There is no shade at night...
Emotional surplus spills out through the only way it knows how to any more. I remember the days when the only way I knew how to handle this much emotion was punching things. HA. I've got a little bit of scar tissue to remind me not to do that anymore. Oh yeah, and the glasses I always have to wear. I think I've just never liked crying, even though I always feel closest to God when I do. I was putting away the order yesterday in the freezer, and you know how whenever you're cold it always seems to make sadness worse? Yeah, well it was REALLY freakin' cold in there, and it just all started coming out. My friend Max might be dying as I sit here right now, and it feels like there's nothing I can do for him. Even if he does live, there's a strong chance he'll be brain damaged or paralyzed. And now I just found out that my dad might have cancer, and he's more important to me than I can ever make him understand. He's what keeps me... loving my mom. We don't get along really well; actually we get along fine, I just don't like her as a person, and he makes me remember that she's worthy of love from someone as great as my dad, then I remember everything good she is instead of all the bad. My uncle died from cancer about a year ago. He was my favorite uncle, kinda one of my heroes. It's the hardest when heroes die. There's just so much death around. I regret ever buying that motorcycle. Everytime I get on it I go through a checklist in my head that everything would be at least okay if I were to die. I love riding; it's so much fun, but I don't have any faith in my safety when I ride. I have nightmares about crashes or more oil spills and me getting mangled or killed. I'm a grown ass man, I'm not supposed to have nightmares anymore. That's the first indication that something's wrong. On top of all this, I didn't erally make it back to school this time around, and that makes me feel so worthless. Like I'm not doing anything with my life, because I've been taught that you HAVE to go to college otherwise you're pretty much scum. I know that's not true, but the fact is that it has been ingrained in me. Now that I've been exercising so much I'm always hungry, and when you're broke that means grumbly stomach = grumbly Ben. Well, I'm not really that broke, but I just try to really concentrate on what I choose to spend my money on. Food is not the first thing on the list. Happiness is. Happiness now, or later? Well the easiest way to decide is by comparing the magnitude of happiness and the level of necessity. Food now= a little happy for a while. NO $$ for bills later = uh-oh!! for a longer while. The winds have blown my kite into trees, and back out. The same trees that lend me their branches for shade in times of sweat-faced childhood, and grips during scar inducing adventure. NO more kites these days; I've been told I'm too old. It's hard to argue with the world. Bob has been lonely these past few years; I've only been going through the motions, but it's time for a change. Crying doesn't fix anyone, but I have always believed that laughter can be the best medicine.