CSI-fic: Mistakes (24/35)
Title: Mistakes
Author: TXLtoSFO
Fandom: CSI:LV
Pairing: Sara Sidle/OC
Rating: PG to NC-17 (NC-17-rated chapters will be noted in the cut)
Disclaimer: CSI, its characters, places, and situations are property of Jerry Bruckheimer Television, Alliance Atlantis and CBS Productions. This story was written for entertainment, not monetary purposes. Original characters, and this story are intellectual property of the author. Any similarities to existing characters, fictional or real, living or dead, are coincidental and no harm is intended.
Spoiler/Warnings: None
Summary: Someone from Sara's past shows up in an unexpected position in Vegas and quite a drama ensues. Sara thinks some mistakes can't be forgive and forgotten but Catherine is convinced that everyone deserves a second chance and tries her best to get Sara to the point of forgiveness.
Notes: Sofia and Leonard help Eli and Sara to make things a little clearer for themselves.
Mistakes
24. Pep talks
It was seven in the morning and Leonard Einstein stood, patiently waiting, at the CSI front desk. He desperately tried to not look like he'd just spent the whole night awake and still wore the same clothes he had put over 24 hours ago now. But the crinkles in his dark grey shirt just wouldn't flatten and his jeans had an unaesthetic coffee stain on the thigh. He knew he had a stubble and really didn't look very presentable. But Eli had messaged him that she'd be having breakfast with a friend and something had gone wrong between her and Sara just as he'd arrived at McCarran. His gut had directed him right to the lab. He knew about the mail and just how excited Eli had been, but now she'd just sounded beat, if he read right what was said between the lines. He needed to see Sara before he went to Eli's. And there was this little voice in his head that repeated over and over again: You might see Catherine...
"Mr. Einstein!"
Oh, well, yeah! His heart skipped a beat and now he was absolutely sure he was in trouble. Catherine Willows smiled broadly, strawberry blonde hair in light curls, low cut purple blouse, tight black slacks, hips swaying softly as she approached him.
"Miss Willows', it's- a genuine pleasure to see you again."
She leaned in and kissed his cheek chastely, bracing her hand on his chest.
"Eli didn't mention you were visiting Vegas again. But it sure is a nice surprise. What brings you to the lab? Det. Trent should be at the PD, shift's not over yet."
"Actually, I didn't plan on coming here, but I need to see a, uh, friend first."
The receptionist handed him a visitor pass and his identification back.
Catherine silently wondered what this was about and whom Leonard could know. Then Sara turned a corner and as soon as she saw Leonard she froze mid-move and looked utterly perplexed. But it was too late to hide, he'd already seen her. Cath frowned and her glance flickered between Leonard and Sara.
Leonard looked a bit anxious and Sara had put her typical stoic expression back on.
"And there she is, just the person I was looking for." He spoke into Sara's direction and gestured her to wait a moment, before he turned towards Catherine again.
"Miss Willows, do you have any plans for tonight already? I thought we could go out and have a drink. Eli, you, me and whoever would like to join us, it'd be great to get to know the people Eli works with. Would it be possible to convince you?"
Maybe she'd get an explanation then. And she honestly looked forward to spend a little more time with Leonard.
"I'd love to. And please call me Catherine."
"Catherine." He repeated and loved how her name sounded when he spoke it. "Why don't you come over before, say around seven, no take out this time, I'll cook and then we'll go out."
"You'll cook?" She seemed honestly surprised.
"I was told I'm not too bad at that, though Eli is the real artist."
She grinned.
"Alright, seven it is. I'm sorry, I got a lot of work to do. See you then."
And she sauntered away into the maze of glass-wall lined corridors of the lab.
Leonard exhaled, he was definitely looking forward to this evening. Now that was settled, on to more serious things.
Sara still stood frozen at the corner.
"Hi Sara." He greeted her.
"Hello Leonard." Her tone was cold. She was confused about his sudden emergence, even more so after what had happened this night. He couldn't possibly already know.
"Uh, do you have a minute? I'd like to talk to you."
Sara shrugged and decided just to listen and find out what that was all about. She pointed to the break room and started walking towards it, Leonard at her heels.
She poured both of them a coffee and mentioned him to sit down.
"What happened tonight, Sara?"
She groaned and buried her head in her hands.
"Look, I don't know a thing really, I just arrived an hour ago and as I turned my phone on again I had a message from Eli. Saying nothing concrete, just that something had gone wrong between the two of you today. I came here on a hunch that it'd be important that I talked to you before I meet Eli. When's your shift over?"
Sara scowled, but was somehow glad Leonard had appeared. He would know what could possibly drive Eli to say the things she had said.
"In about an hour. And I got no leads on my case so far, so there's no need for overtime today."
"Then I'd suggest we'd have breakfast together. Preferably somewhere Eli wouldn't go, since she's doing the same thing with a friend, at least she told me that."
The wheels started turning in Sara's head. Who would Eli talk with? Catherine hadn't shown any sign that she knew anything yet. Sofia. She'd talk to Sofia.
"I know a place. I gotta... I have to finish up. Stay here, have another coffee if you like. I'll pick you up as soon as I'm done."
*******
"Argh, Eli! You screwed up big time! God, what have you been thinking?"
Sofia's fork had clattered down on her plate as Eli had told her what scene had taken place behind the CSI building.
They stared each other down, angry blue eyes unblinkingly locked with defiant brown ones.
They ate in silence.
They ordered beer, their coffees untouched.
"I don't fall for fools, so I know you aren't one. I get your fear, Eli, I do, believe me. But the person you're so afraid of isn't you anymore. You won't be able to avoid hurting Sara, just to make that clear. But not in the ways you are fearing the most. But you will hurt her. You will forget about a meeting because you're wrapped up in work. You will say something and she'll completely miss the meaning and be royally mad at you. For a minute, an hour, hell even for a couple of days. Should you ever become involved, romantically, that is, there are even more traps. You'll spoil a date by picking the wrong restaurant, eating half-raw steaks in front of her, getting drunk too fast, you'll be tired when she isn't, if you get my drift on that one, you'll argue about scattered clothes in the living room or dishes piling up beside an empty dishwasher. You'll get angry and say things you'll regret the second you say them, but the thing is, you are aware that they were wrong. You know your flaws better than most people ever will. Because you spent a quarter of your life on reversing them."
"I-"
"Don't say a thing, I'm not done yet! Do you trust me, Eli!"
"I think I do, yeah."
"Then close your eyes and tell me what you see."
"The insides of my eyelids." Eli snapped, still annoyed and angry.
"Smartass!"
"I see her, I always see her."
A warm hand settled on her chest, right above her heart.
"What do you feel seeing her, in here?" The hand pressed down a bit. Sofia's voice was soft now, and tinged with a tiny bit of sadness, but even and firm.
"Fear, love, doubt, amazement." Eli enumerated honestly.
"You're allowed to be afraid, you're allowed to have doubts. I you wouldn't after all the two of you have been through, you'd be a heartless, self-absorbed bitch. And hey, you've been there, done that. Not anymore. What's important are the other two. She amazes you? Hold on to that feeling the next time you see her. You love her? Then there's nothing left to say for me but: get her, tiger!"
Eyes still closed, Sofia's hand still resting on her chest, Eli smiled, suddenly giddy, that was something only Sofia could say without making it sound extremely clichéd.
"Get her, tiger?"
The hand was withdrawn and Eli blinked and stared at a pouting blonde back on her seat across from her in the booth.
Eli grinned.
"You're lovely when you look like that. And yeah, fuck, you're right, but it seems so hard."
"Trent, if anything remotely connected to the big feeling that is love would be easy, we'd both not be sitting here. I'd still be with my first love and you'd already be celebrating your tenth or eleventh anniversary with Sara."
Now Eli outright laughed.
"How do you do that, Sophie? You, and Catherine for her part, you know always what to say to make me feel at almost complete ease with anything that's bugging me."
"You should know that it's always easier to give others advice or stuff their faces right into what they should understand than using that knowledge for one self."
"True."
"I know." Sofia grinned smugly. "And what would be my reward for guiding you back on the right path or better, setting your head straight? Half an hour of wildly making out in the backseat of my car?"
Eli's jaw dropped significantly.
"You wish, Curtis..." She squinted her eyes as Sofia leaned a bit over the table.
"Actually, yes. Could be really somewhat satisfying for me, taking into account your previous experiences, I wonder how many times-" She leaned back and crossed her arms in front of her chest, cockily leering as Eli screeched and threw her hands in the air.
"Aaaahhh, stop it, Sofia. Pictures, pictures!"
"Glad to make you share my suffering for at least a minute or so." Still she smiled.
"You're such a tease, Curtis, and it's getting you nowhere. First you give me possible relationship advice in all honesty and then-" Sofia waved and Eli stopped talking.
"Aw, shut up! Are you feeling better now?"
"Considerably. No, I feel much better."
"And you're laughing, that's what I wanted to hear."
Eli pursed her lips and nodded. "Yeah..."
Then a shocked expression of insight ran across Eli's features.
" God, how am I ever going to apologize? I can't back down like that and pretend like nothing ever happened the next day and just act normal again."
"Think of something out of the ordinary. Take her some place special and apologize there. You got the money, you can make almost anything happen."
"Sara doesn't care about money." Frowning, Eli tipped her fingers over her mouth at a slow pace, thinking.
"That's why I said make it special, make it count. Make it so she forgets about what it might have cost you because she's so enthralled that she doesn't even start to think about it."
"Sofia, you're a piece of gold!"
"Ts, I already knew that!"
*******
"You're not eating." Leonard forked up another piece of maple syrup-soaked pancake while Sara only picked at her omelet.
"I'm not really hungry. Just repeating those words makes me nauseous. And so mad." She sighed deeply.
"Tell me Leonard, you know her, I mean, really know her, what makes her tick. Why would she fight so hard for another chance and the moment I'm giving it to her, start to open up, accept that there is more than just a slight possibility for us to become friends again, she retreats so vehemently? Why?" Sara shook her head and absent-mindedly sipped her lukewarm coffee.
Leonard smiled, irritating Sara even more. He stuffed a couple of melon chunks into his mouth and chewed. He liked Sara. Genuinely. He could only imagine how she must have been like when she was in her early twenties, what a challenge she must have represented for Eli, and still did. He swallowed and set his fork down, folding his hands over the plate, elbows propped up on the table. Sara seemed lost in thought as the diner buzzed loudly around them with the morning business, orders were barked into the kitchen, the coffee maker gurgled, announcing a fresh load was almost finished, people chatted excitedly between bites of toasts, scrambled eggs or pancakes and the bell over the entrance door chimed every few seconds. He took a deep breath.
"You're smart, you know the answer already, she gave it to you. Process what she said again, as if it was evidence and take into account everything that brought you here, from the day you met up until today."
Sara gazed at him bleakly. The major events between them during the last twelve-and-then-some years rushed through her head. Meeting, finding a connection, common grounds, becoming friends, fighting like the cat and dog they were, Eli's attitude, her own feelings, telling her her deepest truths, attraction, denial, then being deceived, losing Claire, hate, despise, hurt, anger, meeting again, Eli a mere shadow of her former self, more anger, then Vegas. A different woman, yet so much more herself than ever before, doubt, still so much anger, faint hope, renewed attraction, observing, evaluating, approaching, trying, reconnecting, being pushed away.
"Sara, do you think she might hurt you again one day?"
She raised her head to meet Leonard's questioning gaze.
"Oh yes, I do."
He cocked his head.
"Still you wrote that mail, are willing to give her a chance?"
"Yes." Sara's expression was stern and focused.
"Are you afraid?"
"Terrified." That was easy to admit. Yes, Eli sure wasn't the only one scared shitless at times.
"Why did you do it anyways?"
"Because I want to believe that it won't happen again. That she's really learned from her mistakes."
Sara had never thought that she might be the one taking the leap of faith.
"Believe me, she has. And you are obviously much stronger than Eli is right now. She's trying to protect you from a side of her that doesn't even exist anymore. Face it, Sara, she loves you so much that even the mere thought of her eventually ever hurting you again, on any kind of level is killing her."
"But if we never try then we'll never know. And we'll always be wondering what could have happened, if it might have worked out fine in the end. That hurts, too! It hurts even more than trying and failing." She spit those words out angrily.
"Then go and tell her exactly that. That it already hurts, that her denial, her false sense of protectiveness hurts."
Sara looked down at her wobbly and cold breakfast and nodded.
"Thank you, Leonard."
He smiled warily and gently placed his hand over Sara's on the scratched PVC table cover.
"Oh, you're welcome, Sara. I love that woman, she is my best friend. I can't be happy as long as she is not."
Smiling, Sara scrutinized Leonard.
"And you think I can do that, make her happy?"
He gave her hand a little squeeze.
"Depends on what you are really feeling. She loves you, with all her heart. She'd settle for a friendship, but that wouldn't be happiness, that would just offer a certain peace of mind. So what do you feel."
"I'm not sure." Sara hesitated. "I did miss her. I missed my friend, the Eli I trusted. But I also missed the feelings she aroused in me. She broke my heart in more ways than one. I am attracted to her, there definitely is no denying it. I don't know if I love her though."
"What if she just came up to you and kissed you, right here, right now?"
He withdrew his hand, giving her a moment to think.
Anticipation, glee even flooded through Sara. She closed her eyes and tried to imagine. Eli, in her stainless, perfect shirt, her flattering well-tailored slacks, a bright smile on her face, walking up to her with that unmistakable, gentle swagger. Her stomach fluttered and she felt her cheeks grow hot. Eli's hand caressing her face with a warm and enticing touch, leaning in, ever so slowly. A shy brush of lips leaving a tingle, the tingle quickly transforming into hunger. Oh my...
"God!" She exclaimed, her eyes flying wide open.
Leonard grinned.
"You look a little flushed, Miss Sidle, should I be worried, are you catching a cold or something?"
She groaned. "Not funny, Leonard."
"Now think what the real thing would do to you. I think you have your answer."
"Yeah-", she replied with a raspy voice. "I most certainly do."
Author: TXLtoSFO
Fandom: CSI:LV
Pairing: Sara Sidle/OC
Rating: PG to NC-17 (NC-17-rated chapters will be noted in the cut)
Disclaimer: CSI, its characters, places, and situations are property of Jerry Bruckheimer Television, Alliance Atlantis and CBS Productions. This story was written for entertainment, not monetary purposes. Original characters, and this story are intellectual property of the author. Any similarities to existing characters, fictional or real, living or dead, are coincidental and no harm is intended.
Spoiler/Warnings: None
Summary: Someone from Sara's past shows up in an unexpected position in Vegas and quite a drama ensues. Sara thinks some mistakes can't be forgive and forgotten but Catherine is convinced that everyone deserves a second chance and tries her best to get Sara to the point of forgiveness.
Notes: Sofia and Leonard help Eli and Sara to make things a little clearer for themselves.
Mistakes
24. Pep talks
It was seven in the morning and Leonard Einstein stood, patiently waiting, at the CSI front desk. He desperately tried to not look like he'd just spent the whole night awake and still wore the same clothes he had put over 24 hours ago now. But the crinkles in his dark grey shirt just wouldn't flatten and his jeans had an unaesthetic coffee stain on the thigh. He knew he had a stubble and really didn't look very presentable. But Eli had messaged him that she'd be having breakfast with a friend and something had gone wrong between her and Sara just as he'd arrived at McCarran. His gut had directed him right to the lab. He knew about the mail and just how excited Eli had been, but now she'd just sounded beat, if he read right what was said between the lines. He needed to see Sara before he went to Eli's. And there was this little voice in his head that repeated over and over again: You might see Catherine...
"Mr. Einstein!"
Oh, well, yeah! His heart skipped a beat and now he was absolutely sure he was in trouble. Catherine Willows smiled broadly, strawberry blonde hair in light curls, low cut purple blouse, tight black slacks, hips swaying softly as she approached him.
"Miss Willows', it's- a genuine pleasure to see you again."
She leaned in and kissed his cheek chastely, bracing her hand on his chest.
"Eli didn't mention you were visiting Vegas again. But it sure is a nice surprise. What brings you to the lab? Det. Trent should be at the PD, shift's not over yet."
"Actually, I didn't plan on coming here, but I need to see a, uh, friend first."
The receptionist handed him a visitor pass and his identification back.
Catherine silently wondered what this was about and whom Leonard could know. Then Sara turned a corner and as soon as she saw Leonard she froze mid-move and looked utterly perplexed. But it was too late to hide, he'd already seen her. Cath frowned and her glance flickered between Leonard and Sara.
Leonard looked a bit anxious and Sara had put her typical stoic expression back on.
"And there she is, just the person I was looking for." He spoke into Sara's direction and gestured her to wait a moment, before he turned towards Catherine again.
"Miss Willows, do you have any plans for tonight already? I thought we could go out and have a drink. Eli, you, me and whoever would like to join us, it'd be great to get to know the people Eli works with. Would it be possible to convince you?"
Maybe she'd get an explanation then. And she honestly looked forward to spend a little more time with Leonard.
"I'd love to. And please call me Catherine."
"Catherine." He repeated and loved how her name sounded when he spoke it. "Why don't you come over before, say around seven, no take out this time, I'll cook and then we'll go out."
"You'll cook?" She seemed honestly surprised.
"I was told I'm not too bad at that, though Eli is the real artist."
She grinned.
"Alright, seven it is. I'm sorry, I got a lot of work to do. See you then."
And she sauntered away into the maze of glass-wall lined corridors of the lab.
Leonard exhaled, he was definitely looking forward to this evening. Now that was settled, on to more serious things.
Sara still stood frozen at the corner.
"Hi Sara." He greeted her.
"Hello Leonard." Her tone was cold. She was confused about his sudden emergence, even more so after what had happened this night. He couldn't possibly already know.
"Uh, do you have a minute? I'd like to talk to you."
Sara shrugged and decided just to listen and find out what that was all about. She pointed to the break room and started walking towards it, Leonard at her heels.
She poured both of them a coffee and mentioned him to sit down.
"What happened tonight, Sara?"
She groaned and buried her head in her hands.
"Look, I don't know a thing really, I just arrived an hour ago and as I turned my phone on again I had a message from Eli. Saying nothing concrete, just that something had gone wrong between the two of you today. I came here on a hunch that it'd be important that I talked to you before I meet Eli. When's your shift over?"
Sara scowled, but was somehow glad Leonard had appeared. He would know what could possibly drive Eli to say the things she had said.
"In about an hour. And I got no leads on my case so far, so there's no need for overtime today."
"Then I'd suggest we'd have breakfast together. Preferably somewhere Eli wouldn't go, since she's doing the same thing with a friend, at least she told me that."
The wheels started turning in Sara's head. Who would Eli talk with? Catherine hadn't shown any sign that she knew anything yet. Sofia. She'd talk to Sofia.
"I know a place. I gotta... I have to finish up. Stay here, have another coffee if you like. I'll pick you up as soon as I'm done."
*******
"Argh, Eli! You screwed up big time! God, what have you been thinking?"
Sofia's fork had clattered down on her plate as Eli had told her what scene had taken place behind the CSI building.
They stared each other down, angry blue eyes unblinkingly locked with defiant brown ones.
They ate in silence.
They ordered beer, their coffees untouched.
"I don't fall for fools, so I know you aren't one. I get your fear, Eli, I do, believe me. But the person you're so afraid of isn't you anymore. You won't be able to avoid hurting Sara, just to make that clear. But not in the ways you are fearing the most. But you will hurt her. You will forget about a meeting because you're wrapped up in work. You will say something and she'll completely miss the meaning and be royally mad at you. For a minute, an hour, hell even for a couple of days. Should you ever become involved, romantically, that is, there are even more traps. You'll spoil a date by picking the wrong restaurant, eating half-raw steaks in front of her, getting drunk too fast, you'll be tired when she isn't, if you get my drift on that one, you'll argue about scattered clothes in the living room or dishes piling up beside an empty dishwasher. You'll get angry and say things you'll regret the second you say them, but the thing is, you are aware that they were wrong. You know your flaws better than most people ever will. Because you spent a quarter of your life on reversing them."
"I-"
"Don't say a thing, I'm not done yet! Do you trust me, Eli!"
"I think I do, yeah."
"Then close your eyes and tell me what you see."
"The insides of my eyelids." Eli snapped, still annoyed and angry.
"Smartass!"
"I see her, I always see her."
A warm hand settled on her chest, right above her heart.
"What do you feel seeing her, in here?" The hand pressed down a bit. Sofia's voice was soft now, and tinged with a tiny bit of sadness, but even and firm.
"Fear, love, doubt, amazement." Eli enumerated honestly.
"You're allowed to be afraid, you're allowed to have doubts. I you wouldn't after all the two of you have been through, you'd be a heartless, self-absorbed bitch. And hey, you've been there, done that. Not anymore. What's important are the other two. She amazes you? Hold on to that feeling the next time you see her. You love her? Then there's nothing left to say for me but: get her, tiger!"
Eyes still closed, Sofia's hand still resting on her chest, Eli smiled, suddenly giddy, that was something only Sofia could say without making it sound extremely clichéd.
"Get her, tiger?"
The hand was withdrawn and Eli blinked and stared at a pouting blonde back on her seat across from her in the booth.
Eli grinned.
"You're lovely when you look like that. And yeah, fuck, you're right, but it seems so hard."
"Trent, if anything remotely connected to the big feeling that is love would be easy, we'd both not be sitting here. I'd still be with my first love and you'd already be celebrating your tenth or eleventh anniversary with Sara."
Now Eli outright laughed.
"How do you do that, Sophie? You, and Catherine for her part, you know always what to say to make me feel at almost complete ease with anything that's bugging me."
"You should know that it's always easier to give others advice or stuff their faces right into what they should understand than using that knowledge for one self."
"True."
"I know." Sofia grinned smugly. "And what would be my reward for guiding you back on the right path or better, setting your head straight? Half an hour of wildly making out in the backseat of my car?"
Eli's jaw dropped significantly.
"You wish, Curtis..." She squinted her eyes as Sofia leaned a bit over the table.
"Actually, yes. Could be really somewhat satisfying for me, taking into account your previous experiences, I wonder how many times-" She leaned back and crossed her arms in front of her chest, cockily leering as Eli screeched and threw her hands in the air.
"Aaaahhh, stop it, Sofia. Pictures, pictures!"
"Glad to make you share my suffering for at least a minute or so." Still she smiled.
"You're such a tease, Curtis, and it's getting you nowhere. First you give me possible relationship advice in all honesty and then-" Sofia waved and Eli stopped talking.
"Aw, shut up! Are you feeling better now?"
"Considerably. No, I feel much better."
"And you're laughing, that's what I wanted to hear."
Eli pursed her lips and nodded. "Yeah..."
Then a shocked expression of insight ran across Eli's features.
" God, how am I ever going to apologize? I can't back down like that and pretend like nothing ever happened the next day and just act normal again."
"Think of something out of the ordinary. Take her some place special and apologize there. You got the money, you can make almost anything happen."
"Sara doesn't care about money." Frowning, Eli tipped her fingers over her mouth at a slow pace, thinking.
"That's why I said make it special, make it count. Make it so she forgets about what it might have cost you because she's so enthralled that she doesn't even start to think about it."
"Sofia, you're a piece of gold!"
"Ts, I already knew that!"
*******
"You're not eating." Leonard forked up another piece of maple syrup-soaked pancake while Sara only picked at her omelet.
"I'm not really hungry. Just repeating those words makes me nauseous. And so mad." She sighed deeply.
"Tell me Leonard, you know her, I mean, really know her, what makes her tick. Why would she fight so hard for another chance and the moment I'm giving it to her, start to open up, accept that there is more than just a slight possibility for us to become friends again, she retreats so vehemently? Why?" Sara shook her head and absent-mindedly sipped her lukewarm coffee.
Leonard smiled, irritating Sara even more. He stuffed a couple of melon chunks into his mouth and chewed. He liked Sara. Genuinely. He could only imagine how she must have been like when she was in her early twenties, what a challenge she must have represented for Eli, and still did. He swallowed and set his fork down, folding his hands over the plate, elbows propped up on the table. Sara seemed lost in thought as the diner buzzed loudly around them with the morning business, orders were barked into the kitchen, the coffee maker gurgled, announcing a fresh load was almost finished, people chatted excitedly between bites of toasts, scrambled eggs or pancakes and the bell over the entrance door chimed every few seconds. He took a deep breath.
"You're smart, you know the answer already, she gave it to you. Process what she said again, as if it was evidence and take into account everything that brought you here, from the day you met up until today."
Sara gazed at him bleakly. The major events between them during the last twelve-and-then-some years rushed through her head. Meeting, finding a connection, common grounds, becoming friends, fighting like the cat and dog they were, Eli's attitude, her own feelings, telling her her deepest truths, attraction, denial, then being deceived, losing Claire, hate, despise, hurt, anger, meeting again, Eli a mere shadow of her former self, more anger, then Vegas. A different woman, yet so much more herself than ever before, doubt, still so much anger, faint hope, renewed attraction, observing, evaluating, approaching, trying, reconnecting, being pushed away.
"Sara, do you think she might hurt you again one day?"
She raised her head to meet Leonard's questioning gaze.
"Oh yes, I do."
He cocked his head.
"Still you wrote that mail, are willing to give her a chance?"
"Yes." Sara's expression was stern and focused.
"Are you afraid?"
"Terrified." That was easy to admit. Yes, Eli sure wasn't the only one scared shitless at times.
"Why did you do it anyways?"
"Because I want to believe that it won't happen again. That she's really learned from her mistakes."
Sara had never thought that she might be the one taking the leap of faith.
"Believe me, she has. And you are obviously much stronger than Eli is right now. She's trying to protect you from a side of her that doesn't even exist anymore. Face it, Sara, she loves you so much that even the mere thought of her eventually ever hurting you again, on any kind of level is killing her."
"But if we never try then we'll never know. And we'll always be wondering what could have happened, if it might have worked out fine in the end. That hurts, too! It hurts even more than trying and failing." She spit those words out angrily.
"Then go and tell her exactly that. That it already hurts, that her denial, her false sense of protectiveness hurts."
Sara looked down at her wobbly and cold breakfast and nodded.
"Thank you, Leonard."
He smiled warily and gently placed his hand over Sara's on the scratched PVC table cover.
"Oh, you're welcome, Sara. I love that woman, she is my best friend. I can't be happy as long as she is not."
Smiling, Sara scrutinized Leonard.
"And you think I can do that, make her happy?"
He gave her hand a little squeeze.
"Depends on what you are really feeling. She loves you, with all her heart. She'd settle for a friendship, but that wouldn't be happiness, that would just offer a certain peace of mind. So what do you feel."
"I'm not sure." Sara hesitated. "I did miss her. I missed my friend, the Eli I trusted. But I also missed the feelings she aroused in me. She broke my heart in more ways than one. I am attracted to her, there definitely is no denying it. I don't know if I love her though."
"What if she just came up to you and kissed you, right here, right now?"
He withdrew his hand, giving her a moment to think.
Anticipation, glee even flooded through Sara. She closed her eyes and tried to imagine. Eli, in her stainless, perfect shirt, her flattering well-tailored slacks, a bright smile on her face, walking up to her with that unmistakable, gentle swagger. Her stomach fluttered and she felt her cheeks grow hot. Eli's hand caressing her face with a warm and enticing touch, leaning in, ever so slowly. A shy brush of lips leaving a tingle, the tingle quickly transforming into hunger. Oh my...
"God!" She exclaimed, her eyes flying wide open.
Leonard grinned.
"You look a little flushed, Miss Sidle, should I be worried, are you catching a cold or something?"
She groaned. "Not funny, Leonard."
"Now think what the real thing would do to you. I think you have your answer."
"Yeah-", she replied with a raspy voice. "I most certainly do."