thinking back
I was reading a friend's journal last night and once again he was aggravated by his ex. He has been having problems with his ex-girlfriend for some time now. I was finally motivated to read some of her entries and was blown away at how much she mirrored my past self. I think maybe my demons do not chose to only fight with me. I don't know if she is a cutter, but I wouldn't be shocked if she was.
It made me think back on my years with Mike. I wish I could play back a movie of our time together and show him why I did the things I did. THe hidden motives, the unknown meanings that were behind everything.
So many times I hurt him because in doing so it hurt me. After all the name of the game is self destruction right? It is funny because I had someone who loved me the way I was, fat or skinny, crazy or sane, it didn't matter. Sometimes that is why I hated to be near him. It hurt so to have someone know my inner demons. Some days I wanted to be free, to be able to pretend that it wasn't there. FOr brief moments in time I was able to pretend that I WAS ok.
It still happens today. I hate him knowing my craziness. I can't pretend to not be, he sees right through that. Having someone around to alway make me accept my craziness is hard. It makes me deal with it. So occasionally I run away. (This is me posting from sunny Florida)
I think about all of this and I feel sorry for my friend, just as I feel sorry for Mike. It is not fair to love us. We can't handle that love in the way it should be handled.
I half-heartedly hope that someday I will drive Mike away with my craziness and my anger. It is what I deserve. He will see that I am not worthy of being loved. But then I still cling to his love like a life-line...maybe thats what it is...maybe his love will rescue me.
It made me think back on my years with Mike. I wish I could play back a movie of our time together and show him why I did the things I did. THe hidden motives, the unknown meanings that were behind everything.
So many times I hurt him because in doing so it hurt me. After all the name of the game is self destruction right? It is funny because I had someone who loved me the way I was, fat or skinny, crazy or sane, it didn't matter. Sometimes that is why I hated to be near him. It hurt so to have someone know my inner demons. Some days I wanted to be free, to be able to pretend that it wasn't there. FOr brief moments in time I was able to pretend that I WAS ok.
It still happens today. I hate him knowing my craziness. I can't pretend to not be, he sees right through that. Having someone around to alway make me accept my craziness is hard. It makes me deal with it. So occasionally I run away. (This is me posting from sunny Florida)
I think about all of this and I feel sorry for my friend, just as I feel sorry for Mike. It is not fair to love us. We can't handle that love in the way it should be handled.
I half-heartedly hope that someday I will drive Mike away with my craziness and my anger. It is what I deserve. He will see that I am not worthy of being loved. But then I still cling to his love like a life-line...maybe thats what it is...maybe his love will rescue me.