Here we go....time to push the envelope....
October 19, 2005...
I'm not in the best of moods, and I just feel weird. I've felt like this for awhile now. Every night actually...for the last THREE MONTHS. It's hard to go to sleep and it's hard to even think sometimes. I just feel so weird, so fucking weird. But it's hard to explain the feeling I feel...
I have a problem, a huge problem, but it's not a problem really...it's a thing. Let's put it that way, it's a thing i've been dealing with...
I'm gonna do something that has never been done before by me. I'm actually going to open up to the world. The whole world.
Here we go...
I met this girl named Amanda though a friend of mine. She is really cool and nice when I first meet her in person....but from there, something clicks inside me. I'm not really sure what it is, but something says go for it. So as time goes on. we have our ups and downs. But one day, I told her how I felt about her and she says ok. The next day, I ask her out, and she says yes. I WAS SO EXCITED (I felt like a little school girl, no joke). I was so excited that day. We hung out and I had so much fun. I thought about how she makes me feel, and I couldn't stop thinking about it. She made me feel...well fucking great. I was happy and I didn't have a care in the world that day. I thought it would last forever....but forever was only 4 days. The first day was great...then she didn't call, or talk to me for the other days. I felt weird somewhat. I said to myself that she is probrobly just busy. But then the fourth day came, and it all ended. It ended with her best friend telling me it's over between us. I was sad not only because it was over, but because she didn't do it herself. It was like getting hit with a brick. Then I stopped talking to her. I was so upset, but I couldn't stop liking her. I felt weird. But still I didn't talk to her. So I just tried to live my life...
So after awhile of not talking and still liking her, we talked again. She asked me if I wanted to hang out, and I said yes, but this time I was prepared for the worse. But us hanging out was fun. I got back that feeling I felt when we went out. But for some reason it was stronger. So I went with the feeling. That same night, we talked about "us" and what was going on. We decided to start over, and I went with it. And we hung out alot more. I walked from my house in the storm to her house. (4 miles, but I didn't care. And you know that's something, because everyone who knows me knows i'm lazy.) I didn't care because I wanted to be with her, just to even hang out with her, I wanted to be there. So then, when I thought I actually had another chance with the feelings I had, it was ended once again. Now this time i'm pissed because I didn't know what the fuck was going on. I felt like shit, but even worse. I hated her almost, but I couldn't. I didn't know why, but the more I was mad about it, the more I liked her, and I wasn't sure what was going on. But when I thought about it, I knew what it was. It was Love. My feelings for her were strong, but I was afraid to tell her...and afraid to lose her. But one day, when she was online and out of town, I confronted her about it all. I was mad at confused as shit, but I could feel the feelings inside. It was like a heart beating. And even though what I did by confronting her online and on vacation about it was selfish, I had to do it because for days, I played it off like nothing was wrong, and I couldn't do it anymore. So I apologized and things stopped somewhat...
To shorten up a long story, she went out with a friend of mine, and chose him over me. I was mad and upset and felt like shit for awhile, and honestly, I fully hated her. But that was the past, and unfortunately, for nice guys, it's hard to hate a person forever.
But let me get to the fucking point...(here comes the killer...)
Amanda, I know that you know how I feel about you somewhat, but you don't know it all. It's too much to explain. There are so many great things about you that I don't have the time to list them all. But I want you to know how I feel...I love you. No joke. I mean, I love you as a friend because you are like my best friend, and you have always been there for me when I really needed you, and that's why i'm so afraid to post this...even though I already did....because I don't want to lost our friendship. It means too much to me. But since day 1, I told Justin Mullins these exact words, "Bro, I got a weird feeling about her man, but it's a good feeling, a happy feeling." and he looked at me and said that I would have to give it my all, and he is right. I do have to give it my all. You are a tough cookie sometimes, but honestly, it's not that hard to get use to you. Shit, I did. I know i'm not made out of money and gold, and i'm not the perfect person, and i'm not the greatest friend always, but I want to make you happy, and I know I can. Not to sound cocky, or self-centered, but I know I can. I know you like being single and everything, and i'm not asking for you to go out with me right this second, or marry me or anything, but i'm asking for my chance. My chance that i've been waiting for for the last eight months, the chance to show you what i'm made of. Show you what i've got and what I can do. Honestly, I would KILL and DIE for you, that's how strong I feel (two things that my rules just don't play with). And Whether anything works out between us or not, I will always love you because you are my best friend and I can't NOT love my best friends.
Here I go, scream my lungs out and try to get to you
You are my only one
I'd let go, but there's just no one that gets me like you do
You are my only, my only one...
Wow, that took alot...
Maybe I'm just a Hopeless Romantic...
I need a cigarette...
I'm not in the best of moods, and I just feel weird. I've felt like this for awhile now. Every night actually...for the last THREE MONTHS. It's hard to go to sleep and it's hard to even think sometimes. I just feel so weird, so fucking weird. But it's hard to explain the feeling I feel...
I have a problem, a huge problem, but it's not a problem really...it's a thing. Let's put it that way, it's a thing i've been dealing with...
I'm gonna do something that has never been done before by me. I'm actually going to open up to the world. The whole world.
Here we go...
I met this girl named Amanda though a friend of mine. She is really cool and nice when I first meet her in person....but from there, something clicks inside me. I'm not really sure what it is, but something says go for it. So as time goes on. we have our ups and downs. But one day, I told her how I felt about her and she says ok. The next day, I ask her out, and she says yes. I WAS SO EXCITED (I felt like a little school girl, no joke). I was so excited that day. We hung out and I had so much fun. I thought about how she makes me feel, and I couldn't stop thinking about it. She made me feel...well fucking great. I was happy and I didn't have a care in the world that day. I thought it would last forever....but forever was only 4 days. The first day was great...then she didn't call, or talk to me for the other days. I felt weird somewhat. I said to myself that she is probrobly just busy. But then the fourth day came, and it all ended. It ended with her best friend telling me it's over between us. I was sad not only because it was over, but because she didn't do it herself. It was like getting hit with a brick. Then I stopped talking to her. I was so upset, but I couldn't stop liking her. I felt weird. But still I didn't talk to her. So I just tried to live my life...
So after awhile of not talking and still liking her, we talked again. She asked me if I wanted to hang out, and I said yes, but this time I was prepared for the worse. But us hanging out was fun. I got back that feeling I felt when we went out. But for some reason it was stronger. So I went with the feeling. That same night, we talked about "us" and what was going on. We decided to start over, and I went with it. And we hung out alot more. I walked from my house in the storm to her house. (4 miles, but I didn't care. And you know that's something, because everyone who knows me knows i'm lazy.) I didn't care because I wanted to be with her, just to even hang out with her, I wanted to be there. So then, when I thought I actually had another chance with the feelings I had, it was ended once again. Now this time i'm pissed because I didn't know what the fuck was going on. I felt like shit, but even worse. I hated her almost, but I couldn't. I didn't know why, but the more I was mad about it, the more I liked her, and I wasn't sure what was going on. But when I thought about it, I knew what it was. It was Love. My feelings for her were strong, but I was afraid to tell her...and afraid to lose her. But one day, when she was online and out of town, I confronted her about it all. I was mad at confused as shit, but I could feel the feelings inside. It was like a heart beating. And even though what I did by confronting her online and on vacation about it was selfish, I had to do it because for days, I played it off like nothing was wrong, and I couldn't do it anymore. So I apologized and things stopped somewhat...
To shorten up a long story, she went out with a friend of mine, and chose him over me. I was mad and upset and felt like shit for awhile, and honestly, I fully hated her. But that was the past, and unfortunately, for nice guys, it's hard to hate a person forever.
But let me get to the fucking point...(here comes the killer...)
Amanda, I know that you know how I feel about you somewhat, but you don't know it all. It's too much to explain. There are so many great things about you that I don't have the time to list them all. But I want you to know how I feel...I love you. No joke. I mean, I love you as a friend because you are like my best friend, and you have always been there for me when I really needed you, and that's why i'm so afraid to post this...even though I already did....because I don't want to lost our friendship. It means too much to me. But since day 1, I told Justin Mullins these exact words, "Bro, I got a weird feeling about her man, but it's a good feeling, a happy feeling." and he looked at me and said that I would have to give it my all, and he is right. I do have to give it my all. You are a tough cookie sometimes, but honestly, it's not that hard to get use to you. Shit, I did. I know i'm not made out of money and gold, and i'm not the perfect person, and i'm not the greatest friend always, but I want to make you happy, and I know I can. Not to sound cocky, or self-centered, but I know I can. I know you like being single and everything, and i'm not asking for you to go out with me right this second, or marry me or anything, but i'm asking for my chance. My chance that i've been waiting for for the last eight months, the chance to show you what i'm made of. Show you what i've got and what I can do. Honestly, I would KILL and DIE for you, that's how strong I feel (two things that my rules just don't play with). And Whether anything works out between us or not, I will always love you because you are my best friend and I can't NOT love my best friends.
Here I go, scream my lungs out and try to get to you
You are my only one
I'd let go, but there's just no one that gets me like you do
You are my only, my only one...
Wow, that took alot...
Maybe I'm just a Hopeless Romantic...
I need a cigarette...