Meta-catharsis
I want catharsis by typing my words out. I want catharsis by having my words read. I want a response of some sort to those words. but I do not want controversy or awkwardness.
These days, I don't know where I'd be able to meet all of these conditions. I can probably type my words anywhere. That's easy enough. Getting a response is incredibly easy if I type it on facebook. It's also easy if I type it in some vague esoteric manner in a chat window in a flash game i play. But both of those develop controversy. The flash game is anonymous and I am too cynical to trust the people in those windows to give me genuine feelings. On facebook (or even on here, if livejournal wasn't so fucking dead), the people who know me and the people who know Stephanie are the exact same people. Well, for the most part. Even creating extra online rules to remove the 99% of these people from the list is depressing. It is the exact opposite of catharsis. While I run the gamut of danger even with facebook with these people, i take this chance to bitch. Only because i know livejournal is dead. But i hope it isn't completely dead or at least completely selectively dead. That is that those people who still visit lj aren't those made uncomfortable by being reminded that I'm depressed by this divorce.
*sigh* This is alien to me. Not only was this marriage the longest I've been in a relationship (a third of my life) but it was probably the only long-term relationship in my life. LJ is the place of emo, I suppose, because I only come back here to post things along these lines.
My home through the year, these days, is in San Marcos, Tx. But I am currently in NJ for a month. I am at my parent's home. But this used to be my home with Stephanie and the kids. It hurts. Everywehre i look there are reminders of my past life. photographs and memories. I hate it. There are moments that are enjoyable but mostly I hate it.
This is hard.