Thoughts/Longing for Alcohol
It's getting really close to Thanksgiving. It's at this time that I feel that everyone has a plan for Thanksgiving except for me. People are going home, doing other things or just about anything really. I'm supposed to be going to the Miramichi to visit with everyone but I'm not so sure that's gonna be a shit load of fun. What I really want to do is get incredibly wasted the entire weekend, morning, afternoon and night. I feel like I'm starting to turn into an alcoholic. It's like I do what I have to do to get by and I'm just waiting for that drop of rum to hit my tongue and ever so gradually lose control. Maybe it's all the problems that I've been running into recently with everything. Curling would be one of them. And then school, everytime I get something done I have to do something else that takes hours and hours and I really could care less about it at the moment. I don't feel like I have a plan like everyone else. Everyone knows what they want, knows what they want to do each weekend. They know that they're gonna have something waiting for them. They know. To quote myself last year: This is the kind of thing that makes you feel like you know nothing. It just seems that I'm not all that close to a lot of people. My closest friend is Tyler and I see him a lot. Asides from that I have a lot of friends that I know fairly well and have a good time with but I'm thinking that I can't rely on them all the time.
I was going through my yearbook and someone I'm friends with and haven't talked to in a while said that they felt like they didn't really know me that well. That was almost 2 years ago. Imagine what it's like now. I don't want to be the person that everyone just kind of knew. I don't know, maybe I was distant, maybe I wasn't making enough of an effort to let people know me. It seems like everytime I let someone know everything about me I get burned royally for doing it. This happens without fail, time and time again. Now I may not have the highest GPA, but I consider myself to be a pretty smart person. I know to learn from my mistakes. Someone will say that I was just unlucky with those people, but my brain is telling me not to repeat those mistakes. I don't tell people everything about me just to get burned after a while. But I suppose that 60-70% of people are probably all heartless anyway, so there is no correct choice. Well, I guess there's one person I could always count on. It's just that I don't need someone to count on, I need more richness in my life. No offense meant to my good good friend, I tell you everything and you never burned me. I know you'll be reading this at some point, probably when you get back. Even so, I've done a lot of growing as a person ever since I left high school. I'm just wondering if it'll ever benefit me.
Maybe that's why I always feel like drinking. Maybe it's just to get away from everything and my extremely long spell of bad luck (we're talkin years here people). There are so many people worried about alcoholism, but in my case I'm gonna say fuck it and drink myself silly as often as I can and as often as I feel like it. I don't have a lot of constants in my life and whatever constants I did have seem to be going away so fast now. If alcohol is one constant I can rely on to let me forget that everything's slippng away (in a sense, i'm not psycho, just tend to place too high an importance on things) then I don't see the problem with me using it as often as I can.
I was going through my yearbook and someone I'm friends with and haven't talked to in a while said that they felt like they didn't really know me that well. That was almost 2 years ago. Imagine what it's like now. I don't want to be the person that everyone just kind of knew. I don't know, maybe I was distant, maybe I wasn't making enough of an effort to let people know me. It seems like everytime I let someone know everything about me I get burned royally for doing it. This happens without fail, time and time again. Now I may not have the highest GPA, but I consider myself to be a pretty smart person. I know to learn from my mistakes. Someone will say that I was just unlucky with those people, but my brain is telling me not to repeat those mistakes. I don't tell people everything about me just to get burned after a while. But I suppose that 60-70% of people are probably all heartless anyway, so there is no correct choice. Well, I guess there's one person I could always count on. It's just that I don't need someone to count on, I need more richness in my life. No offense meant to my good good friend, I tell you everything and you never burned me. I know you'll be reading this at some point, probably when you get back. Even so, I've done a lot of growing as a person ever since I left high school. I'm just wondering if it'll ever benefit me.
Maybe that's why I always feel like drinking. Maybe it's just to get away from everything and my extremely long spell of bad luck (we're talkin years here people). There are so many people worried about alcoholism, but in my case I'm gonna say fuck it and drink myself silly as often as I can and as often as I feel like it. I don't have a lot of constants in my life and whatever constants I did have seem to be going away so fast now. If alcohol is one constant I can rely on to let me forget that everything's slippng away (in a sense, i'm not psycho, just tend to place too high an importance on things) then I don't see the problem with me using it as often as I can.