Courteously cut for your scrolling pleasure
So I worked in Munising today again and had to say goodbye to the regulars. Such a welcoming place, I'll really miss being around. I think I'll have to stop by for coffee on occasion.
The band concert was good, except I didn't appreciate the three concertos. I went to see a band, not three outstanding individuals (though outstanding they most certainly were [awesome job Aimee, if you read this]). Also, I'm sort of wishing I had not gone backstage after it was over. But life goes on, y'know? I'm just glad I don't have to deal with that every day. Life is just too short for one to be fluctuating between anger, sadness, and fleeting glimpses of hope on a daily basis. I refuse to let myself become like that.
China approacheth in nine days. I'm actually a little nervous, to be honest. It'll be a good time if I can go into it without feeling like it's supposed to be a good time and that I need to see it as a memory in the present. It's like people who take videocameras or excessive amounts of pictures wherever they go. You worry so much about making the memories that you forget you're actually there.
I need to relax. That's a very valuable lesson I've learned in the past two or so months. I honestly just need to chill and not think about things in pre-retrospect. To quote John Lennon (probably again), "Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans". It's so plainly true, I just need to quit expecting "life to happen" and, well, live.
Also, work is going well, but I realized I don't want to be considered Dr. Luoma's son. I can admit that I only got the job for that reason, but I want to make myself believe that I at least deserve it. While waiting around, I refuse to sit in his office. I have no business with him, so why should I loiter in an office in which I don't belong? My dad handed me my paycheck today and I felt bad -- I should've been the one doing that. I should have stopped by the office, said 'hi' to the secretaries, and then talked to the payroll lady and thanked her myself. Maybe it wouldn't have meant anything to them, but it matters to me. My dad offered to take some stuff in to work tomorrow morning, and I told him no, that I would do it myself. I'll bring in the box of surveys, tell people about Munising if they care, smile, and say good-bye. I don't need my dad to do that for me.
I find myself wondering who I am a lot of the time. I know that certain things don't change about people, or are at least very resistant to change. Things like the ideals and principles with which you were raised. But it's also true that the people with whom you associate make a huge impact on your identity. I wonder, as these associations change for me, who I will become. Who I already have become. How am I different from the 17-year-old I was, one year ago today? What has changed about me, and why? Is it change for the better?
Another important thing I've learned recently is that change is good, even if it's not. It lets you evaluate yourself from a different perspective, shows you some of the weaknesses that you didn't know you had, as well as some of the strengths. Change also brings attention to itself. When you're happily set in a phase of life, you don't think that things are going to change. When something does happen, you suddenly realize the impermanence of everything. Not just within yourself, but in the people that you know and the places you see. It's comforting, exciting, and a little frightening at the same time.
I heard something today that really put things into perspective for me. There was an older man at the Falling Rock Cafe who is going through some really tough times with his wife right now. Without getting too into specifics, they have been married to each other for more than half their lives, but now she doesn't want to live with him anymore because he doesn't seem to love her like he used to, despite the fact that he, in his own words "loves her just as much as he ever has". He says good morning to her and kisses her every day. He cooks for her, shops for her, and cares for her. There is no doubt in my mind that this man genuinely loves this woman. I dwell on my own situation, and here's this wonderful, kind, down-to-earth man who up until now has been living comfortably with his wife to whom he has been married almost twice as long as I've been alive, being told to move to a different apartment. And yet she still wants to eat every meal of every day with him and go for walks together. Talk about mixed messages -- how utterly confusing and hurtful that would be, after more than thirty years of marriage. I don't even know what it's like to LIVE, much less be married, that long. I would be absolutely devastated. You can tell this man hurts a lot, but he's far from giving up. "Life's just too short to wait for other people to figure out what they want", he said. If that isn't wisdom, then I want to know what is.