Hrm...
Here's an emotion I'm not used to. Sadness and I rarely run into eachother, but today seems to be an exception to the rule. I'm not depressed really, just... sad.
Usually I relate sadness to self pity, which is a nearly foreign concept to me yet this time I don't know why I feel the way I do right now. I certainly don't have any reason to be sad for myself. Things are going rather poorly at work, but I will improve. Things around the house continue to appall me, but I can easily change that. It's not anything that affects me directly, but something tonight has made my usual little bubble of bliss a little wavery.
Tonight I had an argument with someone. Normally no big deal, but it's the exact opposite of what I wanted. If you want a bit of back story, I met someone online years and years ago while I was in college. Things worked out well between us but we faded apart. Our lives got really busy and really complicated. We'd keep in touch at random. An offline message here or there every few months. Nothing real big in the last few years, but I assumed that things were still almost where they were.
On a whim I decided I should reintroduce myself. Rekindle the friendship. I... came at a bad time. Probably the worst possible for this person and I don't know how, but we got into an argument with some major wtf moments. I hate to give out details, but I was hurt. Everything I said either came out the wrong way or was interpreted way differently than I expected and well... I think I wound up hurting the feelings of one of the few people I respect. Rather than sink deeper I parted once I found myself actually being offended.
So here's the problem: I don't know if I'm sad for myself that I may have lost a friend, upset that I allowed something to drag on this long, concerned for this person and thier situation, or any combination of the three as well as anything else.
I'm normally good at this sort of introspective thing, but I'm at a loss. Luckily... tomorrow is another day. Things either can or cannot be mended at this point, but that's to be seen. I don't think it's in me to lose sleep, but I'll still worry that something will be lost almost as much as I hope that something new will be gained no matter what the outcome. The road to self-realization is a long one, and it's little divots like these that help remind me I'm not as far along as I'd like. Sad... How exciting. =)
Usually I relate sadness to self pity, which is a nearly foreign concept to me yet this time I don't know why I feel the way I do right now. I certainly don't have any reason to be sad for myself. Things are going rather poorly at work, but I will improve. Things around the house continue to appall me, but I can easily change that. It's not anything that affects me directly, but something tonight has made my usual little bubble of bliss a little wavery.
Tonight I had an argument with someone. Normally no big deal, but it's the exact opposite of what I wanted. If you want a bit of back story, I met someone online years and years ago while I was in college. Things worked out well between us but we faded apart. Our lives got really busy and really complicated. We'd keep in touch at random. An offline message here or there every few months. Nothing real big in the last few years, but I assumed that things were still almost where they were.
On a whim I decided I should reintroduce myself. Rekindle the friendship. I... came at a bad time. Probably the worst possible for this person and I don't know how, but we got into an argument with some major wtf moments. I hate to give out details, but I was hurt. Everything I said either came out the wrong way or was interpreted way differently than I expected and well... I think I wound up hurting the feelings of one of the few people I respect. Rather than sink deeper I parted once I found myself actually being offended.
So here's the problem: I don't know if I'm sad for myself that I may have lost a friend, upset that I allowed something to drag on this long, concerned for this person and thier situation, or any combination of the three as well as anything else.
I'm normally good at this sort of introspective thing, but I'm at a loss. Luckily... tomorrow is another day. Things either can or cannot be mended at this point, but that's to be seen. I don't think it's in me to lose sleep, but I'll still worry that something will be lost almost as much as I hope that something new will be gained no matter what the outcome. The road to self-realization is a long one, and it's little divots like these that help remind me I'm not as far along as I'd like. Sad... How exciting. =)