what to do...
Tonight I found myself talking with an old friend. A friend who has never been the closest but was always there to show me that it wasn't the end of the world and that I wasn't the only one who was going through bad times. Well, it happened again tonight, by complete accident. The past couple of weeks have been spent trying to decide what I actually want to do with my life. Do I really want to teach? I'm not sure to tell you the truth. What I truly want is to be a writer. The only problem is that I get discouraged quite easily. I love to write. I'm not the best orator, so discussing my feelings with others is usually out of the question. It doesn't help that I live with a bunch of guys either. For some reason, we don't share our feelings much at all. It's hard because we are all best friends who decided to live together at some pont or another in the past few years. I have a couple friends who I think would actually listen, but I'm afraid they'd just tell me what I want to hear. It seemed that my two outlets from the insanity known as The Shores are diminishing. I seem to be drifting apart from one and the other has been pilled into the insanity herself. I could talk to her, but it seems that I never have a chance to be alone with her for five minutes without someone popping their head in. Both of these people are younger than me, but both seem to know my strengths and weaknesses. Sometimes I just don't want to burden people with my problems, so I stick my smile on and go about my day. I have so many questions that I need answered, but my mind can't decide on what the right answer is. Logic cannot help me, for I am not a logical person. So many wuestions unanswered, such as...Do I need to finish school? Will it be worth it? Will I ever use my degree? Where do I want to live? If I do want to move away and start from scratch, when is the right time? Where would I go?
Sometimes I think that I have the answers to these questions, but they change as if I were putting a quarter in and pulling a handle on my head. I cannot decide what I'd like to do. Here are my problems... My friends are my life. I am very sentimental and hate losing friends. Moving away would stop most communication from these people I care about most. I love the people I am around more than I love myself sometimes.
Is it time I just got on with my life and do what's best for number one? I've never been like that. At least not that I can see. I feel like I put others' needs before my own too much. But I enjoy doing what I can for them, even if they may not notice it. For instance, I had a devent summer job in San Antonio that would have allowed me to get back into school without any problems. The only problem was my stepmom back home. We don't get along at all. So, rather than put my father in the middle of it all, I came back to Corpus to start over again. I could have allowed the, to fight and not really care one way or another how she felt, but I couln't put my dad through all of that.
Where is all this going? I really can't tell you. It's not because I don't want you to know, but because I, myself, don't know for sure. It's quite possible that I merely needed to get this out in the open. I just know that I'm not the only one who's scared and I need to realize that.
The wind is moving
But I am standing still
A life of pages
Waiting to be filled
A heart that's hopeful
A head that's full of dreams
But this becoming
Is harder than it seems
Feels like I'm
Looking for a reason
Roamin' through the night to find
My place in this world...
Sometimes I think that I have the answers to these questions, but they change as if I were putting a quarter in and pulling a handle on my head. I cannot decide what I'd like to do. Here are my problems... My friends are my life. I am very sentimental and hate losing friends. Moving away would stop most communication from these people I care about most. I love the people I am around more than I love myself sometimes.
Is it time I just got on with my life and do what's best for number one? I've never been like that. At least not that I can see. I feel like I put others' needs before my own too much. But I enjoy doing what I can for them, even if they may not notice it. For instance, I had a devent summer job in San Antonio that would have allowed me to get back into school without any problems. The only problem was my stepmom back home. We don't get along at all. So, rather than put my father in the middle of it all, I came back to Corpus to start over again. I could have allowed the, to fight and not really care one way or another how she felt, but I couln't put my dad through all of that.
Where is all this going? I really can't tell you. It's not because I don't want you to know, but because I, myself, don't know for sure. It's quite possible that I merely needed to get this out in the open. I just know that I'm not the only one who's scared and I need to realize that.
The wind is moving
But I am standing still
A life of pages
Waiting to be filled
A heart that's hopeful
A head that's full of dreams
But this becoming
Is harder than it seems
Feels like I'm
Looking for a reason
Roamin' through the night to find
My place in this world...