Once Upon A Time 1-1: Pilot
The holidays are upon us once again, but I can't get all that excited thanks to a court order that prohibits me from owning or discharging a laser cannon. This pretty much ruins what I had planned for Christmas. We did the zombie apocalypse thing last year, so that's pretty much out. So, I've decided to transport the entire northern half of the state into the netherworld, Silent Hill-style baby. I'm sure that nothing could possible go wrong with this brilliant plan.
In the meantime, I'm stuck inside for a while, what with the demons and killer nurses running around. So, while we wait for Santa to bring on the acopalypse, let's enjoy some episodes of a the television drama in which your least favorite characters are awesome and your beloved childhood favorite are complete and total morons. It's time to watch Once Upon a Time.
According to Netflix, the first episode is the series is titled "Pilot" because I guess they never got around to giving it name after the series got picked up. There are few little details that suggest that this thing was filmed before the writers got around to planning out the rest of the series. For example, Snow White claims that the queen gave her a poison apple because she thought Snow was prettier than her. Not in this show's cannon she didn't, because, as mentioned before, your least favorite characters are awesome now. Luckily, the removal of the petty female jealousy motivation is a major plus for the series.
Our story opens with text informing us that fairytale characters are trapped with their happy endings stolen, because we all know that living in an adorable, seaside town in Maine would be the worst thing that could possibly happen to you. Sucks to be them. In the following scene, Prince Charming wakes Snow White, sending out a wave of magic that doesn't actually do much of anything else. It's very Disney-ish but in a good way. Also, this thing reminds me of the Tenth Kingdom from back when people watching TV miniseries. We segue to Snow's wedding and she is in some giant feather-duster dress. The festivities are interrupted by the queen who is here to let everyone know that she is going to do something horrible... later. Well, good luck with that, and thanks for dropping by. I love how the queen gets this Jaws-theme music, like she's going to eat these people.
Back in the real world, a kid we don't know yet is going somewhere and he has a book. Elsewhere, Emma Swan is dressed up all sexy for a date with a douchebag. It's her birthday and she's an orphan and she is playing the douchebag. Emma is smart enough to have put a boot on his car, so he's going nowhere. Also, poor Emma is all sad and grumpy because she's an orphan. I'm sure that this won't be for plot convenience AT ALL. Once Emma is back home with her single cupcake of sorrow and regret, the doorbell rings and its the kid from before. He's Emma's son and they're off to Storybrooke Maine, the quaintest ever Hell on Earth, to return Henry to his adoptive family (note- I hate to qualify "family" here because he's going home to his real family, as opposed to Emma who is a total stranger.)
Back in Fairyland, Snow is flipping out because the queen said she might do something maybe at a later time. Prince Charming tries to talk sense (seriously, I think his point that the queen is just screwing with her is pretty valid) but Snow insists on seeing some guy who knows the future because that always turns out well. The guy turns out to be Rumpelstilskin (their spelling, not mine) and he is wearing more body glitter than Edward Cullen and has the worst dental plan ever. In return for the name of Snow's unborn child, Rumpel tells them that will indeed br cursed to a horrifying life of lobster rolls and knitted hats. They know it's true because Rumpel has creepy contacts. He tells them that Snow's child can save them and Snow reveals that her daughter's name will be "Emma" in case we are so stupid that we didn't connect the dots and thought that Emma was just some random chick.
In Storybrooke we meet Henry's shrink and his dog, Pongo which means that we are definitely in the Disneyverse where all things Disney are a go. Henry explains that everyone in town is a fairytale character, and his shrink is actually Jiminy Cricket. They don't know who they really are and they can't leave town. Emma isn't buying. Also, the town clock is stuck at 8:15 and I want to make some sort of Back to the Future reference. Let's all pretend that I did and it was brilliant.
Back in Fairyland, CGI Jiminy Cricket repeats almost the exact same line that we just heard from Storybrooke "Jiminy" because, we're stupid and won't make the connection unless we're told and then shown. Okay, I do understand that this is a Pilot and it's made for network execs who have lower than average intelligence and assume that their target audience are drooling, lobotomized Neanderthals. I get it. I just feel like repeated lines and catchphrases are a gimmick that goes from clever to cloying to annoying at a pretty rapid pace. Much like title-dropping in a novel, it's a device that wore out its welcome back in Twilight, so I'd really prefer that they didn't use it unless there's a reason. Let's face it, it's not a mystery when you just told us the solution.
Moving on, the Fairyland war council of characters you haven't met yet and don't care about is interrupted by the arrival of SATAN IN A TUTU AND STRIPPER HEELS. Ladies and gentlemen, behold the incarnation of pure evil otherwise known as the Blue Fairy. This woman only exists to fuck with people. Seriously. This time around, she has a giant, enchanted tree that can be fashioned into a wardrobe that will teleport one person out of Fairyland, BWAHAHAHAHA!!!!! Pinochhio and Gepetto will build it and then Snow will be tranported away in it with her unborn child. Oh, I'm sure this will work out just great, because who wouldn't trust a woman in stripper heels and a tutu with streamers on it? She's like some sort of human jellyfish from Hades with the soul of GLaDOS. Don't beleive me? Just wait.
Returning to Storbrooke, Henry doesn't want to go home but Emma is dropping him off anyway. He claims that his mother is evil, and wouldn't you know that she is our old friend, the evil queen. Henry runs inside, saying that Emma is his "real mom" which may well be the meanest thing you could possibly say. When our heroes aren't being idiots, they are the biggest jerks you will ever meet. Emma and Regina sit down for some apple cider and discuss back story. Emma gave Henry up for adoption, didn't want contact and the father is not in the picture at all. Regina doesn't know about the story book and she's also the mayor because if I was cursing people, I'd totally give myself a stressful public service job and instead of just being rich and playing Xbox Kinnect all day long.
In Fairyland, Snow has concerns about being gone for 28 years but they are cut short by the beggining of her labor. Well, that problem is solved. Meanwhile, the curse is here. I guess you should have just jumped into the wardrobe instead of whining about it, huh, Snow.
In Storybrooke, Emma has crashed her car after seeing a wolf in the road. She awakens in jail in a cell next to Grumpy aka Leroy. Regina arrives to tell us that Henry has disappeared again. Emma uses her bail bondsman skills to find out that Henry searched for her online using a credit card that belonged to Mary Margaret Blanchard, his teacher. The scene changes to Henry's classroom where we see that Mary Margaret is Snow White. Mary Marg is pretty amazingly okay about her credit card being stolen. Isn't she supposed to be poor? Wouldn't this freak her out a little more? She reveals that she was the one who gave Henry the book of doom. She tells Emma where to look for Henry.
Snow is having her baby as all hell breaks loose. Charming takes the baby to the wardrobe as the queen's guards invade the castle. He is a badass, with a sword in one hand and baby in the other. Sadly, he gets stabbed but he still manages to get Emma into the wardrobe. It's a tense scene because we haven't met him in Storybrooke and there's a possibility that he might actually get killed.
Emma finds Henry and returns his story book. Henry is still waiting for things to change but it hasn't happened yet. He explains that he understands why Emma gave him away and we get a line drop that if actually very effective. Henry is repeating one of Snow's lines that he read in the book, and he's also correct about Emma's motives. This is how to do a line drop well. Emma explains what a horrible time she had in the foster system because adorable, blonde, healthy, white infants have such a rough time getting adopted these days. Emma still isn't going to stick around because she's just too tormented and angsty. She's bringing Henry back YET AGAIN.
Snow cries over Charming's not moving body while Regina gloats. We hear that her head guard has the voice of Storybrooke's Sherrif Graham. The curse takes effect, bringing them all to someplace "horrible, absolutely horrible!" Oh the horrors of boats and seagulls and adorable town squares!
In Storybrooke, Regina is doing what everyone around here does. She is dicking with someone for no reason. This time, she's bitching out Emma, so that instead of leaving, Emma decides to stay. This is an important lesson for any of you who are planning a career in evil. Don't goad the hero into being heroic by dicking with them. Just say it was great to meet them and let it go. Jeez. Regina stares into her Federal style mirror, while Snow drops off flowers for a John Doe coma patient who happens to be Charming and the music of epic romance plays. Emma heads over to Granny's to get a room where she meet Mr. Gold, aka Rumpelstilskin, who cannot resist repeating Emma's name meaningfully so that we know he must still have some memories. As Emma takes her room key, the clock in the town square starts to move and Henry watches from his window with a smile.
Well, I hear sirens and the walls are bleeding, so it's time to give things a rest here while I look around for some more health drinks because I totally trust drinks from the netherworld. Join us next time as Regina pisses Emma off some more because it worked so well the last time, and Rumpel drops more hints to Regina because sabotaging yourself is so worth it for the sake of dicking people around.
In the meantime, I'm stuck inside for a while, what with the demons and killer nurses running around. So, while we wait for Santa to bring on the acopalypse, let's enjoy some episodes of a the television drama in which your least favorite characters are awesome and your beloved childhood favorite are complete and total morons. It's time to watch Once Upon a Time.
According to Netflix, the first episode is the series is titled "Pilot" because I guess they never got around to giving it name after the series got picked up. There are few little details that suggest that this thing was filmed before the writers got around to planning out the rest of the series. For example, Snow White claims that the queen gave her a poison apple because she thought Snow was prettier than her. Not in this show's cannon she didn't, because, as mentioned before, your least favorite characters are awesome now. Luckily, the removal of the petty female jealousy motivation is a major plus for the series.
Our story opens with text informing us that fairytale characters are trapped with their happy endings stolen, because we all know that living in an adorable, seaside town in Maine would be the worst thing that could possibly happen to you. Sucks to be them. In the following scene, Prince Charming wakes Snow White, sending out a wave of magic that doesn't actually do much of anything else. It's very Disney-ish but in a good way. Also, this thing reminds me of the Tenth Kingdom from back when people watching TV miniseries. We segue to Snow's wedding and she is in some giant feather-duster dress. The festivities are interrupted by the queen who is here to let everyone know that she is going to do something horrible... later. Well, good luck with that, and thanks for dropping by. I love how the queen gets this Jaws-theme music, like she's going to eat these people.
Back in the real world, a kid we don't know yet is going somewhere and he has a book. Elsewhere, Emma Swan is dressed up all sexy for a date with a douchebag. It's her birthday and she's an orphan and she is playing the douchebag. Emma is smart enough to have put a boot on his car, so he's going nowhere. Also, poor Emma is all sad and grumpy because she's an orphan. I'm sure that this won't be for plot convenience AT ALL. Once Emma is back home with her single cupcake of sorrow and regret, the doorbell rings and its the kid from before. He's Emma's son and they're off to Storybrooke Maine, the quaintest ever Hell on Earth, to return Henry to his adoptive family (note- I hate to qualify "family" here because he's going home to his real family, as opposed to Emma who is a total stranger.)
Back in Fairyland, Snow is flipping out because the queen said she might do something maybe at a later time. Prince Charming tries to talk sense (seriously, I think his point that the queen is just screwing with her is pretty valid) but Snow insists on seeing some guy who knows the future because that always turns out well. The guy turns out to be Rumpelstilskin (their spelling, not mine) and he is wearing more body glitter than Edward Cullen and has the worst dental plan ever. In return for the name of Snow's unborn child, Rumpel tells them that will indeed br cursed to a horrifying life of lobster rolls and knitted hats. They know it's true because Rumpel has creepy contacts. He tells them that Snow's child can save them and Snow reveals that her daughter's name will be "Emma" in case we are so stupid that we didn't connect the dots and thought that Emma was just some random chick.
In Storybrooke we meet Henry's shrink and his dog, Pongo which means that we are definitely in the Disneyverse where all things Disney are a go. Henry explains that everyone in town is a fairytale character, and his shrink is actually Jiminy Cricket. They don't know who they really are and they can't leave town. Emma isn't buying. Also, the town clock is stuck at 8:15 and I want to make some sort of Back to the Future reference. Let's all pretend that I did and it was brilliant.
Back in Fairyland, CGI Jiminy Cricket repeats almost the exact same line that we just heard from Storybrooke "Jiminy" because, we're stupid and won't make the connection unless we're told and then shown. Okay, I do understand that this is a Pilot and it's made for network execs who have lower than average intelligence and assume that their target audience are drooling, lobotomized Neanderthals. I get it. I just feel like repeated lines and catchphrases are a gimmick that goes from clever to cloying to annoying at a pretty rapid pace. Much like title-dropping in a novel, it's a device that wore out its welcome back in Twilight, so I'd really prefer that they didn't use it unless there's a reason. Let's face it, it's not a mystery when you just told us the solution.
Moving on, the Fairyland war council of characters you haven't met yet and don't care about is interrupted by the arrival of SATAN IN A TUTU AND STRIPPER HEELS. Ladies and gentlemen, behold the incarnation of pure evil otherwise known as the Blue Fairy. This woman only exists to fuck with people. Seriously. This time around, she has a giant, enchanted tree that can be fashioned into a wardrobe that will teleport one person out of Fairyland, BWAHAHAHAHA!!!!! Pinochhio and Gepetto will build it and then Snow will be tranported away in it with her unborn child. Oh, I'm sure this will work out just great, because who wouldn't trust a woman in stripper heels and a tutu with streamers on it? She's like some sort of human jellyfish from Hades with the soul of GLaDOS. Don't beleive me? Just wait.
Returning to Storbrooke, Henry doesn't want to go home but Emma is dropping him off anyway. He claims that his mother is evil, and wouldn't you know that she is our old friend, the evil queen. Henry runs inside, saying that Emma is his "real mom" which may well be the meanest thing you could possibly say. When our heroes aren't being idiots, they are the biggest jerks you will ever meet. Emma and Regina sit down for some apple cider and discuss back story. Emma gave Henry up for adoption, didn't want contact and the father is not in the picture at all. Regina doesn't know about the story book and she's also the mayor because if I was cursing people, I'd totally give myself a stressful public service job and instead of just being rich and playing Xbox Kinnect all day long.
In Fairyland, Snow has concerns about being gone for 28 years but they are cut short by the beggining of her labor. Well, that problem is solved. Meanwhile, the curse is here. I guess you should have just jumped into the wardrobe instead of whining about it, huh, Snow.
In Storybrooke, Emma has crashed her car after seeing a wolf in the road. She awakens in jail in a cell next to Grumpy aka Leroy. Regina arrives to tell us that Henry has disappeared again. Emma uses her bail bondsman skills to find out that Henry searched for her online using a credit card that belonged to Mary Margaret Blanchard, his teacher. The scene changes to Henry's classroom where we see that Mary Margaret is Snow White. Mary Marg is pretty amazingly okay about her credit card being stolen. Isn't she supposed to be poor? Wouldn't this freak her out a little more? She reveals that she was the one who gave Henry the book of doom. She tells Emma where to look for Henry.
Snow is having her baby as all hell breaks loose. Charming takes the baby to the wardrobe as the queen's guards invade the castle. He is a badass, with a sword in one hand and baby in the other. Sadly, he gets stabbed but he still manages to get Emma into the wardrobe. It's a tense scene because we haven't met him in Storybrooke and there's a possibility that he might actually get killed.
Emma finds Henry and returns his story book. Henry is still waiting for things to change but it hasn't happened yet. He explains that he understands why Emma gave him away and we get a line drop that if actually very effective. Henry is repeating one of Snow's lines that he read in the book, and he's also correct about Emma's motives. This is how to do a line drop well. Emma explains what a horrible time she had in the foster system because adorable, blonde, healthy, white infants have such a rough time getting adopted these days. Emma still isn't going to stick around because she's just too tormented and angsty. She's bringing Henry back YET AGAIN.
Snow cries over Charming's not moving body while Regina gloats. We hear that her head guard has the voice of Storybrooke's Sherrif Graham. The curse takes effect, bringing them all to someplace "horrible, absolutely horrible!" Oh the horrors of boats and seagulls and adorable town squares!
In Storybrooke, Regina is doing what everyone around here does. She is dicking with someone for no reason. This time, she's bitching out Emma, so that instead of leaving, Emma decides to stay. This is an important lesson for any of you who are planning a career in evil. Don't goad the hero into being heroic by dicking with them. Just say it was great to meet them and let it go. Jeez. Regina stares into her Federal style mirror, while Snow drops off flowers for a John Doe coma patient who happens to be Charming and the music of epic romance plays. Emma heads over to Granny's to get a room where she meet Mr. Gold, aka Rumpelstilskin, who cannot resist repeating Emma's name meaningfully so that we know he must still have some memories. As Emma takes her room key, the clock in the town square starts to move and Henry watches from his window with a smile.
Well, I hear sirens and the walls are bleeding, so it's time to give things a rest here while I look around for some more health drinks because I totally trust drinks from the netherworld. Join us next time as Regina pisses Emma off some more because it worked so well the last time, and Rumpel drops more hints to Regina because sabotaging yourself is so worth it for the sake of dicking people around.