Fan Fic: "To Pass The Final Frontier"
Title: “To Pass The Final Frontier”
Author: Tyler Lehane
Rating: NC-17 (due to possible psychological distress)
Characters: Leonard H. McCoy, James T. "Jim" Kirk, Joanna, Jocelyn (all of them mentioned), original female character, original male character
Warnings: character death, hurt / comfort
Word Count: 4.429
Summary: There is a man Leonard H. McCoy could have been and the man he turned out to be. This is referring to his possible role as a father, his role as a friend and lover. This little piece is written from the point of view of an original character: one which got to know the depths of Leonard’s soul, but also those of Jim’s soul. She’s trying to puzzle together what they all mean to each other.
Author’s Note: Today’s Father’s Day in some parts of the world. This and a current role-playing game I’m on inspired me to write this little fic. Thanks to my partner in crime and duty of enjoying to role-play together. Your inspiration kind of stuck with me so I jumped and created my first Star Trek fan fic ever. Even more so I did something, I usually dislike doing: I added original characters to the story. I hope this doesn’t scare off too many readers.
Also: I didn’t have a beta-reader and I’m not a native speaker, so please bear with my mistakes.
When I wrote the story I majorly thought about AOS with little tendencies to TOS, but I also mixed in another additional piece of reality so just go for reading it without being too fixed on the official versions.
Disclaimer: This has gotten written for pure entertainment and enjoyment. I don’t own any rights on the characters (accept of the two original ones) or anything else related to the Star Trek franchise. And boy do I wish I would…. ;-)
*************
Today marks the third birthday of your son, Leonard. Unsurprisingly you haven’t been around to celebrate it. You never were around for any of your child’s birthday parties.
I can’t blame you. Who could?
After all it’s not like you’re a bad father. You never were despite what you may think. Quite on the contrary: I always thought you’d be a good father. Sure, you’ve made mistakes in the past, which led to what felt like a final cut between you and your daughter Joanna, but in the end we both knew this wasn’t based only on what you have added to that. Rational thinking told you that your ex-wife Jocelyn has been involved in this disaster just as much. Yet you liked to take the blame. Why? I don’t know. My suggestion as someone close to you is that you never managed to deal with what you have done to your father and that you therefore are predestinated to easily slip into guilt pangs.
I still believe you have settled for what has felt right for you back then when you made the decision. He had suffered and he wanted to die. You just pulled the trigger of the gun he had pointed at his head himself. It just needed you to release the barrel.
It takes a lot of love to end the life of someone one loves that dearly to find the courage to prevent that person from continuing to suffer in agony. By helping your father to no longer dance on that thin rope between Life and Death - hell, you gave him a good push into the direction, which ended it all - you overcame your own fear of losing him. Well, maybe it was not so much overcoming that fear than to bring up the courage to walk through a valley of pain, which you knew would follow your actions.
You’ve always been a physician by heart. One could tell from the way you cared, which usually was well hidden beneath the rough surface of a man, who had seen too much and tried to just get along with starting anew at a point of your life and career, which shouldn’t have loaded with such a heavy burden. It hasn’t been fair, but I take it life is that way.
As someone, who had gotten the chance to attend to med school, graduating with marks, which could resemble your own, I’d say you suffered the first trauma when you helped your father slip into death. It was followed by an even bigger one the day you had to figure that a cure against his sickness had been found and you killed him too soon to make use of it. That was a weight, which honestly spoken I never thought, you managed to carry.
The man, who had been filled with so much love turned into a grieving mess, which was tormented with self-pity. That man turned into someone cynical, who never could refrain too well from letting his sarcasm slip whenever you felt it was needed to change a situation to the better.
You’ve tried to harden your heart and suppress whatever made you feel at a losing end when it came to the fight against your past. This sort of reaction didn’t surprise me as it is quite common for people, who suffer from a post-traumatic stress disorder. In fact I would have been more surprised, if you’d have managed to get around this symptom.
When I think back of the past we shared and the many times I assisted you at sickbay, I find myself thinking of me as woman and physician who often wondered about how many of your patients possibly had a clue of the fact that their doctor, had to deal with such a terrifying sickness.
You didn’t allow yourself to heal, because the love for the people you’ve hurt has been so strong you didn’t want to put any burden on them by sharing the blame. Good God, Leonard… You’ve been way too good for this world!
I saw your reactions on everything, which had just the slightest bit to do with Jo. When you called home and your ex-wife didn’t allow you to talk to Jo, you felt devastated. You loved your daughter so much and wanted to be there for her. Yet I never saw you fighting for your daughter the way you could have been.
Leonard, you knew that law was on your side as the child of a divorced or otherwise separated couple has the right to stay in contact with both parents. It would have taken just a little court procedure to stop your ex-wife from acting like she did. Then again you didn’t mean to hurt her nor did you want to put any stress and emotional pain on Jo.
You rather stayed away from your daughter, although it was killing you inside.
Family always has been important for you. Irony fucked this up pretty bad. Not only did your past look like a mess, your future got ruined, too.
I’m still part of the crew of the USS Enterprise, Leonard. Our captain has allowed me to stay and although I’m taking care of our child, I’m serving at sickbay as often as I can.
It all started when our son was about 6 months old. Sitting around all day had brought me down to my knees, although being there for our child feels absolutely great. I just… I needed something else to do and to keep my mind off the pain I feel inside whenever I have to think of you, which basically is all day long.
As a start I assisted other physicians by jumping into the role of a nurse. It’s been way beneath what my education and title allows me to do, but like that it wasn’t too bad, if I had to cancel a shift spontaneously due to responsible matters concerning our son.
Once I had found back to a certain pace I decided to go back to doctor’s duty and I was taking care of more challenging work again.
When our son was sleeping from the early evening on I went through diagnoses, checked the proceeding of treatments on patients or had discussions with other physicians about how to deal with new and unknown diseases we came across on our journey through this big and never-ending universe.
Whenever I could work from my room I did exactly that as I disliked - and up to today still dislike- to let other people take care of our son. A few nurses use to babysit our child every once in a while, because things don’t work out differently on times. I’m scared to lose him, too and I’m scared that someone could hurt him. That’s why I rather be with our son myself. There’s an ever-present fear of losing our son, but I try to not be too over-protective, because I know it wouldn’t be any good for him.
After trying to work in this better, but still unsatisfying position, I decided to try to push things further.
I went back to a more steady work as the physician I became after completing med school and Starfleet Academy programs. My space of work shifted back to be sickbay again. Over there I perform normal checkups, treat minor diseases and slight injuries and do what can be done with our son sleeping in a quiet corner of the room, patient and our kid hidden from each other by some curtains. Keeping him close like this allows me to have an eye on him while being at work until he’ll be old enough to let his mommy work and keeping himself busy while I’m away.
Sometimes my shift switches to the times of day in which our son isn’t asleep, he’s sitting in the back of the room to draw pictures or play with various toys.
I’m glad that most of the crew members and civilians on board acted very understanding concerning our position right from the beginning.
The beginning I’m talking about… it has felt like a dead end for me.
I know you’d be proud of me for not going down with this and just trying to push through. That’s what you, Jim and I always had in common. We’re fighters. Every one of us has one’s own style, but in the end we’re all suppressing our darkest fears and our pain. I think we all always knew what we are doing isn’t fairly healthy, but our sense of surviving makes us push forward. Somehow we always managed to go with that.
Maybe the only thing, which keeps us from drowning, is that we are aware of what we are doing. No matter if we’re talking about you, Jim or I, we all always were aware of our troubles and the unhealthy balance we were living. Maybe knowing about our struggle is what keeps us alive in the very end.
We know that we aren’t completely healthy, but we understand just enough of what’s going on with us to use this understanding to make us cope and come up with decisions, which sometimes are a bit over the edge, but in the end manage to help us.
God, I wish this would still count for you…
Jim is missing you like crazy, Leonard, and so do I.
You preferred to live in the here and now, despite those little flashbacks from the past, which hunt every human being every once in a while. Yet I know you’ve been worried about this. You’ve been worried about what would happen to me, your fiancée, and your unborn child, in case you’d have to leave us alone. But I also know you’ve worried about Jim just the same.
The love between you guys has been mutual and it’s always been stronger than just friendship. I wouldn’t say it’s been boys love, but it also was stronger than friendship. If there is something like this, I’d say the Universe designed the two of you to be made for each other.
How did it start? I don’t know. You’ve told me about how you met Jim a thousand times.
You were going on board of that shuttle at Riverside Shipyard with nothing left but your hopes and dreams for a better future and even those were quite broken.
It turned out you found someone, who was an equal mess like you.
The two of you met and never parted again ever since. Until…
Only to think about it, is making my heart feel like it’s getting wrenched by a giant fist, which belongs to something too big to fight.
I’ll never forget that one night, in which Jim stood in front of our door. He knocked. Despite all the techniques he used that old fashioned way of making his appearance known. I went to bed early that night, because I didn’t feel too well. My hormones were giving me some hard time and I had thought that sleep possibly would be the best decision.
I remember how I opened the door being dressed in nothing but a tank top and panties. The knocking had ripped me straight out of my comfortable dullness. Something about it had felt bad from the very beginning. Never would I have expected Jim to stand in front of the door at this time a day without you either being home or with him.
If you’d have been with him, he wouldn’t have knocked.
That kid had a tendency to break into your apartment at Starfleet campus or your rooms on board of the ship anyway.
Just like I he had a reason to come and go like it would be the most normal thing to do so. I couldn’t blame him nor could I be mad, if he accidently - or sometimes not sooo very accidently - interrupted us in our comfortable closeness.
That kid surely has some annoying traits, but you made me see beyond the surface very quickly and I learned to understand him, just like you’ve done before. Jim needed you just like I did need you.
At some point I just understood that this never would be just you and I and our child. Jim would stick to us like a stray, which one had fed once too often. Only that the food we were giving him was not only the one he used to snatch from your fridge, but also love and understanding.
You loved that kid, so how should I have been able to not fall for him, too.
Sometimes I still wonder if it was only a real deep and big friendship kind of love we have felt for him, or whether things were actually taking place at a higher level. Whatever it was: I never felt bothered by having him around.
Nor did I feel bothered when you suggested naming our first child, our boy, after him.
In the first moment your request - and I know it had been more than just a request - had caught me by surprise, but understanding sank in quickly and it all made sense. Jim was part of our crazy little family. You loved him, I loved him and both of us wanted our child to become a little bit like him, even if this would sound ridiculous to most peoples’ ears, especially if those are pointy.
Seeing Jim standing in front of my doors, his eyes red from crying, shoulders slumped and tears still streaming down his face realization hit me sooner than his words.
“He’s dead…,” was all he could say.
Jim couldn’t have made any more careful and supportive approach, because this new kind of reality hit him just as much as it hit me.
Jim stumbled into my arms and all I could do was to wrap my arms around him and support his weight. I’ve never seen this kid being so devastated and close to an emotional collapse ever before.
Realization of what his words meant sank in quickly. They had been nurtured by the tremendous sick feeling in my stomach, which I’ve had ever since the knocking on the door had pierced the silence within the walls of your private rooms.
There were a thousand thoughts running through my head and none of them made much sense. I was wondering how Jim knew that I had been staying at your rooms, but it was fairly logical considering the fact that this had been where the three of us had hung out at the most. Adding to that I was your fiancée so where else should I have been, even more so since Jim knew perfectly well you and I used to stay at your place, making it ours, rather than to spend time in my room.
I also remembered the way you’ve combed your hair when you had left for your shift in the morning. Every yet so little movement of arranging your uniform before you left was replaying in front of my inner eye. The kiss we had shared shortly before you rushed out of the door was what stayed put the most.
Did I say I’ve had a thousand of illogical thoughts while my mind, body and soul tried to register that you’d be gone forever? Make it a million. Neither of them managed to dull the pain or prevent my tears from falling.
As if reality would alter, if I wouldn’t give in to the news, I had to speak up.
“Wha~aat…?”
My question must have made things even harder for Jim. After all it demanded some more explaining of things, which he couldn’t put more details to at the moment given. His own pain was over-whelming and he must have felt the trust into the future slip as far away as it slipped away from me the moment he voiced your name.
“Bones…”
The name was a tease and sign of affection at once. Jim once called you like that and it got stuck. You complained about it a lot, but I knew, and I bet Jim did know too, that secretly you liked it.
To hear it in this very moment felt fucking wrong.
Someway Jim was able to pass on some more information, incoherently mumbling something about a transporter malfunction. At that moment I didn’t know why you had to use the transporter at all, whether Jim or anyone else did join you and whether you’ve been the only one to get lost forever, but what did it count?!
My legs felt like giving in while Jim mumbled something about you always voicing your distrust of things like these and how bad it was that in the end such a thing had caused your death.
Despite the fog in my mind I sensed that there was a danger of him putting unnecessary blame onto his own shoulders when he cried about how he had used to tease you about your aversion of using the transporter.
I don’t know how, but somehow I managed to tell him to not go there and bring himself down, while I was dragging both of us to bed, where we stayed for the rest of the night, close, connected, cuddled up to each other, crying in each other’s arms, just trying to find a way to deal with the enormous pain of losing you.
I wouldn’t consider it a lie to say we both were equally desperate and scared. Jim had just lost the very one person, which he loved dearly and which he allowed to love him back in return. With you he lost his best friend, his family and possibly also a huge part of his reason to believe.
I lost my fiancé, the father of my unborn child and the person I loved more than anyone else.
Somehow we managed to get by.
The first morning after you’ve passed away, I asked Captain Jim to allow me and our child to stay on board of the USS Enterprise. He was reluctant at first.
I told him you wanted our son to be somewhat like him and that you had hoped that Jim would be able to teach our son to not be scared of flying and space like you were.
Jim always had been fascinated by space, by going there and maybe make a change and I knew you secretly envied him for that.
Oh well, you managed to endure space, made friends with it and became a great member of Starfleet, but a dull feeling of distrust remained somewhere hidden inside of you.
You knew that Jim had his very own fears to face, too, but you wanted to enable our child to go anywhere as a grown up without being bound due to any restrictions from fears like not wanting to fly or pass space and time. It was something you had hoped Jim to teach our son and I knew you told him all that.
Jim told me that living on Earth or a colony would be safer for our son and me. He’s been right about that, yet I felt even more of my world breaking apart by the prospect of him denying my request in the role of the Captain of the USS Enterprise. To my relief he didn’t, although I know he’s been close.
Of course it would have been easier for him to suppress your loss, if our son and I wouldn’t stick around, but bastard that you are, you bound each of us to a promise: to watch out for each other.
There is no way to watch Jim, if he’s not around and the same works into the other direction.
You possibly knew we’d fall apart without you, if adding to your loss we’d also lose our homes and friendship.
Neither of us could break a promise, which we’ve given to you, Leonard. We both love you too much to fall for it.
It seems like Jim and I will be bound to each other in a way.
I named our son Jim, Leonard. I stuck to that promise. For a while I was pondering about adding your first name as his second name, but I retreated from that step. Our boy shall have a future of his own without having to live in the shadow of his daddy.
Am I telling him the truth about what has happened? Yes, I do. I know he’s still too young to understand, but some day he will. I’ll be there to tell him all the great stories about his wonderful daddy - a man, who had so much love inside of him and a man, who has loved his unborn child.
I feel weirdly reminded of Jim’s biography here, Leonard. I don’t want our son to live in your shadow, nor do I want him to ponder about how much love you could have given to him or how things could have turned out all differently, if you’d have been there. I don’t want little Jim to live with a riddle and a mystery, which is his daddy. I owe him to tell him whatever I can so he gets an understanding for the man you were. No questions shall be left at this and I know our big boy Jim will help me to make the missing puzzle pieces fall into place.
Jim’s not talking a lot about you, Leonard, but I know he’s missing you and thinking about you every day just as I do. It’s just his way of dealing, but… you already know that. And you know… When the moment’s right, I’m sure he will tell our son what great addition to the crew of the USS Enterprise and what a great friend you have been. He won’t skip out on the teasing, which always went on between the two of you, neither.
We once kissed, Leonard. I felt lonely, weary and sad and I couldn’t help but to lean in and kiss Jim.
He didn’t take it well. I think he’s afraid to mess with your friendship, if he’d go to those lengths with me. I know a little better, because I feel that you’d be happy to know the people you loved most would share a future rather than to fade away on their own.
I’ll watch out for them, Leonard: for our son and Jim.
There are two Jims in my life now. It feels a little weird on times, but looking at your son I get the feeling that he’ll be a stubborn thickhead like the big version of Jim someday. You’d like that, because just like Jim our little boy’s good at heart. He’ll make it big someday. He likes to play with your medical tricorder, you know?! Maybe he’ll become an excellent physician like you once he’s grown up. However I certainly will not force him into it. You wouldn’t have done it neither as he’s supposed to go his own way.
He’s looking much more like me than like you. If you’d have seen him for the first time after birth you’d probably have chuckled and joked about how sons usually aim after the mother while daughters aim after their daddies. You’d have said that after a patient of you would have given birth, too. A mischievous grin would have spread on your lips and you’d have leaned back to watch the new life, pretending that you’re the cool physician while inwardly you’d have felt filled with joy.
I’m in contact with Jo now, Leonard. I had some talks with your ex-wife in order to clear some things up and tell her how much you have changed from the man she couldn’t stand to live with from a certain point anymore. I did what you couldn’t do, Leonard. Not only lil’ Jim, but Jo too, should know how great their daddy has been.
The five year mission we went on together is coming to end, Leonard.
I’m turning older. I haven’t reached the magical 30 years of age mark yet, but I will. While I’m getting older I hope to see your children grow up and I will tell them many stories about their daddy as I aim to stick around here for a little bit longer.
How I am doing? I cry myself to sleep every night, but that’s okay. I can deal. I’ve always did it. WE always did it. Jim will be okay, too…
I have to admit that I’m afraid of the future. I don’t know what will happen when this mission is going to be over. We will return to Earth to report in, go through the revelations our journey has given to us. I always imagined you’d be with us when we’d set our feet onto the Earth again. You would have been so happy to be out of the ship, back on solid ground. But work would have called us back after a while and we’d have set feet back onto a ship - most likely the USS Enterprise again, since it’s Jim’s ship and he wouldn’t let us go. He did well so far. He turned out to be an excellent Captain. Still he didn’t lose himself in the process. He just grew up a little.
It would be easy to stay on Earth together with our son, but you and I know I’ll join Jim for the next adventure. Our son will be comfortable on board. More children have been born on board in the past years and he won’t be the only kid around.
You’ve left and life will go on without you. Somehow. It has to.
When I close my eyes I pretend that the transporter hasn’t swallowed the many pieces of you.
I pretend that you’re still dangling in the air, being able to surround us all.
I like to imagine that your son, Jim or I can feel you, if we close our eyes and concentrate onto you.
Wherever you went, Leonard…I hope you completely overcame your fear of flying by now. May you spread your wings and dance in the sky, in the black of space, all over the width of the universe, which is endless like my love for you. I hope you’ve left all your burdens and fears behind. You don’t need them anymore.
Don’t worry about us. We’ll be fine. We’ll watch out for each other and give wings to the new generation.
Until we meet again… My love will be eternally your’s,
Ty
Author: Tyler Lehane
Rating: NC-17 (due to possible psychological distress)
Characters: Leonard H. McCoy, James T. "Jim" Kirk, Joanna, Jocelyn (all of them mentioned), original female character, original male character
Warnings: character death, hurt / comfort
Word Count: 4.429
Summary: There is a man Leonard H. McCoy could have been and the man he turned out to be. This is referring to his possible role as a father, his role as a friend and lover. This little piece is written from the point of view of an original character: one which got to know the depths of Leonard’s soul, but also those of Jim’s soul. She’s trying to puzzle together what they all mean to each other.
Author’s Note: Today’s Father’s Day in some parts of the world. This and a current role-playing game I’m on inspired me to write this little fic. Thanks to my partner in crime and duty of enjoying to role-play together. Your inspiration kind of stuck with me so I jumped and created my first Star Trek fan fic ever. Even more so I did something, I usually dislike doing: I added original characters to the story. I hope this doesn’t scare off too many readers.
Also: I didn’t have a beta-reader and I’m not a native speaker, so please bear with my mistakes.
When I wrote the story I majorly thought about AOS with little tendencies to TOS, but I also mixed in another additional piece of reality so just go for reading it without being too fixed on the official versions.
Disclaimer: This has gotten written for pure entertainment and enjoyment. I don’t own any rights on the characters (accept of the two original ones) or anything else related to the Star Trek franchise. And boy do I wish I would…. ;-)
*************
Today marks the third birthday of your son, Leonard. Unsurprisingly you haven’t been around to celebrate it. You never were around for any of your child’s birthday parties.
I can’t blame you. Who could?
After all it’s not like you’re a bad father. You never were despite what you may think. Quite on the contrary: I always thought you’d be a good father. Sure, you’ve made mistakes in the past, which led to what felt like a final cut between you and your daughter Joanna, but in the end we both knew this wasn’t based only on what you have added to that. Rational thinking told you that your ex-wife Jocelyn has been involved in this disaster just as much. Yet you liked to take the blame. Why? I don’t know. My suggestion as someone close to you is that you never managed to deal with what you have done to your father and that you therefore are predestinated to easily slip into guilt pangs.
I still believe you have settled for what has felt right for you back then when you made the decision. He had suffered and he wanted to die. You just pulled the trigger of the gun he had pointed at his head himself. It just needed you to release the barrel.
It takes a lot of love to end the life of someone one loves that dearly to find the courage to prevent that person from continuing to suffer in agony. By helping your father to no longer dance on that thin rope between Life and Death - hell, you gave him a good push into the direction, which ended it all - you overcame your own fear of losing him. Well, maybe it was not so much overcoming that fear than to bring up the courage to walk through a valley of pain, which you knew would follow your actions.
You’ve always been a physician by heart. One could tell from the way you cared, which usually was well hidden beneath the rough surface of a man, who had seen too much and tried to just get along with starting anew at a point of your life and career, which shouldn’t have loaded with such a heavy burden. It hasn’t been fair, but I take it life is that way.
As someone, who had gotten the chance to attend to med school, graduating with marks, which could resemble your own, I’d say you suffered the first trauma when you helped your father slip into death. It was followed by an even bigger one the day you had to figure that a cure against his sickness had been found and you killed him too soon to make use of it. That was a weight, which honestly spoken I never thought, you managed to carry.
The man, who had been filled with so much love turned into a grieving mess, which was tormented with self-pity. That man turned into someone cynical, who never could refrain too well from letting his sarcasm slip whenever you felt it was needed to change a situation to the better.
You’ve tried to harden your heart and suppress whatever made you feel at a losing end when it came to the fight against your past. This sort of reaction didn’t surprise me as it is quite common for people, who suffer from a post-traumatic stress disorder. In fact I would have been more surprised, if you’d have managed to get around this symptom.
When I think back of the past we shared and the many times I assisted you at sickbay, I find myself thinking of me as woman and physician who often wondered about how many of your patients possibly had a clue of the fact that their doctor, had to deal with such a terrifying sickness.
You didn’t allow yourself to heal, because the love for the people you’ve hurt has been so strong you didn’t want to put any burden on them by sharing the blame. Good God, Leonard… You’ve been way too good for this world!
I saw your reactions on everything, which had just the slightest bit to do with Jo. When you called home and your ex-wife didn’t allow you to talk to Jo, you felt devastated. You loved your daughter so much and wanted to be there for her. Yet I never saw you fighting for your daughter the way you could have been.
Leonard, you knew that law was on your side as the child of a divorced or otherwise separated couple has the right to stay in contact with both parents. It would have taken just a little court procedure to stop your ex-wife from acting like she did. Then again you didn’t mean to hurt her nor did you want to put any stress and emotional pain on Jo.
You rather stayed away from your daughter, although it was killing you inside.
Family always has been important for you. Irony fucked this up pretty bad. Not only did your past look like a mess, your future got ruined, too.
I’m still part of the crew of the USS Enterprise, Leonard. Our captain has allowed me to stay and although I’m taking care of our child, I’m serving at sickbay as often as I can.
It all started when our son was about 6 months old. Sitting around all day had brought me down to my knees, although being there for our child feels absolutely great. I just… I needed something else to do and to keep my mind off the pain I feel inside whenever I have to think of you, which basically is all day long.
As a start I assisted other physicians by jumping into the role of a nurse. It’s been way beneath what my education and title allows me to do, but like that it wasn’t too bad, if I had to cancel a shift spontaneously due to responsible matters concerning our son.
Once I had found back to a certain pace I decided to go back to doctor’s duty and I was taking care of more challenging work again.
When our son was sleeping from the early evening on I went through diagnoses, checked the proceeding of treatments on patients or had discussions with other physicians about how to deal with new and unknown diseases we came across on our journey through this big and never-ending universe.
Whenever I could work from my room I did exactly that as I disliked - and up to today still dislike- to let other people take care of our son. A few nurses use to babysit our child every once in a while, because things don’t work out differently on times. I’m scared to lose him, too and I’m scared that someone could hurt him. That’s why I rather be with our son myself. There’s an ever-present fear of losing our son, but I try to not be too over-protective, because I know it wouldn’t be any good for him.
After trying to work in this better, but still unsatisfying position, I decided to try to push things further.
I went back to a more steady work as the physician I became after completing med school and Starfleet Academy programs. My space of work shifted back to be sickbay again. Over there I perform normal checkups, treat minor diseases and slight injuries and do what can be done with our son sleeping in a quiet corner of the room, patient and our kid hidden from each other by some curtains. Keeping him close like this allows me to have an eye on him while being at work until he’ll be old enough to let his mommy work and keeping himself busy while I’m away.
Sometimes my shift switches to the times of day in which our son isn’t asleep, he’s sitting in the back of the room to draw pictures or play with various toys.
I’m glad that most of the crew members and civilians on board acted very understanding concerning our position right from the beginning.
The beginning I’m talking about… it has felt like a dead end for me.
I know you’d be proud of me for not going down with this and just trying to push through. That’s what you, Jim and I always had in common. We’re fighters. Every one of us has one’s own style, but in the end we’re all suppressing our darkest fears and our pain. I think we all always knew what we are doing isn’t fairly healthy, but our sense of surviving makes us push forward. Somehow we always managed to go with that.
Maybe the only thing, which keeps us from drowning, is that we are aware of what we are doing. No matter if we’re talking about you, Jim or I, we all always were aware of our troubles and the unhealthy balance we were living. Maybe knowing about our struggle is what keeps us alive in the very end.
We know that we aren’t completely healthy, but we understand just enough of what’s going on with us to use this understanding to make us cope and come up with decisions, which sometimes are a bit over the edge, but in the end manage to help us.
God, I wish this would still count for you…
Jim is missing you like crazy, Leonard, and so do I.
You preferred to live in the here and now, despite those little flashbacks from the past, which hunt every human being every once in a while. Yet I know you’ve been worried about this. You’ve been worried about what would happen to me, your fiancée, and your unborn child, in case you’d have to leave us alone. But I also know you’ve worried about Jim just the same.
The love between you guys has been mutual and it’s always been stronger than just friendship. I wouldn’t say it’s been boys love, but it also was stronger than friendship. If there is something like this, I’d say the Universe designed the two of you to be made for each other.
How did it start? I don’t know. You’ve told me about how you met Jim a thousand times.
You were going on board of that shuttle at Riverside Shipyard with nothing left but your hopes and dreams for a better future and even those were quite broken.
It turned out you found someone, who was an equal mess like you.
The two of you met and never parted again ever since. Until…
Only to think about it, is making my heart feel like it’s getting wrenched by a giant fist, which belongs to something too big to fight.
I’ll never forget that one night, in which Jim stood in front of our door. He knocked. Despite all the techniques he used that old fashioned way of making his appearance known. I went to bed early that night, because I didn’t feel too well. My hormones were giving me some hard time and I had thought that sleep possibly would be the best decision.
I remember how I opened the door being dressed in nothing but a tank top and panties. The knocking had ripped me straight out of my comfortable dullness. Something about it had felt bad from the very beginning. Never would I have expected Jim to stand in front of the door at this time a day without you either being home or with him.
If you’d have been with him, he wouldn’t have knocked.
That kid had a tendency to break into your apartment at Starfleet campus or your rooms on board of the ship anyway.
Just like I he had a reason to come and go like it would be the most normal thing to do so. I couldn’t blame him nor could I be mad, if he accidently - or sometimes not sooo very accidently - interrupted us in our comfortable closeness.
That kid surely has some annoying traits, but you made me see beyond the surface very quickly and I learned to understand him, just like you’ve done before. Jim needed you just like I did need you.
At some point I just understood that this never would be just you and I and our child. Jim would stick to us like a stray, which one had fed once too often. Only that the food we were giving him was not only the one he used to snatch from your fridge, but also love and understanding.
You loved that kid, so how should I have been able to not fall for him, too.
Sometimes I still wonder if it was only a real deep and big friendship kind of love we have felt for him, or whether things were actually taking place at a higher level. Whatever it was: I never felt bothered by having him around.
Nor did I feel bothered when you suggested naming our first child, our boy, after him.
In the first moment your request - and I know it had been more than just a request - had caught me by surprise, but understanding sank in quickly and it all made sense. Jim was part of our crazy little family. You loved him, I loved him and both of us wanted our child to become a little bit like him, even if this would sound ridiculous to most peoples’ ears, especially if those are pointy.
Seeing Jim standing in front of my doors, his eyes red from crying, shoulders slumped and tears still streaming down his face realization hit me sooner than his words.
“He’s dead…,” was all he could say.
Jim couldn’t have made any more careful and supportive approach, because this new kind of reality hit him just as much as it hit me.
Jim stumbled into my arms and all I could do was to wrap my arms around him and support his weight. I’ve never seen this kid being so devastated and close to an emotional collapse ever before.
Realization of what his words meant sank in quickly. They had been nurtured by the tremendous sick feeling in my stomach, which I’ve had ever since the knocking on the door had pierced the silence within the walls of your private rooms.
There were a thousand thoughts running through my head and none of them made much sense. I was wondering how Jim knew that I had been staying at your rooms, but it was fairly logical considering the fact that this had been where the three of us had hung out at the most. Adding to that I was your fiancée so where else should I have been, even more so since Jim knew perfectly well you and I used to stay at your place, making it ours, rather than to spend time in my room.
I also remembered the way you’ve combed your hair when you had left for your shift in the morning. Every yet so little movement of arranging your uniform before you left was replaying in front of my inner eye. The kiss we had shared shortly before you rushed out of the door was what stayed put the most.
Did I say I’ve had a thousand of illogical thoughts while my mind, body and soul tried to register that you’d be gone forever? Make it a million. Neither of them managed to dull the pain or prevent my tears from falling.
As if reality would alter, if I wouldn’t give in to the news, I had to speak up.
“Wha~aat…?”
My question must have made things even harder for Jim. After all it demanded some more explaining of things, which he couldn’t put more details to at the moment given. His own pain was over-whelming and he must have felt the trust into the future slip as far away as it slipped away from me the moment he voiced your name.
“Bones…”
The name was a tease and sign of affection at once. Jim once called you like that and it got stuck. You complained about it a lot, but I knew, and I bet Jim did know too, that secretly you liked it.
To hear it in this very moment felt fucking wrong.
Someway Jim was able to pass on some more information, incoherently mumbling something about a transporter malfunction. At that moment I didn’t know why you had to use the transporter at all, whether Jim or anyone else did join you and whether you’ve been the only one to get lost forever, but what did it count?!
My legs felt like giving in while Jim mumbled something about you always voicing your distrust of things like these and how bad it was that in the end such a thing had caused your death.
Despite the fog in my mind I sensed that there was a danger of him putting unnecessary blame onto his own shoulders when he cried about how he had used to tease you about your aversion of using the transporter.
I don’t know how, but somehow I managed to tell him to not go there and bring himself down, while I was dragging both of us to bed, where we stayed for the rest of the night, close, connected, cuddled up to each other, crying in each other’s arms, just trying to find a way to deal with the enormous pain of losing you.
I wouldn’t consider it a lie to say we both were equally desperate and scared. Jim had just lost the very one person, which he loved dearly and which he allowed to love him back in return. With you he lost his best friend, his family and possibly also a huge part of his reason to believe.
I lost my fiancé, the father of my unborn child and the person I loved more than anyone else.
Somehow we managed to get by.
The first morning after you’ve passed away, I asked Captain Jim to allow me and our child to stay on board of the USS Enterprise. He was reluctant at first.
I told him you wanted our son to be somewhat like him and that you had hoped that Jim would be able to teach our son to not be scared of flying and space like you were.
Jim always had been fascinated by space, by going there and maybe make a change and I knew you secretly envied him for that.
Oh well, you managed to endure space, made friends with it and became a great member of Starfleet, but a dull feeling of distrust remained somewhere hidden inside of you.
You knew that Jim had his very own fears to face, too, but you wanted to enable our child to go anywhere as a grown up without being bound due to any restrictions from fears like not wanting to fly or pass space and time. It was something you had hoped Jim to teach our son and I knew you told him all that.
Jim told me that living on Earth or a colony would be safer for our son and me. He’s been right about that, yet I felt even more of my world breaking apart by the prospect of him denying my request in the role of the Captain of the USS Enterprise. To my relief he didn’t, although I know he’s been close.
Of course it would have been easier for him to suppress your loss, if our son and I wouldn’t stick around, but bastard that you are, you bound each of us to a promise: to watch out for each other.
There is no way to watch Jim, if he’s not around and the same works into the other direction.
You possibly knew we’d fall apart without you, if adding to your loss we’d also lose our homes and friendship.
Neither of us could break a promise, which we’ve given to you, Leonard. We both love you too much to fall for it.
It seems like Jim and I will be bound to each other in a way.
I named our son Jim, Leonard. I stuck to that promise. For a while I was pondering about adding your first name as his second name, but I retreated from that step. Our boy shall have a future of his own without having to live in the shadow of his daddy.
Am I telling him the truth about what has happened? Yes, I do. I know he’s still too young to understand, but some day he will. I’ll be there to tell him all the great stories about his wonderful daddy - a man, who had so much love inside of him and a man, who has loved his unborn child.
I feel weirdly reminded of Jim’s biography here, Leonard. I don’t want our son to live in your shadow, nor do I want him to ponder about how much love you could have given to him or how things could have turned out all differently, if you’d have been there. I don’t want little Jim to live with a riddle and a mystery, which is his daddy. I owe him to tell him whatever I can so he gets an understanding for the man you were. No questions shall be left at this and I know our big boy Jim will help me to make the missing puzzle pieces fall into place.
Jim’s not talking a lot about you, Leonard, but I know he’s missing you and thinking about you every day just as I do. It’s just his way of dealing, but… you already know that. And you know… When the moment’s right, I’m sure he will tell our son what great addition to the crew of the USS Enterprise and what a great friend you have been. He won’t skip out on the teasing, which always went on between the two of you, neither.
We once kissed, Leonard. I felt lonely, weary and sad and I couldn’t help but to lean in and kiss Jim.
He didn’t take it well. I think he’s afraid to mess with your friendship, if he’d go to those lengths with me. I know a little better, because I feel that you’d be happy to know the people you loved most would share a future rather than to fade away on their own.
I’ll watch out for them, Leonard: for our son and Jim.
There are two Jims in my life now. It feels a little weird on times, but looking at your son I get the feeling that he’ll be a stubborn thickhead like the big version of Jim someday. You’d like that, because just like Jim our little boy’s good at heart. He’ll make it big someday. He likes to play with your medical tricorder, you know?! Maybe he’ll become an excellent physician like you once he’s grown up. However I certainly will not force him into it. You wouldn’t have done it neither as he’s supposed to go his own way.
He’s looking much more like me than like you. If you’d have seen him for the first time after birth you’d probably have chuckled and joked about how sons usually aim after the mother while daughters aim after their daddies. You’d have said that after a patient of you would have given birth, too. A mischievous grin would have spread on your lips and you’d have leaned back to watch the new life, pretending that you’re the cool physician while inwardly you’d have felt filled with joy.
I’m in contact with Jo now, Leonard. I had some talks with your ex-wife in order to clear some things up and tell her how much you have changed from the man she couldn’t stand to live with from a certain point anymore. I did what you couldn’t do, Leonard. Not only lil’ Jim, but Jo too, should know how great their daddy has been.
The five year mission we went on together is coming to end, Leonard.
I’m turning older. I haven’t reached the magical 30 years of age mark yet, but I will. While I’m getting older I hope to see your children grow up and I will tell them many stories about their daddy as I aim to stick around here for a little bit longer.
How I am doing? I cry myself to sleep every night, but that’s okay. I can deal. I’ve always did it. WE always did it. Jim will be okay, too…
I have to admit that I’m afraid of the future. I don’t know what will happen when this mission is going to be over. We will return to Earth to report in, go through the revelations our journey has given to us. I always imagined you’d be with us when we’d set our feet onto the Earth again. You would have been so happy to be out of the ship, back on solid ground. But work would have called us back after a while and we’d have set feet back onto a ship - most likely the USS Enterprise again, since it’s Jim’s ship and he wouldn’t let us go. He did well so far. He turned out to be an excellent Captain. Still he didn’t lose himself in the process. He just grew up a little.
It would be easy to stay on Earth together with our son, but you and I know I’ll join Jim for the next adventure. Our son will be comfortable on board. More children have been born on board in the past years and he won’t be the only kid around.
You’ve left and life will go on without you. Somehow. It has to.
When I close my eyes I pretend that the transporter hasn’t swallowed the many pieces of you.
I pretend that you’re still dangling in the air, being able to surround us all.
I like to imagine that your son, Jim or I can feel you, if we close our eyes and concentrate onto you.
Wherever you went, Leonard…I hope you completely overcame your fear of flying by now. May you spread your wings and dance in the sky, in the black of space, all over the width of the universe, which is endless like my love for you. I hope you’ve left all your burdens and fears behind. You don’t need them anymore.
Don’t worry about us. We’ll be fine. We’ll watch out for each other and give wings to the new generation.
Until we meet again… My love will be eternally your’s,
Ty