(no subject)
Maybe it is because I expected something. I expected joy. And good presents. I got neither. Maybe I thought if I gave presents, karma would give me something good. I mean, it makes sense and all. Giving = getting. I don't know where I went wrong. I wanted to give joy to people so I gave them little things that I though would make them happy. And I'm really anal about presents, esecially when I'm spending money on it, to make sure their great. I'm pretty sure everyone should have been satisfied/kinda pleased they got it. Nothing. Zip.
I wanted to give music, since everyone is such a BIG FAN of it. Thus, since I don't like sharing the cello, I thought, guitar, everyone loves it. Again, I was told to stop picking at it while I was tuning.
I feel like a failure. A big giant one. I know I am, I just don't like feeling it. Sometimes I try to pretend I good at something. Joy. Nothing. I feel so damn empty inside, besides the feeling like a failure part.
Now I have to wait until next Christams. But in the mean time, every time I'll think about it, I'll be bitter, so I will think about not getting anyone anything. But that isn't going to make me happy at all. What the hell am I supposed to do?
I also keep thinking about the audition I will not make on Jan 4th and the crying that will happen at/towards/infront of JA and Becker. But here is the reverse psychology thing, by saying this out loud, I expet to make it, but because I'm expecting to make it because I'm saying I'm not going to, it really means I wont make it. (etc)
How did this happen. How did I go from an exciting and anticipated Christmas to bawling/crying quietly so I don't wake up my mom. Am I pmsing? I must be. I'm hating Lawrence and life. That is only when I'm psming. The only good thing I can think of are my friends in Minneapolis.
I'm cold now.
Is that why I want to do the Peace Corps? I'm expecting good things to happen because I'm giving?
And I'm still upset at not going to my best friends gig just because of a little snow.
I wanted to give music, since everyone is such a BIG FAN of it. Thus, since I don't like sharing the cello, I thought, guitar, everyone loves it. Again, I was told to stop picking at it while I was tuning.
I feel like a failure. A big giant one. I know I am, I just don't like feeling it. Sometimes I try to pretend I good at something. Joy. Nothing. I feel so damn empty inside, besides the feeling like a failure part.
Now I have to wait until next Christams. But in the mean time, every time I'll think about it, I'll be bitter, so I will think about not getting anyone anything. But that isn't going to make me happy at all. What the hell am I supposed to do?
I also keep thinking about the audition I will not make on Jan 4th and the crying that will happen at/towards/infront of JA and Becker. But here is the reverse psychology thing, by saying this out loud, I expet to make it, but because I'm expecting to make it because I'm saying I'm not going to, it really means I wont make it. (etc)
How did this happen. How did I go from an exciting and anticipated Christmas to bawling/crying quietly so I don't wake up my mom. Am I pmsing? I must be. I'm hating Lawrence and life. That is only when I'm psming. The only good thing I can think of are my friends in Minneapolis.
I'm cold now.
Is that why I want to do the Peace Corps? I'm expecting good things to happen because I'm giving?
And I'm still upset at not going to my best friends gig just because of a little snow.