i'd laugh if i weren't so desperetly sad.
Oleander Time. Lovers who kill eachother now will blame it on the wind.
Fuck. Dont we hate loving someone? ahh. so many times, so many people. i hate to even love family, too afraid ill regret it. there are few people ive learned to love. im sure they know who they are. so many people ive been to afraid to love, so much in love: trust, accompany, friendship, listening, no backstabbing, if any of that were ever possible. There must be an escape to all of this. but alas. ive found mine inexorably. snowboarding or walking alone. The snow is like a white sea, one could go out and be lost in it... and forget the world.
The show friday: is what ive been looking forward to since i heard about it. Now i dont think i can go. From my own doing. But i will find a way to go. If that way includes sneaking out and hitchhiking there, then so be it. I WILL go to that show. Julie is going and that is my only chance for a while to see her, and for the while i havent seen her, so i must now. The Reason: I got suspended yesterday for the most retarded reason. This kid wrote 'pussy' on my pants with an arrow towards my groin. *i dont know why i let him write on my pants* so i wrote 'penis' on his pants with an arrow just the same. When we got mourned to the office, we both got suspended cause he wrote more on his pants that was equally inappropriate. The principal didnt find out about him writing on my pants. Even if she had, nothing would have changed. So i figured there was no point in addressing the situation. The Preposperous-ness: Father wasnt all that mad. He just thought it was just a stupid situation. and i knew better. *whatever* BUT, he has to dicipline me in some way to pay up to mold himself to his own standards. He pretty much said, i can still go to Banquet, but, he doesnt know if i can go to the show friday. When i saw he wasnt all that mad, but told me i might not be able to go to the show, i smirked and thought to myself "what a crock." ah. what do i care? What can ya do?
"I cant help my laughter as she cries. My soul brings tears, to angelic eyes." so sings my stereo.
Satan's Part, in Paradise Lost:: What though the field be lost? All is not lost; the inconquerable will, And study of revenge, immortal hate, And courage never to submit or yield.
Ah. Kayla i read your latest update. It's a dark day for love. For everyone i guess. You must find a boy your own age, someone mild and beautiful to be you lover. Someone who will tremble for your touch, offer you a marguerite by its long stem with his eyes lowered, someone who's fingers are a poem. Never lie down with just ok. You deserve more. More than permissable.
Things are getting more lonely. Jon and i are in a dispute. About what? who knows, its always something small. i like to be alone. ive learned to live with it cause there seems to be no one around that can hold a conversation with me that has the same mind as me. or that knows how my mind works, how i think of things. so things get really lonely when leah and brian arent here. Now you all see why i get so excited to see leah and brian, or when i get a ride home with cody and kayla. leah and brian left a day ago? two? i dont know. but im quite lonely. I miss julie and mum so much. i could talk to them both. they both knew how i thought, and i conjured things up in my mind. ever since i moved up here, ah, its weird not being able to hold a conversation with someone. even at school. The way i think of it: Lonliness is a human condition. Cultivate it. The way it tunnels into you allows your soul room to grow. Never expect to outgrow lonliness. Never hope to find people who will inderstand you, someone to fill that space. An intelligent sensitive person is the exception, the very great exception. If you expect to find people who will understand you, you will grow murderous with disappointment. The best you'll ever do isunderstand yourself, know what it is you want and not let people stand in your way.
I care too much to let this all slip away. i will see you there julie. if it kills me. I cry as i write this all cause it scares me to think there maybe something that might stand in my way. Stand in my way of seeing you. Then knowing you'll be parting in just a short day or two. I want to see you, i want to see how much your hair has grown, i want to see everything that has changed my Partner In Crime. Yet, as i think of the show and when i finally do see your face again, im afraid i might cry and i might go all out and hug you so long and so tight that ill make the biggest fool of myself, cause ive never been like that towards you. Ive always been with you, i never have had to deal with not being able to see you for this long. *tries to gather self together. wipes overflowing eyes* when and if i make it to this show, i will try my hardest not to make a fool out of both of us. This is just how much i miss you.
"oh my god, my god this cant be happening. god tell me this isnt real, all that i have forseen is finally happening, i cannot for a single second, stand the way i feel. I always knew. I always saw it coming. Enveloped now, encased by my first fear. I never felt the nausea of longing to feal nothing, i never wanted to cease, to exist, just disappear. Fear of memories are all that lie ahead. Never have i felt so lost. Memories dull my senses. Fear of tragedy is all that lies ahead. Never have i felt so dead. Once felt so warm, no im fucking freezing, i am the once embraced abandoned one. i raised my eyes up to the light in hope of finding healing. No relief was mine, i was burnt, by the sun. Fear of memory is all that lies ahead. Never have i felt so lost. Memories dull my senses. Fear of tragedy is all that lies ahead. Never have i felt so dead." so sings my stereo NOW.
well. its been a long update. i think i may update later. but if i dont, its cause ive said most everything ive needed to say for so long, in just this entry. *can anyone tell i want to be a writer?* i think im getting better at using my words and just the way i sy things when i write. i love it.
xoxo
i cannot disregard, with each new fall. i hit twice as hard