sad.
I am walking
out in the rain
and I am listening to the low moan
of the dial tone again
and I am getting
nowhere with you
and I can't let it go
and I can't get through...
the old woman behind the pink curtains
and the closed door
on the first floor
she's listening through the air shaft
to see how long our swan song can last
and both hands
now use both hands
oh, no don't close your eyes
I am writing
graffitti on your body
I am drawing the story of
how hard we tried
I am watching your chest rise and fall
like the tides of my life,
and the rest of it all
and your bones have been my bedframe
and your flesh has been my pillow
I am waiting for sleep
to offer up the deep
with both hands
in eachother's shadows we grew less and less tall
and eventually our theories couldn't explain it all
and I'm recording our history now on the bedroom wall
and eventually the landlord will come
and paint over it all
and I am walking
out in the rain
and I am listening to the low moan of the dial tone again
and I am getting nowhere with you
and I can't let it go
and I can't get though
So now use both hands
please use both hands
oh, no don't close your eyes
I am writing graffitti on your body
I am drawing the story of how hard we tried
hard we tried
how hard we tried
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I have been a basket-case lately. Things with Jamie have been rough. We Broke up and there are days when I really miss her. There are days when I feel like I have never been more lonely in my life. There are days when I feel like this isn't worth it and I should just pack my things and move far far away from everyone who "cares" about me. I know I'm being all woe is me and shit, but whatever. I'm the rock for people, the constant support for SO many and half the time what I get in return is a lot less than what I would call stellar support. Or I get a half hearted support while being talked about behind my back. It's like I'm supposed to be there for everyone when they need me, but the moment I need them it's like bats from a cave, they all just flutter away. The ones that do stay seem to just be irritated by my presence. Things with Liz have been tough too. I don't like her anymore in a romantic way but there is still a friction there. We have been fighting a lot lately and I'm not sure why. It sucks because she thinks that she can't tell me about boys in her life(I know this is true) because i "won't approve of them" which is ridiculous. Apparently it's a bad thing to look out for your best friend. It just sucks that my best friend doesn't trust me. I don't even know if there are boys, but I know Liz. there's always a boy, always a crush. she doesn't let on, but she's just like me, there's always someone either half in or half out of the picture. I lost my job. I'm unemployed and broke, I have nothing worthwhile to do everyday except search for a job and pack. oh yah, I'm moving from the east-side this weekend to 62nd and Mitchell. do we remember what happened to Al the last time he was marooned and had to move from the east side? Depression, loneliness etc... Awesome. I need to get back to the east side stat. I had to take whatever option I could get because the guy who was supposed to move in with me baled last minute. this happens to me a lot. Peter has been a great friend to me lately, there for me in so many ways. The only problem happens when we drink. I got very drunk this weekend and got kind of sad and I ended up having to lift Peter's head up and take care of him because he is so hung up on Liz. it's ridiculous. Was I this bad? Something tells me I was. I know this, Liz is my best friend and it sucks when I can't be around her, but my romantic feelings have all slipped away, sure there may be lingering feelings that half heartedly poke their head out and some physical attractions but thats all. My heart was completely engrossed in her and it was crushed, not maliciously, she didn't do anything to hurt me intentionally, but it was. I'm ok with it now, I haven't written in here in a while and I think thats partially why. I used this as a sound board for my feelings and it didn't work so much. I've become so jaded. I need a stage. I need a distraction. School House rocks starts next week with auditions which will be ok. But I NEED something to focus on.
Jamie and I broke up. We had a huge fight. here's what happened.
-Jamie and I date
-Jamie and I have great weekends
-we are 4 hours apart
-I needed to take a break. I was sad, confused and distracted.
so we take a break an while we are on the break I notice a girl I had been working with for two Months on MSND. She was very fun to be around and a few nights at the bar got me interested in her. we were e-mailing back and forth and I was venting because things with Jamie were hard. Jamie came down for a prearranged weekend and sat at my house while I was performing. Amy and I had been e-mailing back and forth a lot but by this time it was established that she wasn't interested and that was fine. I was excited to see Jamie. Well I use thunderbird for my email client, so its always on my desktop. Jamie saw e-mails from Amy and read them, and got upset because I was a) saying things that were mean and unintentional, and b) interested in another girl. she printed them off and handed them to me when we saw each other next. It was awful. I couldn't blame her for being upset, but I was pretty angry at her for reading my e-mails. we broke up. Now we are going on a few dates, etc. to slowly spend time with each other. It's hard. There is so much of me that loves and cares about her, but so much of me that is so scared about the distance and our differences. I met her father and he is one of the nicest men I have ever met. Thats tough. Kari's parents hated me. we had a great relationship but it would have never worked because her parents refused to acknowledge me as a human being. Jamie's dad is awesome, he already treats me well and I could see him being that cool father in law, if Jamie and I ever got that far. I have longed so long in my life for a father figure, it always makes it harder when a girlfriend has a cool family.
now I'm rambling.
more lyrics:
and it's all in how you mix the two
and it starts just where the light exists
it's a feeling that you cannot miss
and it burns a hole through everyone that feels it
well you're never gonna find it
if you're looking for it
won't come your way
well you'll never find it
if you're looking for it
should've done something but I've done it enough
by the way your hands were shaking
rather waste some time with you
and you never would have thought in the end
how amazing it feels just to live again
it's a feeling that you cannot miss
it burns a hole through everyone that feels it
well you're never gonna find it
if you're looking for it
won't come your way
well you'll never find it
if you're looking for it
should've done something but I've done it enough
by the way your hands were shaking
rather waste some time with you
should've said something but I've said it enough
by the way my words were faded
rather waste some time with you
waste some time with you
waste some time with you
waste some time with you
waste some time with you
waste some time with you
should've done something but I've done it enough
by the way your hands were shaking
rather waste my time with you
should've said something but I've said it enough
by the way my words were faded
rather waste my time with you
should've done something but I've done it enough
by the way my hands were shaking
rather waste some time with you
yah so I'm pretty fucking emo these days. It makes for good songwriting but half psychosis. not so healthy. I have been living my life on caffeine, vicodin, and beer pong. healthy I know. Everything is hanging by a thread and it's such a delicate balance. I'm so sick of keeping it all together. as always in my life I cant be the cosmic glue that holds people together and hold myself together. My mother is worried, I know. she has called me everyday this week to check on me. I'm not stupid or suicidal for Christ's sake, I'm just depressed.
gah.
a few more lyrics:
You took it back
How could you go and do something like that
My fingernail phase
Worst has got the best of you
I ask you and I know I need to change
Change
You took it back
You ripped my heart out of my then you put it back
I'm pulling my hair
I let you just a million times
I love you even though it isn't fair
Run we go around again in circles
Play this game over again
Run we go around again in circles
You took it back
You ripped my heart out of my then you put it back
I'm pulling my hair
I let you just a million times
I love you even though it isn't fair
Run we go around again in circles
Play this game over again.
Run we go around again in circles
You took it back
You took it back
Run we go around again in circles
Play this game over again.
Run we go around again in circles
Circles
Run we go around again in circles
Play this game over again.
Run we go around again in circles
Circles
yah, I'm emo.
deal with it.
I'm really a happy person inside.
I promise.
a few more and then I'm done:
See all those people on the ground
Wasting time
I try to hold it all inside
But just for tonight
The top of the world
Sitting here wishing
The things I've become
That something is missing
Maybe I...
But what do I know
And now it seems that I have found
Nothing at all
I want to hear your voice out loud
Slow it down, slow it down
Without it all
I'm choking on nothing
It's clear in my head
And I'm screaming for something
Knowing nothing is better than knowing at all
On my own
Without it all
I'm choking on nothing
It's clear in my head
And I'm screaming for something
Knowing nothing is better than knowing at all
On my own
I honestly have never felt this alone in my life.
I'll be alright. I have to be. there are people counting on me.
I love so many of you so much. I need you guys now.
out in the rain
and I am listening to the low moan
of the dial tone again
and I am getting
nowhere with you
and I can't let it go
and I can't get through...
the old woman behind the pink curtains
and the closed door
on the first floor
she's listening through the air shaft
to see how long our swan song can last
and both hands
now use both hands
oh, no don't close your eyes
I am writing
graffitti on your body
I am drawing the story of
how hard we tried
I am watching your chest rise and fall
like the tides of my life,
and the rest of it all
and your bones have been my bedframe
and your flesh has been my pillow
I am waiting for sleep
to offer up the deep
with both hands
in eachother's shadows we grew less and less tall
and eventually our theories couldn't explain it all
and I'm recording our history now on the bedroom wall
and eventually the landlord will come
and paint over it all
and I am walking
out in the rain
and I am listening to the low moan of the dial tone again
and I am getting nowhere with you
and I can't let it go
and I can't get though
So now use both hands
please use both hands
oh, no don't close your eyes
I am writing graffitti on your body
I am drawing the story of how hard we tried
hard we tried
how hard we tried
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I have been a basket-case lately. Things with Jamie have been rough. We Broke up and there are days when I really miss her. There are days when I feel like I have never been more lonely in my life. There are days when I feel like this isn't worth it and I should just pack my things and move far far away from everyone who "cares" about me. I know I'm being all woe is me and shit, but whatever. I'm the rock for people, the constant support for SO many and half the time what I get in return is a lot less than what I would call stellar support. Or I get a half hearted support while being talked about behind my back. It's like I'm supposed to be there for everyone when they need me, but the moment I need them it's like bats from a cave, they all just flutter away. The ones that do stay seem to just be irritated by my presence. Things with Liz have been tough too. I don't like her anymore in a romantic way but there is still a friction there. We have been fighting a lot lately and I'm not sure why. It sucks because she thinks that she can't tell me about boys in her life(I know this is true) because i "won't approve of them" which is ridiculous. Apparently it's a bad thing to look out for your best friend. It just sucks that my best friend doesn't trust me. I don't even know if there are boys, but I know Liz. there's always a boy, always a crush. she doesn't let on, but she's just like me, there's always someone either half in or half out of the picture. I lost my job. I'm unemployed and broke, I have nothing worthwhile to do everyday except search for a job and pack. oh yah, I'm moving from the east-side this weekend to 62nd and Mitchell. do we remember what happened to Al the last time he was marooned and had to move from the east side? Depression, loneliness etc... Awesome. I need to get back to the east side stat. I had to take whatever option I could get because the guy who was supposed to move in with me baled last minute. this happens to me a lot. Peter has been a great friend to me lately, there for me in so many ways. The only problem happens when we drink. I got very drunk this weekend and got kind of sad and I ended up having to lift Peter's head up and take care of him because he is so hung up on Liz. it's ridiculous. Was I this bad? Something tells me I was. I know this, Liz is my best friend and it sucks when I can't be around her, but my romantic feelings have all slipped away, sure there may be lingering feelings that half heartedly poke their head out and some physical attractions but thats all. My heart was completely engrossed in her and it was crushed, not maliciously, she didn't do anything to hurt me intentionally, but it was. I'm ok with it now, I haven't written in here in a while and I think thats partially why. I used this as a sound board for my feelings and it didn't work so much. I've become so jaded. I need a stage. I need a distraction. School House rocks starts next week with auditions which will be ok. But I NEED something to focus on.
Jamie and I broke up. We had a huge fight. here's what happened.
-Jamie and I date
-Jamie and I have great weekends
-we are 4 hours apart
-I needed to take a break. I was sad, confused and distracted.
so we take a break an while we are on the break I notice a girl I had been working with for two Months on MSND. She was very fun to be around and a few nights at the bar got me interested in her. we were e-mailing back and forth and I was venting because things with Jamie were hard. Jamie came down for a prearranged weekend and sat at my house while I was performing. Amy and I had been e-mailing back and forth a lot but by this time it was established that she wasn't interested and that was fine. I was excited to see Jamie. Well I use thunderbird for my email client, so its always on my desktop. Jamie saw e-mails from Amy and read them, and got upset because I was a) saying things that were mean and unintentional, and b) interested in another girl. she printed them off and handed them to me when we saw each other next. It was awful. I couldn't blame her for being upset, but I was pretty angry at her for reading my e-mails. we broke up. Now we are going on a few dates, etc. to slowly spend time with each other. It's hard. There is so much of me that loves and cares about her, but so much of me that is so scared about the distance and our differences. I met her father and he is one of the nicest men I have ever met. Thats tough. Kari's parents hated me. we had a great relationship but it would have never worked because her parents refused to acknowledge me as a human being. Jamie's dad is awesome, he already treats me well and I could see him being that cool father in law, if Jamie and I ever got that far. I have longed so long in my life for a father figure, it always makes it harder when a girlfriend has a cool family.
now I'm rambling.
more lyrics:
and it's all in how you mix the two
and it starts just where the light exists
it's a feeling that you cannot miss
and it burns a hole through everyone that feels it
well you're never gonna find it
if you're looking for it
won't come your way
well you'll never find it
if you're looking for it
should've done something but I've done it enough
by the way your hands were shaking
rather waste some time with you
and you never would have thought in the end
how amazing it feels just to live again
it's a feeling that you cannot miss
it burns a hole through everyone that feels it
well you're never gonna find it
if you're looking for it
won't come your way
well you'll never find it
if you're looking for it
should've done something but I've done it enough
by the way your hands were shaking
rather waste some time with you
should've said something but I've said it enough
by the way my words were faded
rather waste some time with you
waste some time with you
waste some time with you
waste some time with you
waste some time with you
waste some time with you
should've done something but I've done it enough
by the way your hands were shaking
rather waste my time with you
should've said something but I've said it enough
by the way my words were faded
rather waste my time with you
should've done something but I've done it enough
by the way my hands were shaking
rather waste some time with you
yah so I'm pretty fucking emo these days. It makes for good songwriting but half psychosis. not so healthy. I have been living my life on caffeine, vicodin, and beer pong. healthy I know. Everything is hanging by a thread and it's such a delicate balance. I'm so sick of keeping it all together. as always in my life I cant be the cosmic glue that holds people together and hold myself together. My mother is worried, I know. she has called me everyday this week to check on me. I'm not stupid or suicidal for Christ's sake, I'm just depressed.
gah.
a few more lyrics:
You took it back
How could you go and do something like that
My fingernail phase
Worst has got the best of you
I ask you and I know I need to change
Change
You took it back
You ripped my heart out of my then you put it back
I'm pulling my hair
I let you just a million times
I love you even though it isn't fair
Run we go around again in circles
Play this game over again
Run we go around again in circles
You took it back
You ripped my heart out of my then you put it back
I'm pulling my hair
I let you just a million times
I love you even though it isn't fair
Run we go around again in circles
Play this game over again.
Run we go around again in circles
You took it back
You took it back
Run we go around again in circles
Play this game over again.
Run we go around again in circles
Circles
Run we go around again in circles
Play this game over again.
Run we go around again in circles
Circles
yah, I'm emo.
deal with it.
I'm really a happy person inside.
I promise.
a few more and then I'm done:
See all those people on the ground
Wasting time
I try to hold it all inside
But just for tonight
The top of the world
Sitting here wishing
The things I've become
That something is missing
Maybe I...
But what do I know
And now it seems that I have found
Nothing at all
I want to hear your voice out loud
Slow it down, slow it down
Without it all
I'm choking on nothing
It's clear in my head
And I'm screaming for something
Knowing nothing is better than knowing at all
On my own
Without it all
I'm choking on nothing
It's clear in my head
And I'm screaming for something
Knowing nothing is better than knowing at all
On my own
I honestly have never felt this alone in my life.
I'll be alright. I have to be. there are people counting on me.
I love so many of you so much. I need you guys now.