owner of a lonely heart - YES
how funny that this song should be playing as i choose to write in my long neglected journal... feels as though it's been awhile anyway...
i've been hiding away from the world for awhile now i guess... out of a combination of selfishness, laziness, unhappiness and dissatisfaction... i don't know... something like that.... if i am to be perfectly honest.... i'm feeling like quite the loser some days... i'm taking absolutely no steps towards really changing anything in my life... i mean i stopped smoking cigarettes again on friday... but this is not going to solve my problems... .it is a small step somewhere i guess.... it feels like for the last i don't know how many months all i've been doing is working monday thru friday 8:30am to 5:30pm, coming home and getting high, going online and blocking the world and just doing AR stuff and talking to michele... or playing TOMB RAIDER on playstation... hello? how old am i? i'm going to be 27 years old in a couple of months... good lord it's creeping up quickly... what am i doing? i'm living home with my mom, paying rent at least, but still... i really need to get out of here.... i need my own place again... i miss having an apartment... but then something like tonight happens.... i'm home, there is absolutely nothing on tv that is of interest to me, i'm tired of being on the computer... i don't feel like driving anywhere because i know it will get me depressed because i'd just drive somewhere old and familiar that maybe reminded me of more fun times in my life.... blah blah blah.... i guess i'm just scared that i don't have it in me to change... to do better for myself... i feel like i'm never going to make the effort... i'm not sure what it is that holds me back... why am i so afraid? what am i so afraid of? failure? looking like an idiot? the years are kinda flying by already and i'm only 26... this is not old... yet it feels old.... how am i going to feel 5 years from now if i'm still sitting here like this... that should be my fucking motivation huh.... what the fuck yo.... i need to get a life and quick....
which brings me to my lovelife... my girlfriend.... what am i doing? i am not in love.... i want to be so badly.... i don't know if i will ever fall in love with michele... but i do care about her.... and i like hanging out with her.... but there is just so much lacking from the relationship.... well not even that there's a lot lacking... but something is definitely missing... maybe it's the fact that we disagree on a lot of political/social type issues... but i mean, jesus... i can't believe that it is only that that keeps me from falling.... maybe it's the age difference... i don't think so... i think i just am embarassed by her for some reason... like she's embarassing.... i don't know... she's just got this really overwhelming personality at times and she's like a polar opposite of me... whereas i'm completely laidback, to laidback at times... she's in your face... she freaks people out sometimes... she's really intense.... sometimes i say to myself, just get over yourself jeannie... she's a great woman and she totally loves me and would do just about anything for me.... the thing is.... i'm just not that motivated in return... and that's not fair to her... i'm trying to be.... it's like... i don't know if i'm just not motivated at all in general with anything or if it's just her.... like the last time i was really goo goo over anyone where i would drop whatever i was doing was for kris... i was just a big mush for her.... but that was before i met michele... i haven't been mush since kris... and that never went anywhere but friendship... which i adore... wouldn't trade that friendship for anything... although i do wish i had just kissed her that one night at the bar.... she said she was waiting for it that night... i was just too much of a good girl.... and i liked her g/f at the time... didn't want to be that girl....
but damn... ::::: tongue hangs out of mouth ::::::: she really had me wrapped around her finger.... she has that affect on lots of people though, so i don't know... hee he... she's a great friend, and that's very very cool... back to the point....
i'm not goo goo over michele... but i'm wondering if i've just shut off my goo goo to anyone.... i haven't come across anyone who made me go goo goo since kris... i mean bumping into margaret again was amazing... and she gives me those little chills... but that's an old school crush revisited.... i have no trust in my feelings.... i think i've really lost myself... i'm not sure that i know who i am... actually... i know who i am... i'm a person without goals and aims... that's what i need to do.... i need to make some plans.... goals.... do something.... i need to figure out what kind of occupation field i want to drift towards... a good job would really help my outlook on things.... i miss ipi for one reason only.... my co-workers... well a handful of them anyway.... utopia and ipi... jobs that were well worth the hell because of the friends i made and good times i had.... i need to find a job that doesn't make me feel like shit for 9 hours a day...
i wish i could do what brian did and run away and be a buddhist for awhile... hee hee... go do yoga in massachussettes... this boy has been in colorado, then back in new york, then back out to colorado, then back to new york, then down to florida, then back to new york, then up to massachussettes, then back to new york, then back to colorado then out to arizona.... what the fuck? i can't keep up with this boy... and i still owe him a phone call... i keep forgetting... damn! i am so bad with calling people.. i owe sabrina a call as well... i hate the phone... my life right now consists of working, smoking pot, playing video games, going online, going to Antigone Rising shows, going to yonkers and watching tv... hmmm, did i forget anything? no, not really.... oh, i did have starbucks with amy the other night... probably my first social event with someone other than my family outside of my house that wasn't an AR show in like... um, forever.... thank you amy for breaking the string......... fucking A....
i guess i've been hiding because i'm always stoned... and i feel like a loser... so i just hide and smoke... bad news man... so lame.... i'm like a fucking druggy loser... that needs to stop.... i need to do normal nighttime activities during the week... go out, get some shopping done... clean up around the house... get the place organized... make it more presentable and nice... there are so many productive things i could do at night other than what i do, which is smoke and do nothing.... i'm hoping that the spring will aid in this slow change... man my dog is being a bitch tonight.. she will not stop the little muffled ruff thing... it's like :::: mmmmmufff.. muuuuff.... mmmmm... ufff :::: i'm like, shut up already!
yes i can still go on about my lame-ass life even as we are in iraq dropping bombs and losing soldiers.... peace is patriotic people... being against the war is being for the soldiers... no war, no danger for our soldiers.... the more we continue to go on the offensive... this time for really no good reason in any other countries eyes... we are not smothering terrorism, we are feeding the fucking beast... terrorists are not jealous people, they are angry people... this war was nothing but a catalyst for more damage in the future... people just don't get it.... we are not going to ever stop terrorism... not when we continue to terrorize and be hypocritical in our foreign policy.... if we are attacking iraq for breaking UN treaty agreements... then what the hell is the deal with us being Israel's best friend.... this countries government does whatever is best for its pocket....
but what can i say... what would i do if the government actually sat down and decided to do the right thing all across the board (i just got interrupted by kris, yes the goo goo kris - don't know if i can get this thread back but i'll try) so yeah, if the u.s. government rolled over and played nice the way all of us liberals want... well not really nice... but if they turned their backs on all the countries that we "wrongfully" support... we could be looking at some serious issues anyway... but if we are big tough america... why should we be afraid of doing the right thing.... why... because the right thing might not be $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$beneficial$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ to those in control..... it's all about the benjamins right.... must be... because it certainly isn't about what's right and wrong.... Israel just ran over one of our own citizens who was standing in front of a Palestinian home to protect it from being bulldozed... this is not an exaggeration.... i saw the pictures from the incident... it's sick... the guy just bulldozed the girl... she was flattened like a pancake... unreal... i couldn't believe what i was seeing... my stomach turned... if only all of us peace loving people could break off and buy some sovereign land somewhere and have a peaceful nation that was neutral and untouchable by any foreign hands... impossible of course... because the greed mongers out there... the powers that be... they couldn't have a self-sufficient entity out there... those people are lost money to them...
ahhhh... seems i was able to get that thread back after all... well... i'm done politicking for one night.... kris is great to talk to when you're in a funk... we usually have at least a few good laughs... ends up she and heather were at simples.... probably a good thing i got her voicemail... i probably would have gotten too much of my drink on tonight... with the hyper mood i was in.... and the day i've had... i think my luck may just have run out on the ride home from farmingdale... i had too many close calls today on the road it seems.... walking the dog tonight was definitely the wise choice!
so there was my, i don't know, quarterly journal entry? i hope to write more often in the coming present... whatever that means.... it means i couldn't decide on a unit of time... words are great aren't they... they really make a page!
peace!
i've been hiding away from the world for awhile now i guess... out of a combination of selfishness, laziness, unhappiness and dissatisfaction... i don't know... something like that.... if i am to be perfectly honest.... i'm feeling like quite the loser some days... i'm taking absolutely no steps towards really changing anything in my life... i mean i stopped smoking cigarettes again on friday... but this is not going to solve my problems... .it is a small step somewhere i guess.... it feels like for the last i don't know how many months all i've been doing is working monday thru friday 8:30am to 5:30pm, coming home and getting high, going online and blocking the world and just doing AR stuff and talking to michele... or playing TOMB RAIDER on playstation... hello? how old am i? i'm going to be 27 years old in a couple of months... good lord it's creeping up quickly... what am i doing? i'm living home with my mom, paying rent at least, but still... i really need to get out of here.... i need my own place again... i miss having an apartment... but then something like tonight happens.... i'm home, there is absolutely nothing on tv that is of interest to me, i'm tired of being on the computer... i don't feel like driving anywhere because i know it will get me depressed because i'd just drive somewhere old and familiar that maybe reminded me of more fun times in my life.... blah blah blah.... i guess i'm just scared that i don't have it in me to change... to do better for myself... i feel like i'm never going to make the effort... i'm not sure what it is that holds me back... why am i so afraid? what am i so afraid of? failure? looking like an idiot? the years are kinda flying by already and i'm only 26... this is not old... yet it feels old.... how am i going to feel 5 years from now if i'm still sitting here like this... that should be my fucking motivation huh.... what the fuck yo.... i need to get a life and quick....
which brings me to my lovelife... my girlfriend.... what am i doing? i am not in love.... i want to be so badly.... i don't know if i will ever fall in love with michele... but i do care about her.... and i like hanging out with her.... but there is just so much lacking from the relationship.... well not even that there's a lot lacking... but something is definitely missing... maybe it's the fact that we disagree on a lot of political/social type issues... but i mean, jesus... i can't believe that it is only that that keeps me from falling.... maybe it's the age difference... i don't think so... i think i just am embarassed by her for some reason... like she's embarassing.... i don't know... she's just got this really overwhelming personality at times and she's like a polar opposite of me... whereas i'm completely laidback, to laidback at times... she's in your face... she freaks people out sometimes... she's really intense.... sometimes i say to myself, just get over yourself jeannie... she's a great woman and she totally loves me and would do just about anything for me.... the thing is.... i'm just not that motivated in return... and that's not fair to her... i'm trying to be.... it's like... i don't know if i'm just not motivated at all in general with anything or if it's just her.... like the last time i was really goo goo over anyone where i would drop whatever i was doing was for kris... i was just a big mush for her.... but that was before i met michele... i haven't been mush since kris... and that never went anywhere but friendship... which i adore... wouldn't trade that friendship for anything... although i do wish i had just kissed her that one night at the bar.... she said she was waiting for it that night... i was just too much of a good girl.... and i liked her g/f at the time... didn't want to be that girl....
but damn... ::::: tongue hangs out of mouth ::::::: she really had me wrapped around her finger.... she has that affect on lots of people though, so i don't know... hee he... she's a great friend, and that's very very cool... back to the point....
i'm not goo goo over michele... but i'm wondering if i've just shut off my goo goo to anyone.... i haven't come across anyone who made me go goo goo since kris... i mean bumping into margaret again was amazing... and she gives me those little chills... but that's an old school crush revisited.... i have no trust in my feelings.... i think i've really lost myself... i'm not sure that i know who i am... actually... i know who i am... i'm a person without goals and aims... that's what i need to do.... i need to make some plans.... goals.... do something.... i need to figure out what kind of occupation field i want to drift towards... a good job would really help my outlook on things.... i miss ipi for one reason only.... my co-workers... well a handful of them anyway.... utopia and ipi... jobs that were well worth the hell because of the friends i made and good times i had.... i need to find a job that doesn't make me feel like shit for 9 hours a day...
i wish i could do what brian did and run away and be a buddhist for awhile... hee hee... go do yoga in massachussettes... this boy has been in colorado, then back in new york, then back out to colorado, then back to new york, then down to florida, then back to new york, then up to massachussettes, then back to new york, then back to colorado then out to arizona.... what the fuck? i can't keep up with this boy... and i still owe him a phone call... i keep forgetting... damn! i am so bad with calling people.. i owe sabrina a call as well... i hate the phone... my life right now consists of working, smoking pot, playing video games, going online, going to Antigone Rising shows, going to yonkers and watching tv... hmmm, did i forget anything? no, not really.... oh, i did have starbucks with amy the other night... probably my first social event with someone other than my family outside of my house that wasn't an AR show in like... um, forever.... thank you amy for breaking the string......... fucking A....
i guess i've been hiding because i'm always stoned... and i feel like a loser... so i just hide and smoke... bad news man... so lame.... i'm like a fucking druggy loser... that needs to stop.... i need to do normal nighttime activities during the week... go out, get some shopping done... clean up around the house... get the place organized... make it more presentable and nice... there are so many productive things i could do at night other than what i do, which is smoke and do nothing.... i'm hoping that the spring will aid in this slow change... man my dog is being a bitch tonight.. she will not stop the little muffled ruff thing... it's like :::: mmmmmufff.. muuuuff.... mmmmm... ufff :::: i'm like, shut up already!
yes i can still go on about my lame-ass life even as we are in iraq dropping bombs and losing soldiers.... peace is patriotic people... being against the war is being for the soldiers... no war, no danger for our soldiers.... the more we continue to go on the offensive... this time for really no good reason in any other countries eyes... we are not smothering terrorism, we are feeding the fucking beast... terrorists are not jealous people, they are angry people... this war was nothing but a catalyst for more damage in the future... people just don't get it.... we are not going to ever stop terrorism... not when we continue to terrorize and be hypocritical in our foreign policy.... if we are attacking iraq for breaking UN treaty agreements... then what the hell is the deal with us being Israel's best friend.... this countries government does whatever is best for its pocket....
but what can i say... what would i do if the government actually sat down and decided to do the right thing all across the board (i just got interrupted by kris, yes the goo goo kris - don't know if i can get this thread back but i'll try) so yeah, if the u.s. government rolled over and played nice the way all of us liberals want... well not really nice... but if they turned their backs on all the countries that we "wrongfully" support... we could be looking at some serious issues anyway... but if we are big tough america... why should we be afraid of doing the right thing.... why... because the right thing might not be $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$beneficial$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ to those in control..... it's all about the benjamins right.... must be... because it certainly isn't about what's right and wrong.... Israel just ran over one of our own citizens who was standing in front of a Palestinian home to protect it from being bulldozed... this is not an exaggeration.... i saw the pictures from the incident... it's sick... the guy just bulldozed the girl... she was flattened like a pancake... unreal... i couldn't believe what i was seeing... my stomach turned... if only all of us peace loving people could break off and buy some sovereign land somewhere and have a peaceful nation that was neutral and untouchable by any foreign hands... impossible of course... because the greed mongers out there... the powers that be... they couldn't have a self-sufficient entity out there... those people are lost money to them...
ahhhh... seems i was able to get that thread back after all... well... i'm done politicking for one night.... kris is great to talk to when you're in a funk... we usually have at least a few good laughs... ends up she and heather were at simples.... probably a good thing i got her voicemail... i probably would have gotten too much of my drink on tonight... with the hyper mood i was in.... and the day i've had... i think my luck may just have run out on the ride home from farmingdale... i had too many close calls today on the road it seems.... walking the dog tonight was definitely the wise choice!
so there was my, i don't know, quarterly journal entry? i hope to write more often in the coming present... whatever that means.... it means i couldn't decide on a unit of time... words are great aren't they... they really make a page!
peace!