nerrr
ok well lastnight/this morning was...fhunn. to say tha least *smerks* ummm yeah josh came over we wached some movies...had a cigg...but then while we were wachin (well he was i was wachin him) twilight(?)zone... i began to feel incredibly sad. as i sat there waching him i began to think "what if?" ann ya'all know where what if leads me. like what if he does turn ou to be like tha rest of 'em. which i know hes not... but i mean still. i try to push all the negitivaty away...but it all comes back twice as fast ann twice as hard... i give in to temptation to easly ann shit... i know i do...i dont know why. dam this pices body i'm cursed with!!! but really my only fear is that i end up loosein him like i have lost others i really cared deeply for. either by death, i do somethin fuggin retarded, or they juss quit talkin to me. i was readin this stupid thing on my space...ann it made me relize how incredibly pathetic i am!!! i dunn know after he left i took a bath...cuz i juss wanted tah chill lol...but as i was sittin there i juss got a cravein i was all "no i cant give in i didnt get all this way to only throw it in tha shitter" so... i cut myself...well i mean its better than sniffin lines right??? ann as i watched my blood kinda drift in to the water...i relized that i've ruined everything on me. that made me even sadder...so i cut deeper. the more blood that spilled in to the water the more i wanted to get rid of this body i'm in... of course the only way to do that is to die. but like when the water started to turn reddish i thought "why xactly do i wanna die??? who will it benifit??? i dont want tha world to think that it has won. it hassent it never will as long as i hold my heard up high" what a lovely thought huh??? lets see how long i can stick with it. 'cuz i know i wont... all i can do is hold my breath. ok josh i'm so so so so so sorry fer worring you. but i tend to let my fears get tha better of me...thats why i shouldn't be allowed to analize shit. ok well laterz ya'all...i'm gonna make some chi tea!!!