul the others out of the water and Jaejoong onto a stretcher for medical attention. I help the rest of them climb out of the raft, watch them step foot on dry land, untouched land. And finally, I let them reach in to rescue me, like a captain who’s last to leave his sinking ship-barely breathing, the way survivors to a tragedy were robbed of speech, the way they swallowed tears of misery in exchange for relief. The way it made faith out of falling.

# author's note

I know it’s overly long and has so many gaps in the plot (feel free to assume) also lots of inconsistencies as I was in a rush to finish this-it’s been taking me too much time :( but please to remember #7! it’s pretty important in case of a zombie infestation (or a lawsuit ;D)