Ugh
Well, I was dreading it and it happened - Justin and I had our official first fight as a couple. *sigh* It was bad and of course, my fault. Really. Way too much to drink and way too many emotions. It did make me realize, though, how much I hate the thought of losing him. Not that I didn't know already. The big thing is that some things came up while we were fighting that I don't think I can take back or make okay. He's been at work since early this morning and apparently is going to have to work late tonight so I don't really know how he's feeling about it. I hate this. I hate beating myself up for things I do when I drink. I think it's time to stop. Problem is, I ran out of my adderall way early this month (imagine that) and I'm so high strung and confused from stopping it so suddenly I'm kind of self medicating with alcohol I guess. That and Justin drinks all day every day so it's hard to not do it when it's always there. Kind of like Leaving Las Vegas, I promised him long ago that I would never ask him to quit drinking or see a doctor for any health problems that develop. I understand his path of self destruction too well to try to stop it. I guess that's all I'm going to say for today. I'm getting rather paranoid about who's reading my journal and all that since people have seen fit to be so mean to me on here. Even making it friends only wouldn't really calm that feeling but I guess that might be what I have to do. I'm going to have to get some people off the friends list first, that's for sure! More later if I get my head more together. I'm suffering a hangover I fear may last for a few days. :( Again, my fault.
