(no subject)
Somethings have been going on that I can't control. Things that I can't change thouh I wish I could. People I want to save, but I can't. Jackie told me to stop trying to change the world, that some people just want to suffer. I didn't believe her until recently. Then there are people who don't think anything is wrong, or choose to ignore it as if it will just go away.
I made a decision, and my doctor knows, that I've stopped taking my meds. All except birthcontrol and my allergy meds. I'm going to take control of my life, instead of trying to save everyone else. I didn't even know how bad my own things had gotten. Not until I found my self cry for no reason other than I felt like it. I've been overwhelmed here lately, too many things to deal with. So many that I just stopped dealing with them. And because of that my headaches have returned, and I will not suffer through that again, not for anyone. I've been letting other people and things come before myself. I threw little Amber to the wolves so that I could try to save someone else. I've been blind, and alot of the problems are mine. Bart told me that I needed to talk to someone about my problems, he didn't realize that I just really need to talk to him. Sometimes its so hard for me to vocalize what's going on, to express the things, thoughts in my head. I've not been totaly honest about somethings, because I don't want him to get upset, or to think that I'm selfish, and maybe I should be selfish. I just know that I need to end this whole thing, before I get into a situation that I will cost me dearly. I have to stop giving in to everything for fear of losing it.
I miss alot of things, afternoon drives, going to the movies, hanging out with my friends, and all those other things we did together. What happened to that? Why do I feel in a damn rut? I don't get why things feel so raw emotionally. I keep thinking its because I don't know what its supposed to feel like. I thought I killed alot of me long ago, but I hid her in the dark and now everything seems overwhelming. Sometimes I feel like I'm 15 again, without any real understanding of the world or love. Or anything emotional wise. I had such hate back then. Not at one thing, but at things in general. I'd been dealt several deaths and they were not easy to understand let alone deal with. Alot of that has been reopened along with old scars. I still thing I'm a damn ugly duckling sometimes, one with out the benefit of growing beautiful. I thought the self-esteem things would go away, but they seem worse. I hope its just temporary. I don't really want to go through that hell again. I don't know. I need to leave for work, and there is so much I need to tell someone, anyone.
I made a decision, and my doctor knows, that I've stopped taking my meds. All except birthcontrol and my allergy meds. I'm going to take control of my life, instead of trying to save everyone else. I didn't even know how bad my own things had gotten. Not until I found my self cry for no reason other than I felt like it. I've been overwhelmed here lately, too many things to deal with. So many that I just stopped dealing with them. And because of that my headaches have returned, and I will not suffer through that again, not for anyone. I've been letting other people and things come before myself. I threw little Amber to the wolves so that I could try to save someone else. I've been blind, and alot of the problems are mine. Bart told me that I needed to talk to someone about my problems, he didn't realize that I just really need to talk to him. Sometimes its so hard for me to vocalize what's going on, to express the things, thoughts in my head. I've not been totaly honest about somethings, because I don't want him to get upset, or to think that I'm selfish, and maybe I should be selfish. I just know that I need to end this whole thing, before I get into a situation that I will cost me dearly. I have to stop giving in to everything for fear of losing it.
I miss alot of things, afternoon drives, going to the movies, hanging out with my friends, and all those other things we did together. What happened to that? Why do I feel in a damn rut? I don't get why things feel so raw emotionally. I keep thinking its because I don't know what its supposed to feel like. I thought I killed alot of me long ago, but I hid her in the dark and now everything seems overwhelming. Sometimes I feel like I'm 15 again, without any real understanding of the world or love. Or anything emotional wise. I had such hate back then. Not at one thing, but at things in general. I'd been dealt several deaths and they were not easy to understand let alone deal with. Alot of that has been reopened along with old scars. I still thing I'm a damn ugly duckling sometimes, one with out the benefit of growing beautiful. I thought the self-esteem things would go away, but they seem worse. I hope its just temporary. I don't really want to go through that hell again. I don't know. I need to leave for work, and there is so much I need to tell someone, anyone.