My freak out for the week
So, last night (or really 1:30AM this morning) I was reading in bed with the lamp on. I kept hearing a noise by the TV. At first I thought it was the cat. Then I thought it was the TV. Then I thought maybe the boring movie did play with my mind and I was just hearing things. But I kept telling my instincts that something was there, they were wrong. When will I learn not to do that.
So I kept going back to reading. You have to understand this went on for a while. Then I saw it...
A face of a guy was right outside our window watching me read. Those who know me know how deep this really goes for me.. As soon as I looked at him face on and he saw it he took off. I did not have the appropriate clothing to take off and race after him and I woke Sempai. We turned off the light and searched for his glasses. I think he went behind the apartments by the pond as we saw some movement there but not enough to be sure and there were lights both other directions. There was nothing we could really do at this point as he had taken off, so we checked that everything was battened down and I spent a great deal of the rest of the night listening for noise and pissed off.
I have had too many stalkers in my life for this not to piss me off and disturb me on a deeper level. I know that this is not a stalker, probably just a peepping tom that was looking for his own amusement and those types are not very dangerous, but after Sempai left for work this morning (which I jumped wildly in defense when he kissed me to leave waking me up) I couldn't sleep, listening and being pissed off.
I'm pissed off with myself for not listening to my instincts earlier last night and for being freaked out this morning. My instincts have proven themselves time and time again, and most of the time I listen to them, but somehow when it comes to things from my past like this I just convince myself that I'm letting fear rule me and cloud myself. And that leads to the second of allowing myself to be freaked. I WILL NOT EVER AGAIN allow someone to rule me in fear. I've wasted too much of my life in that state, I can't and won't again. This may sound trite to some, but it is the truth to me. I've been thinking about it all day. I SHOULD have run out there no matter what and no matter who I trust and depend on. I should have done it and proven that I was not frightened by this prick and would not be so. I should have used my instincts to hunt him down and show what would not be allowed. I would have done it in an instant for any friend who was threatened in any way, yet old fears and new reliances stopped me.
I'm so pissed off with myself.
So I kept going back to reading. You have to understand this went on for a while. Then I saw it...
A face of a guy was right outside our window watching me read. Those who know me know how deep this really goes for me.. As soon as I looked at him face on and he saw it he took off. I did not have the appropriate clothing to take off and race after him and I woke Sempai. We turned off the light and searched for his glasses. I think he went behind the apartments by the pond as we saw some movement there but not enough to be sure and there were lights both other directions. There was nothing we could really do at this point as he had taken off, so we checked that everything was battened down and I spent a great deal of the rest of the night listening for noise and pissed off.
I have had too many stalkers in my life for this not to piss me off and disturb me on a deeper level. I know that this is not a stalker, probably just a peepping tom that was looking for his own amusement and those types are not very dangerous, but after Sempai left for work this morning (which I jumped wildly in defense when he kissed me to leave waking me up) I couldn't sleep, listening and being pissed off.
I'm pissed off with myself for not listening to my instincts earlier last night and for being freaked out this morning. My instincts have proven themselves time and time again, and most of the time I listen to them, but somehow when it comes to things from my past like this I just convince myself that I'm letting fear rule me and cloud myself. And that leads to the second of allowing myself to be freaked. I WILL NOT EVER AGAIN allow someone to rule me in fear. I've wasted too much of my life in that state, I can't and won't again. This may sound trite to some, but it is the truth to me. I've been thinking about it all day. I SHOULD have run out there no matter what and no matter who I trust and depend on. I should have done it and proven that I was not frightened by this prick and would not be so. I should have used my instincts to hunt him down and show what would not be allowed. I would have done it in an instant for any friend who was threatened in any way, yet old fears and new reliances stopped me.
I'm so pissed off with myself.