(no subject)
It's dark in this house now. I guess literally it is almost 2:00 AM and I'm the only one up, the computer moniter producing the only source of light, lightly reflecting off of a tv and Shelby's big brown eyes. More than that, it feels...empty.
It's been four months since my dad was living in the house long-term, if we don't include the 15 days (total) that he was here from August to November.
It happened the other night.
I got to the Hospice, after a brief stint at UM-F to see his office one last time when it was still his, to see that my mom, sister and Aunt Edie were already there. Logan was off at VG's helping my grandma get some stuff for Thanksgiving. I hugged my mom, and stayed in there a for a bit while she slept and Maddy did her homework. My mom hugged me and there seemed to be a light in her eye then. Made me smile. I glanced over, and saw eyes briefly open for a second and look at me. I stayed in the room for a bit, then truged on down to the lounge to read and eat. Needed a breather for a second.
Mar, Moj, Ruth & Mike came in and sat with me, and then a few other people showed up (including a 7 week-old puppy), and things seemed normal....ish.
I stayed for a bit longer, and from there decided to leave with Mar. She drove with me. It was nice not being alone.
Home, watching the Obama interview, I heard pounding at the door. I figured it was Logan who didn't want to use his key, and would just take a second getting in. The pounding persisted. I went and let Ruth in.
Anxiety, shock, sadness was radiating from her. It was border-line toxic, and seemed out of no where.
Logan then walked in.
She wanted to speak with us.
Told us.
10:41 at Belsy Road.
Hugging mom & Mads.
Crying.
Hugging Edie. LaVerne. Family. Friends.
And now I wear his St. George around my neck. I have always loved it. My hero slaying the dragon. My dad, helping me through my panic attacks, my coming out, school, or just life. Slaying my dragons turned into slaying with me, teaching me how to calm the fires that threatened me, into, far too abruptly and far too soon, me slaying them on my own.
You taught me so much.
Who will comfort me when the panic comes for me?
I wont let the fires take me. I love you.
It's been four months since my dad was living in the house long-term, if we don't include the 15 days (total) that he was here from August to November.
It happened the other night.
I got to the Hospice, after a brief stint at UM-F to see his office one last time when it was still his, to see that my mom, sister and Aunt Edie were already there. Logan was off at VG's helping my grandma get some stuff for Thanksgiving. I hugged my mom, and stayed in there a for a bit while she slept and Maddy did her homework. My mom hugged me and there seemed to be a light in her eye then. Made me smile. I glanced over, and saw eyes briefly open for a second and look at me. I stayed in the room for a bit, then truged on down to the lounge to read and eat. Needed a breather for a second.
Mar, Moj, Ruth & Mike came in and sat with me, and then a few other people showed up (including a 7 week-old puppy), and things seemed normal....ish.
I stayed for a bit longer, and from there decided to leave with Mar. She drove with me. It was nice not being alone.
Home, watching the Obama interview, I heard pounding at the door. I figured it was Logan who didn't want to use his key, and would just take a second getting in. The pounding persisted. I went and let Ruth in.
Anxiety, shock, sadness was radiating from her. It was border-line toxic, and seemed out of no where.
Logan then walked in.
She wanted to speak with us.
Told us.
10:41 at Belsy Road.
Hugging mom & Mads.
Crying.
Hugging Edie. LaVerne. Family. Friends.
And now I wear his St. George around my neck. I have always loved it. My hero slaying the dragon. My dad, helping me through my panic attacks, my coming out, school, or just life. Slaying my dragons turned into slaying with me, teaching me how to calm the fires that threatened me, into, far too abruptly and far too soon, me slaying them on my own.
You taught me so much.
Who will comfort me when the panic comes for me?
I wont let the fires take me. I love you.