(no subject)
Expressing my feelings through writing has always seemed to help. This journal entry is going to be nothing but whats going on through my brain and heart: I have been hurt before, but this time the knife has gone into my heart, and twisted. For me everything could not have been better. I was the happiest I have ever been. I had everything that I ever wanted. A girl who was totally in love with me, and wanted to be with me for the rest of her life. Or so she said for the past year and nine months. I loved her with all that I had. Now I don't know what to do. Being in this town is driving me insane. All I do is sit at my computer and look at her screen name. There is nothing here for me anymore...but I just can't leave. I have wanted to be in the same town as her for so many months. I couldn't wait to graduate so I could move in with her. I resented myself because I didn't graduate earlier like I had planned. I resented Kalamazoo for trapping me there, when she was here. Now i'm here. Alone. I wanted to be here so bad, I looked so forward to graduation, that I can't get myself to leave. When you beat yourself up over and over again about something, and when it finally happens, and your life falls apart, it's hard to get yourself out. I went to Kalamazoo last night. I told myself when I Left, that I would never go back. Even though everything there reminded me of her, I had to go back. You see, 5 years ago, Kalamazoo saved me from a self destructive life I was living, so I had to go back one last time. And for that night, Kalamazoo saved me again. I have never felt more at home. All my friends were around me, and we were having fun. I won't ever move back there. That part of my life is behind me. But it was good to be back. Las Vegas seems to be my next stop in this train wreck of a life I live. I am scared shitless to move there. I don't know if I can say this enough, but I had looked so forward to a future with her. I couldn't wait for it to happen. November was when I was going to propose to her. I have never been in a relationship that went that far. I was in 100%, and everyday I was reassured that she was too. Maybe I'm too sentimental about everything, but that is how I am. I wear my heart on my sleeves. Every night I stay in this town i fall farther down in this bottomless pit. I miss her so much. You may think I'm pathetic, but I don't care what you think.
"I saw a star beneath the stairs glowing through the melting walls.
Who will be the first to begin their fall?
Or will we become one?
Am I the star beneath the stairs?
Am I a ghost upon the stage?
Am I your anything?
I saw a star beneath the stairs glowing bright before descent
and in the morning there is nothing left but what's inside of me.
Am I the star beneath the stairs?
Am I a ghost upon the stage?
Am I your anything?
Am I the star beneath the stairs?
Am I a ghost upon the stage?
Am I your anything?
And I don't want to die tonight; Will you believe in me?
And I don't want to fall into the light.
Will you wish upon?
Will you walk upon me?
I don't want to die tonight.
Will you believe in me tonight.
Am I the star beneath the stairs?
Am I a ghost upon the stage?
Am I your anything?
Am I the star beneath the stairs?
Am I a ghost upon the stage?
Am I your anything?"
"I saw a star beneath the stairs glowing through the melting walls.
Who will be the first to begin their fall?
Or will we become one?
Am I the star beneath the stairs?
Am I a ghost upon the stage?
Am I your anything?
I saw a star beneath the stairs glowing bright before descent
and in the morning there is nothing left but what's inside of me.
Am I the star beneath the stairs?
Am I a ghost upon the stage?
Am I your anything?
Am I the star beneath the stairs?
Am I a ghost upon the stage?
Am I your anything?
And I don't want to die tonight; Will you believe in me?
And I don't want to fall into the light.
Will you wish upon?
Will you walk upon me?
I don't want to die tonight.
Will you believe in me tonight.
Am I the star beneath the stairs?
Am I a ghost upon the stage?
Am I your anything?
Am I the star beneath the stairs?
Am I a ghost upon the stage?
Am I your anything?"