Fifty Shades Fried: Prologue- Chapter 4
Back when I embarked on this adventure, I told myself that I would treat these books as an extended scene that had been agreed upon by all the participants. At the time, I was under the impression that these books were what they had been advertised to be- a BDSM romance that had been written as a Twilight fanfic. Unfortunately, these books are nothing of the kind. They are fantasy about wealth, priviliege and social status. It is the Cinderella story, only this time around Cinderella isn't a kind girl whose inner beauty is reflected in her outer beauty. This time, Cinderella is twice as mean as her stepsisters, treats them like garbage and gets away with it. Our protagonist has consented to this fantasy, but I, the reader, did not.
Still, I started this so I might as well finish it. My impression of the third book so far is that it reads like an afterthought. It is also the worst in the series so far. Ana has now dropped all pretense of being anything other than a shallow golddigger while Christian no longer makes any effort to reign in his hair-trigger crazy. Basically, this is your typical horrible marriage between two people who don't have the slightest scrap of emotional connection, but as long as they can distract themselves with money and sex, it will all be okay. I have begun pretending that it is set in 2007, just before the bottom drops out and that there's an epilogue where Christian goes bankrupt, Ana leaves him and this material has been published in the wake of his murder-suicide by woodchipper as a cautionary tale.
We begin with a third person prologue where Christian dreams about his dead mom. If there was some sort of mystery about his mom or some kind of effort made to come to terms with her life and death, this might matter. There isn't, so it's just a waste of time. It's Ana acting like every other abused woman and making excuses for her partner. Having been there, I'll let you in on a secret- this isn't something that just happens, you know what's going on and you choose to come up with reasons to stick around. In Ana's case, we can say that Christian has proven over and over that he can track her down and control her life, so she doesn't have a lot choice here... but this is supposed to be a FANTASY it should be FUN and this is NOT FUN. If the best that can dream of is our abuser having a legit excuse, it is a saddening reflection of our society.
By the way, I am using chapter notes that I made while attempting to drink myself to death on cheap booze at the local Chili's. As I am still here, we can assume that, when it comes to alcohol poisoning, I am doing it wrong. So, chapter one jumps back and forth between the honeymoon and the wedding. It is unclear whether we're seeing flashbacks or memories or a dream. I'm not sure the author even knows. It reminds me of the tour in Catching Fire where we leap ahead in time and then are told "Also, these extremely important events happened that I didn't bother to tell you about but I'm mentioning it now because I can't be bothered to go back and edit." For me, this book is really showing it's fanfic roots. In fanfic, we often publish chapter by chapter, so it isn't possible to go back and edit when we need to make changes. That's how this feels. "Oops, I forgot that the wedding is important. I'll just add in a flashback." I think my favorite is Christian dragging Ana to the airport in her wedding dress because he wants to strip it off her and it's just so damn awkward. I'd also like to point out that writing a flashback in the present tense is really problematic. If it's a memory, then it should be in past tense. Anyway, Ana is apparently dreaming and somehow has her top off which sends Christian into a rage fit.
I'm just going to point out that Christian is deep into the devaluation phase of the relationship. Ana is now his property and he loves her like he loves his boat and his big screen TV. When she doesn't behave as he imagines she should, he flips out because boats don't have free will and feelings. I am not the biggest fan of Edward Cullen, but I don't remember him screaming at Bella and calling her names. I just don't get how this is supposed to be a romantic fantasy. Does anyone fantasize about having to walk on eggshells and taking blame for their abuser's crazy?
So, Christian drags Ana and his entourage onto his jetski and goes tearing off even before she's really settled. Yep, he's just gotta keep her safe because no one is going to wreck Christian's boat but Christian! Ana decides that Christian's smug expression is cute. Yeah, keep telling yourself that. But hey, it's all good because she can gloat about how rich she is now. She flashbacks to Christian's rage fit over the suggestion of getting a pre-nup. They don't need a pre-nup because he's threatening that he will end his life if she leaves him. Besides, if she does try to leave him, she'll be doing it in a body bag. This is not a case of "I trust you and I know you'd never take advantage of me" this is "There will be scorched fucking earth if you even think about leaving me." Seriously, rage fits are not sexy. They are threatening. They are unpleasant. They are also boring as hell when you realize that you're dealing with someone whose head is so empty that they can't argue facts, they can only scream and break stuff.
Christian "punishes" Ana with some vanilla handcuff play on the boat. I keep thinking how hilarious it would be if the boat caught fire and there's Ana, butt naked with her hands cuffed to her ankles and someone has to go in and hoist her ass out of there. She's into the sex, so that's all fine. During this kind of play, Christian likes to braid Ana's hair. This is done because long hair can be used to control you. If I am catfighting with a chick who has a ponytail or braid, my first move is going to be grabbing the hair and yanking her head into the nearest hard surface. No, I'm not kidding. It's something to think about when waxing poetic over long hair. Ana's braid also reminds me of a famous crime scene photo from the Boston Strangler case in which the victim's braid is extremely visible. Not a good association. By the way, Ana is still saying "Argh" during sex. Not "ooh" not "aahh" not ooooh" Argh. Like she's in a Garfield strip.
Somehow, Ana fails to notice that Christian is leaving hickeys all over her boobs during their sexual play. Ummm how do you not notice that? He chomping away on her like he's the Tooth Fairy from Red Dragon and she is totally shocked by it the next day. She decides that now she can't even wear a bikini (we don't know what color her bikini is but we know how much it cost) much less display Christian's own personal boobs. Ummm... why? Just wear the bikini. Throw some concealer on if you're worried but honestly, nobody is going to give a crap. People aren't that interested in you, Ana. Come to think of it, this is kind of like an abuse victim hiding her injuries for fear of someone asking about them. Please, someone tell me how this is a fantasy. Shouldn't the fantasy be that Christian is totally nice to Ana and never blows up at her and loves everything she does? He hates other people but not her? She can show off her boobs all she wants and he's okay with it? Is being yelled at that much fun? Or are we so abused that our fantasy is being abused? This is so messed up.
This is where my notes become incoherent. Theoretically, I should be able to remember what happens but it's all so dull that it just blends into a glomp of "stuff I don't care about." Ana decides to be all cute by taking the jet ski out even though she knows it will set Christian off. It reminds me of stuff I wrote back when I was 13 and had yet to master that concept that people actually don't find it charming when we act like idiots. As teenagers, we think that we're being clever and pushing boundaries. As an adult, you understand that being around people who can't stop the attention-seeking behavior is tiresome. Oh, and be assured, this is attention-seeking on Ana's part. Christian has to work, and she's going to nip off to do some shopping but she has to make a drama of it because his attention is not focused on her. Also, these two are still communicating by e-mail (as opposed to texting for some reason) because despite living together, they cannot communicate.
Ana is just so above materialism (outside of memorizing the price tags on everything she owns) that she only buys a couple of tchochkies to remind her of the girl she once was. Yep, after a few short months, she has gone from 23 to age 67. While she's swanning around with the checkbook, Christian is finding out that someone set a fire in the server room at his company. Really? HOW???? That room, of all rooms, should have been locked up tight. Granted, we don't care about Christian's company because he's never ever there and doesn't work, but I guess Ana's former boss is a NINJA and climbed through the ducts or something. Or Christian is a moron and doesn't have any security. Look, I had access to just about everything when I worked in corporate but even I couldn't go into that server room because it was full of delicate equipment that stores confidential information. I had access to the forbidden travel department and the executive conference rooms but not that server room. Nor would my mad ninja skills have done me any good, because they kept that place locked up tight.
That brings us up to date through the end of Chapter four. Yes, I am counting the Prologue as a chapter. It went on long enough that it counts. Nothing sets up a romantic book like hearing about the dead and rotting corpse of our hero's mother. Good times!
Stay tuned for more exciting events as some guys inexplicable ninja skills threaten to Ana's "happiness."
So, after the prologue of creepy dead mom, we join Ana and Christian on their honeymoon on a boat that belongs to some guy. No, seriously, they don't know who he is, just that's he's super-rich and has a title. They almost have sex on the beach, only Christian notices that other people are looking and he's decided that he cares about that now... unlike when he tried to finger Ana while having dinner with his parents or that time in the elevator with an uncomfortable crowd present. Then we're off to a flashback or a dream of the wedding. It starts flashback but then Ana wakes up at the end, so it was dream. Also, she's sunbathing topless and Christian goes apeshit because she is HIS PROPERTY now and people might look at HIS OWN PERSONAL BOOBS. Also, it might get in the tabloids which we'd care about if we hadn't already seen photos of everyone from Princess Di on down the list sunbathing topless in the tabloids because that's what you do in that part of the world. It hasn't been a big deal for decades, dude.
Still, I started this so I might as well finish it. My impression of the third book so far is that it reads like an afterthought. It is also the worst in the series so far. Ana has now dropped all pretense of being anything other than a shallow golddigger while Christian no longer makes any effort to reign in his hair-trigger crazy. Basically, this is your typical horrible marriage between two people who don't have the slightest scrap of emotional connection, but as long as they can distract themselves with money and sex, it will all be okay. I have begun pretending that it is set in 2007, just before the bottom drops out and that there's an epilogue where Christian goes bankrupt, Ana leaves him and this material has been published in the wake of his murder-suicide by woodchipper as a cautionary tale.
We begin with a third person prologue where Christian dreams about his dead mom. If there was some sort of mystery about his mom or some kind of effort made to come to terms with her life and death, this might matter. There isn't, so it's just a waste of time. It's Ana acting like every other abused woman and making excuses for her partner. Having been there, I'll let you in on a secret- this isn't something that just happens, you know what's going on and you choose to come up with reasons to stick around. In Ana's case, we can say that Christian has proven over and over that he can track her down and control her life, so she doesn't have a lot choice here... but this is supposed to be a FANTASY it should be FUN and this is NOT FUN. If the best that can dream of is our abuser having a legit excuse, it is a saddening reflection of our society.
By the way, I am using chapter notes that I made while attempting to drink myself to death on cheap booze at the local Chili's. As I am still here, we can assume that, when it comes to alcohol poisoning, I am doing it wrong. So, chapter one jumps back and forth between the honeymoon and the wedding. It is unclear whether we're seeing flashbacks or memories or a dream. I'm not sure the author even knows. It reminds me of the tour in Catching Fire where we leap ahead in time and then are told "Also, these extremely important events happened that I didn't bother to tell you about but I'm mentioning it now because I can't be bothered to go back and edit." For me, this book is really showing it's fanfic roots. In fanfic, we often publish chapter by chapter, so it isn't possible to go back and edit when we need to make changes. That's how this feels. "Oops, I forgot that the wedding is important. I'll just add in a flashback." I think my favorite is Christian dragging Ana to the airport in her wedding dress because he wants to strip it off her and it's just so damn awkward. I'd also like to point out that writing a flashback in the present tense is really problematic. If it's a memory, then it should be in past tense. Anyway, Ana is apparently dreaming and somehow has her top off which sends Christian into a rage fit.
I'm just going to point out that Christian is deep into the devaluation phase of the relationship. Ana is now his property and he loves her like he loves his boat and his big screen TV. When she doesn't behave as he imagines she should, he flips out because boats don't have free will and feelings. I am not the biggest fan of Edward Cullen, but I don't remember him screaming at Bella and calling her names. I just don't get how this is supposed to be a romantic fantasy. Does anyone fantasize about having to walk on eggshells and taking blame for their abuser's crazy?
So, Christian drags Ana and his entourage onto his jetski and goes tearing off even before she's really settled. Yep, he's just gotta keep her safe because no one is going to wreck Christian's boat but Christian! Ana decides that Christian's smug expression is cute. Yeah, keep telling yourself that. But hey, it's all good because she can gloat about how rich she is now. She flashbacks to Christian's rage fit over the suggestion of getting a pre-nup. They don't need a pre-nup because he's threatening that he will end his life if she leaves him. Besides, if she does try to leave him, she'll be doing it in a body bag. This is not a case of "I trust you and I know you'd never take advantage of me" this is "There will be scorched fucking earth if you even think about leaving me." Seriously, rage fits are not sexy. They are threatening. They are unpleasant. They are also boring as hell when you realize that you're dealing with someone whose head is so empty that they can't argue facts, they can only scream and break stuff.
Christian "punishes" Ana with some vanilla handcuff play on the boat. I keep thinking how hilarious it would be if the boat caught fire and there's Ana, butt naked with her hands cuffed to her ankles and someone has to go in and hoist her ass out of there. She's into the sex, so that's all fine. During this kind of play, Christian likes to braid Ana's hair. This is done because long hair can be used to control you. If I am catfighting with a chick who has a ponytail or braid, my first move is going to be grabbing the hair and yanking her head into the nearest hard surface. No, I'm not kidding. It's something to think about when waxing poetic over long hair. Ana's braid also reminds me of a famous crime scene photo from the Boston Strangler case in which the victim's braid is extremely visible. Not a good association. By the way, Ana is still saying "Argh" during sex. Not "ooh" not "aahh" not ooooh" Argh. Like she's in a Garfield strip.
Somehow, Ana fails to notice that Christian is leaving hickeys all over her boobs during their sexual play. Ummm how do you not notice that? He chomping away on her like he's the Tooth Fairy from Red Dragon and she is totally shocked by it the next day. She decides that now she can't even wear a bikini (we don't know what color her bikini is but we know how much it cost) much less display Christian's own personal boobs. Ummm... why? Just wear the bikini. Throw some concealer on if you're worried but honestly, nobody is going to give a crap. People aren't that interested in you, Ana. Come to think of it, this is kind of like an abuse victim hiding her injuries for fear of someone asking about them. Please, someone tell me how this is a fantasy. Shouldn't the fantasy be that Christian is totally nice to Ana and never blows up at her and loves everything she does? He hates other people but not her? She can show off her boobs all she wants and he's okay with it? Is being yelled at that much fun? Or are we so abused that our fantasy is being abused? This is so messed up.
This is where my notes become incoherent. Theoretically, I should be able to remember what happens but it's all so dull that it just blends into a glomp of "stuff I don't care about." Ana decides to be all cute by taking the jet ski out even though she knows it will set Christian off. It reminds me of stuff I wrote back when I was 13 and had yet to master that concept that people actually don't find it charming when we act like idiots. As teenagers, we think that we're being clever and pushing boundaries. As an adult, you understand that being around people who can't stop the attention-seeking behavior is tiresome. Oh, and be assured, this is attention-seeking on Ana's part. Christian has to work, and she's going to nip off to do some shopping but she has to make a drama of it because his attention is not focused on her. Also, these two are still communicating by e-mail (as opposed to texting for some reason) because despite living together, they cannot communicate.
Ana is just so above materialism (outside of memorizing the price tags on everything she owns) that she only buys a couple of tchochkies to remind her of the girl she once was. Yep, after a few short months, she has gone from 23 to age 67. While she's swanning around with the checkbook, Christian is finding out that someone set a fire in the server room at his company. Really? HOW???? That room, of all rooms, should have been locked up tight. Granted, we don't care about Christian's company because he's never ever there and doesn't work, but I guess Ana's former boss is a NINJA and climbed through the ducts or something. Or Christian is a moron and doesn't have any security. Look, I had access to just about everything when I worked in corporate but even I couldn't go into that server room because it was full of delicate equipment that stores confidential information. I had access to the forbidden travel department and the executive conference rooms but not that server room. Nor would my mad ninja skills have done me any good, because they kept that place locked up tight.
That brings us up to date through the end of Chapter four. Yes, I am counting the Prologue as a chapter. It went on long enough that it counts. Nothing sets up a romantic book like hearing about the dead and rotting corpse of our hero's mother. Good times!
Stay tuned for more exciting events as some guys inexplicable ninja skills threaten to Ana's "happiness."
So, after the prologue of creepy dead mom, we join Ana and Christian on their honeymoon on a boat that belongs to some guy. No, seriously, they don't know who he is, just that's he's super-rich and has a title. They almost have sex on the beach, only Christian notices that other people are looking and he's decided that he cares about that now... unlike when he tried to finger Ana while having dinner with his parents or that time in the elevator with an uncomfortable crowd present. Then we're off to a flashback or a dream of the wedding. It starts flashback but then Ana wakes up at the end, so it was dream. Also, she's sunbathing topless and Christian goes apeshit because she is HIS PROPERTY now and people might look at HIS OWN PERSONAL BOOBS. Also, it might get in the tabloids which we'd care about if we hadn't already seen photos of everyone from Princess Di on down the list sunbathing topless in the tabloids because that's what you do in that part of the world. It hasn't been a big deal for decades, dude.