People hurt others when they are themselves in pain.
I've said it so many times, but I will say it again, and again, and again, and will keep saying it until we people in the world learn to treat others in a way that reflects a deep understanding of the truth of this statement (which means, I will be saying it for the rest of my life, alas
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1) they knew their action would hurt the other person and, though they weren't particularly angry at that person, considered this an acceptable cost for whatever satisfaction they gained.
2) they didn't realize their action would hurt the other person.
For option 1, sometimes the only response is to hurt the other person back. Not out of vengeance, even, but because hurting the other person may be the only way to resolve the pain on one's own part -- for instance, I would cut off a friend who continuously hit on my boyfriend and refused to stop, not necessarily out of a desire for vengeance so much as because I couldn't continue to tolerate the way I felt when she did so.
And sometimes it's necessary to speak strongly, to phrase aggressively and possibly hurtfully, in order to get a point across about this. "You hurt me. I'm angry because you acted thoughtless, cruel, etc. It may hurt you to know that I think you're thoughtless and cruel, but I do, and I'll continue thinking that as long as you continue acting this way." I mean, ideally there should always be a way to get such a point across without being so aggressive and potentially hurtful, but sometimes there isn't.
For number 2, it's actually damaging to think that you've done something to hurt the other person. You haven't. They're just being thoughtless. Ideally, this one works out with the hurt party explaining that she was hurt and asking that the other party not do it again. If the hurt party goes in thinking, "I've done something bad, or else the other person wouldn't act this way," then they'll just mess everything up.
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