History and Revelations
Well. . okay so I am a little better about writing in this particular journal (right now anyways) than I have been in a while. We'll see how long that continues. .
I am having a revelation. . and in order for me to explain the revelation I need to put a little history in here. So here goes. . .
In HS I was no beauty queen. . and I don't think I am now either but that is where it begins. In HS, I had so many guys that I wanted so desperately to be more than just friends - but that is all they ever were to me. Then my senior year things started changing. . I got to where I couldn’t figure out half the time if they didn’t want to be more or if they were just scared to approach me . . like I was on a pedestal. I didn't understand it. . . and of course it just got worse to the point where a couple of months before I married my first husband a good friend, who I had always wanted to be more than just a friend but never was, made a declaration of love to me in an ultimatum. He told me that he didn't want me to be with this guy, who to everyone else it was so obvious that I didn't belong with, and that it was either his friendship or this marriage. When I asked where he got off saying those type of comments, his reply was that he loved me and had for a long time only he didn't think he was in my league. . . ???? I stormed out of the house . . never saw him again. . . too bad I didn't listen to his advise cause the marriage was an abusive one.
Deja vu struck a little over 2 years later when the guy I am currently married to (Jon) told me that I didn't need to be with this guy I was currently married to and that it was either the marriage or the friendship. . . I learned from my mistakes in the past, friends see things that you are sometimes too close to the situation to see. I ended my marriage and ended up dating Jon for about 9 months off and on before we got married. . of course there is a ton of craziness between the breakups. The first breakup we decided to try and stay friends. That killed me and obviously him cause he wanted me back fairly quick but the happiness nor the relationship was due to stick around at that particular time in history because we also broke up with no friendship remaining fairly quick too. I "dated" a lotta guys during this stage of time. . mainly to just hurt them. I hated men!! I also ended up "dating" women at this time too. Then he called. . he called and told me he loved me. . he missed me but that the distance was still there (did I mention that he got transferred to MD and I was still in TX during all this?) and that he just couldn't deal with the distance. I think I lost it that night for the first time since we had broke up. . and the guy I was dating was great . . he understood. . he was there. . . but then he decided also that it might be best if we were just friends not long after, and I didn't know why till after me and Jon got married. But that night I told this particular guy that I hated all the hurtful things I had done in the past. . how many hearts I had crushed just cause I could. . just cause it helped ease my pain. I was a black widow till that point. . and I didn't care! I made guys fall for me only so I could have them follow me around like lost puppies and whimper for my attention. I was so cruel, so uncaring, so heartless. . and that seems so vain to me now to have ever thought I was something that every guy should pay attention too. . that every guy should worship! Looking back on that is painful now. . it really is. . and given the current circumstances even more so. . . but I am getting off track. Jon then called about a month later to tell me that he was getting deployed but that he didn't really call thinking I cared. . just that he thought I should know. I figured at that point that it was time to let go of him and honestly work on trying to find someone new to love. I found a guy who I thought I was in love with. . I was in love with his kids though I think more than anything. He proposed to me 7 months after we started dating but I couldn't consent to marry him... but I promised I would give it a lot of consideration. Then Jon called. . he emailed. . he was back in my life again. . and he wanted me to be back in his. I was lost. . I was confused. . I didn't know where I wanted to be. . .then he was actually back in my state, my town, my home. . my arms and I knew where I was supposed to be. We were engaged two weeks later, married two weeks after that and I was moving to Maryland two weeks after that. Talk about a whirlwind!!! . . . . . but then the guy that had been there when I first lost it after me and Jon broke up the last time calls and tells me why he decided that we were better off just friends. . he didn't want to be the guy stepping aside, brokenhearted, when Jon came back. That became a common thread in my life. This sounds vain but guys fall for me and I don't see it or at the very least don't see the depth of it or just haven't cared and then I find out/ wake up/ whatever and all I can do is remember how I much in love with Jon I was and how for so long I was denied access to him . . denied to be able to speak the feeling I had for him. . denied almost to feel anything. It kills me. . . really does. .
But that is the revelation. . this common thread. . this thing that seems to find its way to my doorstep and always makes me remember the pain. The pain I caused others on purpose. . the pain that I felt when I couldn't have my hearts desire. . and the pain that I have unwillingly or unknowingly caused along the way . . . Sad I know. . but it was there and what really gets me is during all of that never once did I honestly believe that any of those guys that I had crushed really thought of me as something beautiful, as something rare. . I get reminded of that a lot now too. Hard with all of that there that I still don’t see how anyone looks at me and thinks that I am anything beyond ordinary. I guess that sounds a little silly or like I am fishing for compliments but I really am not. I constantly ask my husband now what he sees in me. . I guess it is the whole ugly duckling syndrome. . I always thought of myself as plain, ordinary, simple girl next door. . . never thought I was anything. It didn’t help much that my first husband thought just that and usually told me how much he wanted to change about my body? I still have a hard time looking in the mirror and not wanting to go have plastic surgery or implants or lose 60lbs . . . then I try to remember that in my younger years I didn’t want guys to like me for my looks. . I wanted them to notice me because I am smart and accomplished, because I am someone that knows where she is going in life not cause I have a Barbie doll figure. So I guess it works. . .either way you look at it. .
Anyways. . I am ranting. . . I need to go home.