The Grief of an Old Man
He undresses and gets into bed, moves onto the left side of the bed and puts his left arm above his head. “Run simulation one, please,” he says to the room.
“Yes, Doctor McKay,” it replies.
Then he's there behind him with his right arm around his waist and left hand in his just like it once was. He knows every movement, every response and follows them to the letter even though he doesn't have to. The hand in his and the one on his stomach are touching him but yet they're not. The touch they endowed left years ago, all he's left with is its ghost. He prepares himself for what he knows will come next, even though he's lived this moment a thousand times he can never get used to the feeling of the Simulation kissing his neck. It's like a combination of someone putting their cigarette out on his neck and someone putting an ice cube in the same place.
“Oh God, Carson I miss you!” he says but the Simulation just carries on the conversation he and the real Carson had years ago, it does what it has done for years, console Doctor Rodney McKay. The simulated Carson doesn't notice his wrinkles, his graying hair or the tears rolling down his cheeks. Rodney listens to the one-sided conversation which to him sounds like an echo and he's heard it enough. He knows it by heart. Some nights he sings it like a hymn and watches as the Simulation’s facial expressions change the way Carson’s once did.
As the Simulation closes it eyes to sleep Rodney strokes a finger down its cheek and watches the image ripple. Now he starts to sob knowing the Simulation can’t hear him and that maybe Carson will. The world has the technology that would allow him to interact with the Simulation, he invented it himself but he doesn’t want to sully the memory.
All their friends are dead - one after another they fell. Elizabeth soon after Carson and John soon after her. Major Lorne was promoted to military leader of Atlantis and year after year more and more Rodney saw his spirit dim until one day he put his rifle in his mouth. Stargate Command sent a young Major to fill his role. Zelenka threw himself at any mission that looked dangerous after his husband’s suicide and when the Wraith fired at his Puddlejumper he said, “Here I come, moje láska,*” and sighed his soul away for the whole of Atlantis to hear. Ronon hunted down the Wraith that killed John and returned to Atlantis with its head, then almost immediately climbed the railings of the control tower and dived into Lantea’s ocean. David Parrish was killed by the natives of M92-136 for touching their sacred tree and Atlantis sent his body back to Earth. Teyla left Atlantis and returned to New Athos where she died a very old woman surrounded by her children and grandchildren or so Rodney heard. The woman who replaced Carson as Chief Medic, Jennifer Keller, lasted longer than all of them. When a virus going around one of the worlds she visited to give check-ups finally took her, her hair was going grey and she had saved many good people.
Rodney stayed as the Head of Science until after the Wraith were finally defeated then he returned to Canada. The people of Earth were no longer blind to the happenings at Stargate Command and when Rodney returned he was met by a heroes' welcome. The brilliant scientist with the hollow heart took jobs teaching physics at community colleges. Everybody that knew about him and Carson was dead so he didn’t tell anyone living.
When Carson died Rodney visited his mother in Scotland and they broke down in each others arms, both recognizing the grief they saw in the others eyes. Rodney visited her every time he had leave on Earth and always they’d go hand in hand to Carson’s grave and tell him all that he’d missed.
Now she’s dead and Rodney’s an old man who cries himself to sleep over the flickering image of his dead lover that is always gone when he wakes in the morning.
End
*my love
“Yes, Doctor McKay,” it replies.
Then he's there behind him with his right arm around his waist and left hand in his just like it once was. He knows every movement, every response and follows them to the letter even though he doesn't have to. The hand in his and the one on his stomach are touching him but yet they're not. The touch they endowed left years ago, all he's left with is its ghost. He prepares himself for what he knows will come next, even though he's lived this moment a thousand times he can never get used to the feeling of the Simulation kissing his neck. It's like a combination of someone putting their cigarette out on his neck and someone putting an ice cube in the same place.
“Oh God, Carson I miss you!” he says but the Simulation just carries on the conversation he and the real Carson had years ago, it does what it has done for years, console Doctor Rodney McKay. The simulated Carson doesn't notice his wrinkles, his graying hair or the tears rolling down his cheeks. Rodney listens to the one-sided conversation which to him sounds like an echo and he's heard it enough. He knows it by heart. Some nights he sings it like a hymn and watches as the Simulation’s facial expressions change the way Carson’s once did.
As the Simulation closes it eyes to sleep Rodney strokes a finger down its cheek and watches the image ripple. Now he starts to sob knowing the Simulation can’t hear him and that maybe Carson will. The world has the technology that would allow him to interact with the Simulation, he invented it himself but he doesn’t want to sully the memory.
All their friends are dead - one after another they fell. Elizabeth soon after Carson and John soon after her. Major Lorne was promoted to military leader of Atlantis and year after year more and more Rodney saw his spirit dim until one day he put his rifle in his mouth. Stargate Command sent a young Major to fill his role. Zelenka threw himself at any mission that looked dangerous after his husband’s suicide and when the Wraith fired at his Puddlejumper he said, “Here I come, moje láska,*” and sighed his soul away for the whole of Atlantis to hear. Ronon hunted down the Wraith that killed John and returned to Atlantis with its head, then almost immediately climbed the railings of the control tower and dived into Lantea’s ocean. David Parrish was killed by the natives of M92-136 for touching their sacred tree and Atlantis sent his body back to Earth. Teyla left Atlantis and returned to New Athos where she died a very old woman surrounded by her children and grandchildren or so Rodney heard. The woman who replaced Carson as Chief Medic, Jennifer Keller, lasted longer than all of them. When a virus going around one of the worlds she visited to give check-ups finally took her, her hair was going grey and she had saved many good people.
Rodney stayed as the Head of Science until after the Wraith were finally defeated then he returned to Canada. The people of Earth were no longer blind to the happenings at Stargate Command and when Rodney returned he was met by a heroes' welcome. The brilliant scientist with the hollow heart took jobs teaching physics at community colleges. Everybody that knew about him and Carson was dead so he didn’t tell anyone living.
When Carson died Rodney visited his mother in Scotland and they broke down in each others arms, both recognizing the grief they saw in the others eyes. Rodney visited her every time he had leave on Earth and always they’d go hand in hand to Carson’s grave and tell him all that he’d missed.
Now she’s dead and Rodney’s an old man who cries himself to sleep over the flickering image of his dead lover that is always gone when he wakes in the morning.
End
*my love