(no subject)
Warning. For those of you who don't want to hear me whine, please tune out now...
Do you ever feel like everyone is trying to run your life for you? You're doing just fine but people are constantly telling you what to do... even though you have already done it. I got home tonight (and I wasn't feeling the greatest anyways because i broke something very expensive at church and ever since my stomache has remained dropped and that lump in my throat has remained there), and my mom asked sternly if i bought the tickets for celebration. "yes," I replied. "Do you know if you have to work tomorrow?" Now by this time she had already asked me 3 times throughout the past two days and so I gave out a heavy sigh because I had forgotten to call earlier today. At work they have it set up on a regular calendar to where they write the names of each person who works on a particular day. I know that my name wasn't on monday. But i'm not sure about tomorrow. This is why i have to call right when i get home tomorrow. So then when my mom saw that i didn't know the schedule she started getting after me saying, "what if you had to work today?" "No mom i know i did'nt have to work today."
Don't get me wrong. I love my mama and I'm not mad at her for it. At least she cares enough to ask. That's not whats discouraging me. I feel annoyed and irritated at times because i am constantly getting after myself all day to do something, and then when someone else says something I'm already sick of hearing about it. Especially if they just start giving me advise without first know my situation.
About two minutes after the incident with my mama Taryn asks me, "So are you practicing for celebration tomorrow?" "... no" and before i get a chance to say anything else, "OH well! You better get practicing because celebration is wednesday you know and you don't want to suck. It's right around the corner." So at that moment i think i did very well because i felt like telling her to shut up, but I didn't, I didn't even let it show that i was very irritated that she was giving me advise before she even knew the full criteria. "Taryn" I said, "Josh has a track meet tomorrow and cannot practice tomorrow. I've already tried getting a practice together tomorrow but there is nothing I can do about it."
It has been very frusterating with celebration too because of many reasons. All four of the members in our temporary band have very different and busy schedules and it has been extremely difficult to find the time to practice. Another thing that adds an element of frusteration to the deal is the fact that it cuts into some people's time making them upset. And not even really people in the band. So it has been tough. Sometimes I just get sick of feeling like I have to please everyone all the time.
It might sound bad but I get wore out and don't want to please everyone all the time. It's like a tug of war. Please no one get offended by that because I'm simply venting. It feels better to write about how you feel. especially when you know there are many very loving and intelligent people out there to leave you comments that make you feel better and encourage you. I'm sure you have all felt this way sometime in your life. That you are trying your ultimate hardest to excel spiritually, socially, academically, and mentally, but it isn't enough. It feels like no matter how hard you try one area of your life isn't going to recieve the full amount of effort you would like to put forth into it. No matter how hard you try someone is going to be lecturing you over something you are already working on. No matter how hard you try you can't give everyone the amount of time you would like to. No matter how much you give, there is always more to give. I don't want to get, I just want to be able to give more than I can sometimes.
No matter how hard you try to focus on who it is that matters most, your prayer life fails because at the end of the day you fall asleep talking with Him, or you don't have any kind of time for devotion that day because you spent it making up time with someone so they wont get mad at you, or getting something done so that you don't get stomped on later for it.
That's another thing that has me frusterated. I feel like I've forgotten something critical to seeking God. I know that I rely too much on myself rather than his strength, but lately it seems I don't remember to trust in Him. I automatically try doing it myself. Maybe this could be the main source of my frusteration. And even though i may realize this, I'm not sure what i need to do to fix it.
Financial issues are horrible too. I hate getting money from my parents because i feel like i dont deserve it (Which I don't). I want to be able to earn jusr enough to get me gas and the extra espenses. That's it. I don't need anything new or fancy. Yet i find myself needing money so i can get gas to go to school or church. Hopefull that will change soon. Once I start recieving paychecks perhaps i will be able to be somewhat independent again. Not needing to ask for money from my parents. I feel so bad doing that.
So now that I've gotten alot of my chest perhaps it is time for me to relax and go get something more done. I am supposed to be writing a lesson for tomorrow, but once again that didn't happen because i was spending time doing something else. It just seems like too much sometimes. Too much to do. Not just activities but making sure to keep up on relationships because i really do care about you guys. I hate leaving friends behind on accident. Help me not to do so. I just want to be able to keep up with life.