Sick
So today. I wrote a post.. and man did it provoke thought. All day today I couldn't stop thinking about how my life was in shambles. All the different things that could have ever bothered me, relationship or not, came to thought. Believe it or not, today was also the most progressive for me.
Blame.
I wish I could blame my dad for everything I do. All the habits and how I treat people. I can't even look my boyfriend in the eyes and trust him 100% because I have been taught that people are so devious. I hate that I can't do that with everyone. Customers at work, friends, relationships... I decided today that I would try my best to trust everybody. I want to trust Nick with everything. I want to be able to be without him and everything will be fine.
Trust.
There are somethings that I have never been good at talking about. My feelings are one of them. Typically I'll try my best to ignore the situation for the longest time, or argue my way into another problem if it means I don't have to talk about how much my life may suck more than the next guy. Today it was quite evident to Nick that I do it... and it made him pretty upset. He's right... I don't talk about my feelings. I hate to be a burden to add to other people's already existing problems; especially to Nick given that our relationship is in a healing coma.
Pretty much I'm still bothered by his ex. Don't you dare ask me why... I couldn't tell you for the life of me. Nick is clearly with me, and he is clearly not with Leo, but for some god-awful reason, I can't seem to let that name bother me. Even thinking about it now is hard... very hard. It's probably one of the most difficult things to deal with. I guess I am that insecure that n let stupid things like this bother me.
Physical Attraction.
I don't think of myself as a very attractive person. I think that I sometimes have a personality that attracts to people, however my physical traits need some working on. I think being in a relationship helps with that because you feel more confidant that someone, regardless of your physical appearance, wants to be with you. I like that.
I guess there is other things that I don't like... realizing the topic content... I don't think I should discuss it here :D
Time.
I wish I had all the time in the world. I wish I had enough time to work three jobs and make enough money to pay off all my debt. Better yet, I wish I was more diligent in school so that I can get my degree and make more money doing what I love to do... then pay off my debt. Most of all though, I wish I had more time to spend with Nick. I speed home every night after work... especially tonight... he was awake. I started trying to make plans... and each one failed miserably. I wish I was these other people Nick gets to see all the time... at least they get to see him smile and laugh... have fun and drink... socialize and humor people... I'm getting more and more down just thinking about it. Does this make me one of the attention desperate whores that can't survive life without people loving them. I suppose that would mean I hate myself if I am.
Information.
Nick wants me to talk to him more about my personal life. He knows that I seek Shane a lot of advice and he wants to be that person... I don't blame him. I don't think I do it enough... and the worst part is that only now do I realize that. [Tomorrow he's going out with Serena... He was deemed 'ready now' for ASM... I don't think he was going to tell me... ] I guess this is how he feels every time I ask Shane about something. Man... it sucks.
Roller Coaster Emotions.
This morning I woke up depressed. Drove around with Nick and got more depressed. Went to work ... felt better. Came home feeling great compared to yesterday.... and now... I think I'm back where I started. I can't sleep... I can't even lay there without thinking about how horrible I am as a boyfriend... how much I just don't get it. My stomach hurts so badly right now, I can't even describe to you. This reminds me of Keanu Reaves(sp?) and when he says whoa. It's that kind of nauseous whoa that you can't control, you know that it isn't going anywhere, and you know you have to deal with it for a while... so what do you do? Deal? I guess short of killing yourself, you just deal.
Tomorrow I won't get to see Nick. I probably won't even get to talk to him much. By the time I get home... he'll be passed out from celebrating... I guess It'll be in my mind that I'm celebrating with him.
I feel like I just forgot to tell my Mom Happy Birthday. That feeling of guilt. Loss. Sadness. That you're so god-dam lame for forgetting. That you could have wrote yourself a note or had a friend remind you. I have never done that... but I guess how I feel now is something simlar to this experience.
[cry break]
Well I guess I'll end this post. Have some vodka. Maybe cry some more. Then try to sleep. I have to work 16 hours tomorrow.
Blame.
I wish I could blame my dad for everything I do. All the habits and how I treat people. I can't even look my boyfriend in the eyes and trust him 100% because I have been taught that people are so devious. I hate that I can't do that with everyone. Customers at work, friends, relationships... I decided today that I would try my best to trust everybody. I want to trust Nick with everything. I want to be able to be without him and everything will be fine.
Trust.
There are somethings that I have never been good at talking about. My feelings are one of them. Typically I'll try my best to ignore the situation for the longest time, or argue my way into another problem if it means I don't have to talk about how much my life may suck more than the next guy. Today it was quite evident to Nick that I do it... and it made him pretty upset. He's right... I don't talk about my feelings. I hate to be a burden to add to other people's already existing problems; especially to Nick given that our relationship is in a healing coma.
Pretty much I'm still bothered by his ex. Don't you dare ask me why... I couldn't tell you for the life of me. Nick is clearly with me, and he is clearly not with Leo, but for some god-awful reason, I can't seem to let that name bother me. Even thinking about it now is hard... very hard. It's probably one of the most difficult things to deal with. I guess I am that insecure that n let stupid things like this bother me.
Physical Attraction.
I don't think of myself as a very attractive person. I think that I sometimes have a personality that attracts to people, however my physical traits need some working on. I think being in a relationship helps with that because you feel more confidant that someone, regardless of your physical appearance, wants to be with you. I like that.
I guess there is other things that I don't like... realizing the topic content... I don't think I should discuss it here :D
Time.
I wish I had all the time in the world. I wish I had enough time to work three jobs and make enough money to pay off all my debt. Better yet, I wish I was more diligent in school so that I can get my degree and make more money doing what I love to do... then pay off my debt. Most of all though, I wish I had more time to spend with Nick. I speed home every night after work... especially tonight... he was awake. I started trying to make plans... and each one failed miserably. I wish I was these other people Nick gets to see all the time... at least they get to see him smile and laugh... have fun and drink... socialize and humor people... I'm getting more and more down just thinking about it. Does this make me one of the attention desperate whores that can't survive life without people loving them. I suppose that would mean I hate myself if I am.
Information.
Nick wants me to talk to him more about my personal life. He knows that I seek Shane a lot of advice and he wants to be that person... I don't blame him. I don't think I do it enough... and the worst part is that only now do I realize that. [Tomorrow he's going out with Serena... He was deemed 'ready now' for ASM... I don't think he was going to tell me... ] I guess this is how he feels every time I ask Shane about something. Man... it sucks.
Roller Coaster Emotions.
This morning I woke up depressed. Drove around with Nick and got more depressed. Went to work ... felt better. Came home feeling great compared to yesterday.... and now... I think I'm back where I started. I can't sleep... I can't even lay there without thinking about how horrible I am as a boyfriend... how much I just don't get it. My stomach hurts so badly right now, I can't even describe to you. This reminds me of Keanu Reaves(sp?) and when he says whoa. It's that kind of nauseous whoa that you can't control, you know that it isn't going anywhere, and you know you have to deal with it for a while... so what do you do? Deal? I guess short of killing yourself, you just deal.
Tomorrow I won't get to see Nick. I probably won't even get to talk to him much. By the time I get home... he'll be passed out from celebrating... I guess It'll be in my mind that I'm celebrating with him.
I feel like I just forgot to tell my Mom Happy Birthday. That feeling of guilt. Loss. Sadness. That you're so god-dam lame for forgetting. That you could have wrote yourself a note or had a friend remind you. I have never done that... but I guess how I feel now is something simlar to this experience.
[cry break]
Well I guess I'll end this post. Have some vodka. Maybe cry some more. Then try to sleep. I have to work 16 hours tomorrow.