Heaven and Hell
Dillon is going and I think I won't!! or that rather I don't want to go anymore. . .
How can he chose this guy that has put so much heartache on me for the past 2.5 years to still be friends with over what is going to be best for the marriage!
The guy pushed and pushed and now I am completely drained. . do I just let go of my marriage? or do I try to retaliate? Do I let him really have that much power or am I just finally to the point where I am truly sick? I am so tired of this battle that seems to not have an end in sight!?
He leaves a note on the door to tell me this news then says we need to have a discussion. The guy is going and DH wants to remain friends. . am I supposed to just go okay!? I then hear the lovely words of "bros before hos" and I am going okay so now we are back to that. . we are back to me being the slut wife who you can truly live without. Then it is how he doesn't mean it like that but that is how he means it. . he means that he is more willing to stand up for his bud than his wife. I thought it was supposed to be that you chose your life mate and that is supposed to be top priority? I know that is how I look at it? I mean am I really that bad of a wife that my own husband looks at me with such contempt and vile that he can't even stand the thought of losing his bud to save his marriage. I guess I know where I stand and if I stay with him. . yes that is an "IF". . then I'll have to swallow that too. I have to accept this guy and not give my husband any shit about hanging around him. . I have to accept that he isn't going to tell this guy that he isn't allowed to talk bad about me. . I have to accept that tomorrow is another day and I'll be just one step closer to the grave and is that how I want to live out the remainders of life? Unhappy cause some idiot friend of my husband is allowed to trash me cause my husband can't grow a damned pair of balls and tell him off!! How does that work? I give up everything to live here with you. . I give up a job, a life on my own, my friends, my family, my horses. . .EVERYTHING!! And this is how I get repaid.. I get repaid by being handed over and over again the ultimatum of it is either you quit bitching about these people who trash you or get the hell out?? Dillon=Divorce. . I swear everytime Dillon's name gets brought up I also hear the word divorce!! I am just so . . . AHHHAAAGGGGHHHHHHH
I would die for this guy and I know I am not happy without him but I'm not happy with him? Is there no middle ground? Is there no rest for the weary? Is there no resolution for the broken hearts? Can I not find happiness in marriage. . am I doomed to be dealing with abuse in every relationship?
I hate this feeling that I am always second to his family and friends. . bros before hos . . blood before bond. . I guess I just don't deserve to be happy in this lifetime with the man that I know in my heart I am supposed to be with?