Thoughts concerning my gender
I have roamed this topic for a while now, and everyday I would ask myself what do I exactly want to do with my life.
I don't know if I should about it since no one would actually listen to me, but oh well, this is my jounal, right?
You might ask to yourselves: "Why does this matter suddenly becomes so popular?" and I totally understand your feelings, people change and become more confident in daring to say they were born in the wrong body. And no, I am not saying this because I am a die-hard yaoi fan who wants to yaoi other people.
I just son't feel like I am a full woman right now, and the simple thought I am still in the process of growing up, and that my body hasn't fully developed yet just makes things worse. I don't know what I really want to do with my life and I would often face idntity crisis.
I hate those. That's from the worst thing you can get through. There are even worse things, but don't knowing what are you? Qustioning everything you always believed in?
Thinking no one is by your side or would understand you is hard.
But I just don't know what I am. A boy with a womb instead of a dick? A boy traped within a girl body? Or just a ridiculously tomboy-ish girl?
I don't like my body, it's incredibly skinny in some parts, and in other ones it will be so damn fine and some other would be as fat and ugly as fuck.
I don't like my face, it makes me look like some sort of androgynous thingand people find it hard to guess what am I since my female parts are not fully developed yet.
But then again, this doctor tells me I am no longer producing female hormones, but mostly male ones, that's why my period is delayed and my breasts are no longer growing up, and that's why I don't have curves.
So what does that make me? A horrible as fuck freak that used to produce female hormones but eventually stopped and started producing male ones? Does that even make sense?
I can bet I will soon grow abs and a six fuxking pack because of those god damn hormones and then the doctor will say I just am a new sex type or something?
Like
will I ever be able to bear babies? Or will all of them be miscarriages because I would be unable to have some living thing within me?
Would someone ever love a freak that used to be a girl but then started producing male hormones?
Or it would be like "U cannot have babyz, so I quit"
what the fuck am I?
A fucking androgynous freak, Azu, that's what you are.