Blah, blah, blah... Insert justifying title here.
So, fail at updating properly. Oh well. Had a great weekend of sitting around with friends and doing nothing. Absolutely perfect. Watched Princess and the Frog, which was mediocre, and ate scones, which were fantastic. Other than that, bought some new hoodies and a Godzilla t-shirt. It's delightfully geeky AND stylish. Very me, I like to think. Then today, went apartment hunting. May be moving into town in the next few weeks. Closer to my new school. would be very convenient, all told. So we'll see. Saw two apartments, one small but nice. The other big, but kinda out of the way. The nice one may be unavailable though, so we'll wait and see.
Any way, so the real reason I restarted this journal was so I could have a place to muse about those thoughts I don't think anyone else would be interested in listening to. And so I can sort them out in a somewhat rational fashion. So, tonight we're going to talk about dating... As the thing that plagues my mind most often, it seems appropriate.
Alright, so first things first... I fail at dating. I'm unobservant, elitist, insensitive, inexperienced, cowardly, and awkward. Pity party out of the way, honestly I'm just really unsuited to it I think. Mostly because of my homeschooling I think, but it's hard to tell, eh? (Sidenote: I've started ending sentences with "eh" for some random reason and cannot stop. Bleh." So let's see, my wealth of experience... First girlfriend I had was with a girl who was rather emotionally needy and I, being rather passive, was willing to be used for the sake of research. And yes, this is how I think things over in my head. I liked the girl well enough, she was interesting at least. But we were a poor match and I lack patience, so that lasted maybe a year. Second girl was a short fling, only a few months really. Japanese girl. Again, poor match, but research demands and who am I to be picky? Nice girl really, but not what I'm looking for really. Third girl was a similar situation. Not really suited, but circumstances kinda pushed that way and there we were. But honestly, she just bored me after a while.
So now we get to the problem... I suck at relationships. Simple fact! Most folks can't hold my interest for very long. And I can't bring myself to try when I'm just not that interested. But this is only the first half. See, this might just be me taking the safe route... Maybe I'm fine with relationships, but I keep choosing options I know aren't going to go anywhere. Problem #2 is that I'm a coward.
When I meet a girl who interests me, really captivates me mentally, I fall and I fall hard. I'm not going to say looks don't matter, but I'm gonna get bored with a empty-headed, pretty girl fast and I'm going to pine for a girl I consider my equal for years. And I put them on such a pedestal and value their presence so much, I rarely if ever act on it.
I fear conflict of all kinds... No, fear is the wrong word. I simply can't be BOTHERED. I hate inconvenience. I hate doing without. I hate losing things I enjoy. I let relationships fizzle intentionally rather than break them off. I avoid starting them for fear of losing friendships. I can't maintain interest in a girl who isn't a friend. I can't violate friendships for fear of ruining them. Catch 22. I'm a man who wants it all, plays it safe to avoid losing anything, and thus gains nothing.
This is compounded by my RIDICULOUS standards. They're stupidly high. In my entire life I have only been captivated by... Three women. Three. One, two, three. Only three people have ever captivated me enough that I would do anything for them. But getting up the nerve to do anything was difficult. And thus I remain alone. Which isn't so bad, but I often wonder if I couldn't have done better if I wasn't such a coward. So passive. So ACCEPTING.
Solution? Break out. Problem analyzed, time to initiate Operation: Jerk Mk II. Operation: Jerk was a wild success after my operation. It involved becoming less afraid of saying something stupid or making a mistake and just doing the things I know will make me happy. This led to me enjoying life much more, having many more friends, and moving on with life. But once I had these things, I once again lost the will to risk losing them... To do so in the first place I had to almost lose everything. This time I'm going to try to manage without. But the action will hopefully be the same. Take risks. Say what I mean. Say what I want. Go for something great, don't just maintain something good. Maintaining never really works, you just slowly lose them one by one until nothing is left. I'm facing this now with so many friends heading home for good this summer...
Love unrequited is torture. Bringing it to conclusion can be painful, but at least it ends the torture. My job is to have the strength to brave the pain.
Well, anyway. Enough moping. That's most of what I wanted to say. And writing it down helps. But we'll see! I may have forgot essential things. If so, it will be a great chance to use the word " Addendum"!
Any way, so the real reason I restarted this journal was so I could have a place to muse about those thoughts I don't think anyone else would be interested in listening to. And so I can sort them out in a somewhat rational fashion. So, tonight we're going to talk about dating... As the thing that plagues my mind most often, it seems appropriate.
Alright, so first things first... I fail at dating. I'm unobservant, elitist, insensitive, inexperienced, cowardly, and awkward. Pity party out of the way, honestly I'm just really unsuited to it I think. Mostly because of my homeschooling I think, but it's hard to tell, eh? (Sidenote: I've started ending sentences with "eh" for some random reason and cannot stop. Bleh." So let's see, my wealth of experience... First girlfriend I had was with a girl who was rather emotionally needy and I, being rather passive, was willing to be used for the sake of research. And yes, this is how I think things over in my head. I liked the girl well enough, she was interesting at least. But we were a poor match and I lack patience, so that lasted maybe a year. Second girl was a short fling, only a few months really. Japanese girl. Again, poor match, but research demands and who am I to be picky? Nice girl really, but not what I'm looking for really. Third girl was a similar situation. Not really suited, but circumstances kinda pushed that way and there we were. But honestly, she just bored me after a while.
So now we get to the problem... I suck at relationships. Simple fact! Most folks can't hold my interest for very long. And I can't bring myself to try when I'm just not that interested. But this is only the first half. See, this might just be me taking the safe route... Maybe I'm fine with relationships, but I keep choosing options I know aren't going to go anywhere. Problem #2 is that I'm a coward.
When I meet a girl who interests me, really captivates me mentally, I fall and I fall hard. I'm not going to say looks don't matter, but I'm gonna get bored with a empty-headed, pretty girl fast and I'm going to pine for a girl I consider my equal for years. And I put them on such a pedestal and value their presence so much, I rarely if ever act on it.
I fear conflict of all kinds... No, fear is the wrong word. I simply can't be BOTHERED. I hate inconvenience. I hate doing without. I hate losing things I enjoy. I let relationships fizzle intentionally rather than break them off. I avoid starting them for fear of losing friendships. I can't maintain interest in a girl who isn't a friend. I can't violate friendships for fear of ruining them. Catch 22. I'm a man who wants it all, plays it safe to avoid losing anything, and thus gains nothing.
This is compounded by my RIDICULOUS standards. They're stupidly high. In my entire life I have only been captivated by... Three women. Three. One, two, three. Only three people have ever captivated me enough that I would do anything for them. But getting up the nerve to do anything was difficult. And thus I remain alone. Which isn't so bad, but I often wonder if I couldn't have done better if I wasn't such a coward. So passive. So ACCEPTING.
Solution? Break out. Problem analyzed, time to initiate Operation: Jerk Mk II. Operation: Jerk was a wild success after my operation. It involved becoming less afraid of saying something stupid or making a mistake and just doing the things I know will make me happy. This led to me enjoying life much more, having many more friends, and moving on with life. But once I had these things, I once again lost the will to risk losing them... To do so in the first place I had to almost lose everything. This time I'm going to try to manage without. But the action will hopefully be the same. Take risks. Say what I mean. Say what I want. Go for something great, don't just maintain something good. Maintaining never really works, you just slowly lose them one by one until nothing is left. I'm facing this now with so many friends heading home for good this summer...
Love unrequited is torture. Bringing it to conclusion can be painful, but at least it ends the torture. My job is to have the strength to brave the pain.
Well, anyway. Enough moping. That's most of what I wanted to say. And writing it down helps. But we'll see! I may have forgot essential things. If so, it will be a great chance to use the word " Addendum"!