Don't You Know I'll Only Let You Down
Despite being a loner -- mostly by choice -- every now and again I somehow incidentally attract some female fan. Younger than me, a little bit giggly, innocent enough to be deserving of protection and sweet and intelligent enough to be worthy of nurturing.
I'm flattered in part, but the other part just wants to run screaming into the night.
Can't you understand I'll only break your heart?
Have you ever been "the smartest girl in class" and up at the chalkboard against a boy while all your female classmates look at you like -- AUGH!!!! -- you will prove something to them. You are not YOU. You are Potential Female Worth, Personified.
So no pressure there, sure.
There has been at least one instance I've felt I lost because of that pressure. I heard the guys talking about it afterward. "Wow." "Nah, she wasn't all that." Fuck you. I hate that guy forever. I could have won, I know it. Sometimes I've just lost legitimately. "You're going down!" while racing. "Get her!" in air hockey. I lost to those guys. I didn't mean to. But at some point it did turn into male vs. female and that, I think, paralyzes me in a way.
These girls that look up to me, I weep for them and I do so all the more if somehow, every other influence actually is worse. I'm responsible, I'm incapable and I'm...
Terrified.
Not to mention screwed up. You seriously, seriously do not want me for a role model.
One of my earliest memories is of the guy in kindergarten who literally broke my arm because I dared to charge -- where no other girls would -- into the "boys only" Jungle Gym.
I was one of only two students in an entire school to win a math award, the other being a guy (of course!).
I'll do... what I can. I suppose. May whatever powers that be save me.
I'm flattered in part, but the other part just wants to run screaming into the night.
Can't you understand I'll only break your heart?
Have you ever been "the smartest girl in class" and up at the chalkboard against a boy while all your female classmates look at you like -- AUGH!!!! -- you will prove something to them. You are not YOU. You are Potential Female Worth, Personified.
So no pressure there, sure.
There has been at least one instance I've felt I lost because of that pressure. I heard the guys talking about it afterward. "Wow." "Nah, she wasn't all that." Fuck you. I hate that guy forever. I could have won, I know it. Sometimes I've just lost legitimately. "You're going down!" while racing. "Get her!" in air hockey. I lost to those guys. I didn't mean to. But at some point it did turn into male vs. female and that, I think, paralyzes me in a way.
These girls that look up to me, I weep for them and I do so all the more if somehow, every other influence actually is worse. I'm responsible, I'm incapable and I'm...
Terrified.
Not to mention screwed up. You seriously, seriously do not want me for a role model.
One of my earliest memories is of the guy in kindergarten who literally broke my arm because I dared to charge -- where no other girls would -- into the "boys only" Jungle Gym.
I was one of only two students in an entire school to win a math award, the other being a guy (of course!).
I'll do... what I can. I suppose. May whatever powers that be save me.