In Debt
I feel dirty having two journals in a row be just quizzes that other people have taken and I parroted back. Makes me feel like one of those journal-keepers that don't really keep a journal, but rather a record of all of the silly only whatsits they've ever visited.
Looking back at some of my latest journals, I notice I often just leave a link, perhaps make an observation, and leave it at that. As if I'm some sort of pompous reporter type person. That's not the right sentence I meant to write at all, but I'm loathe to delete words in my journal. I try to keep it as much like a physical journal as possible; stream-of-consciousness and all that, no censorship of the mind. Just trying to let the words flow. Sometimes they're the wrong words; sometimes they don't make sense. But it *is* a journal, after all, so ... what can you expect?
I've been thinking a bit, recently, about my past... and my future. Hehehe. What a revelation, eh?
I actually started thinking about my previous relationships (not speaking of the romantic ones, just ... in general, relationships I've had) before Niina responed to my entry the other day, but she's brought the thinking to light. It's strange, to me, that people would continue to hold connections past the convenient departure. Again, the wrong words... but I blame it on the fact that it's 3:45am and I still have to study for two exams tomorrow. I really shouldn't have played WoW tonight. Ah well.
Anyways, my point is that I left FAU, and I did so rather abruptly. I said goodbye to next to no one, and I assumed any friendships I still had kinda clinging would have been shattered by the insult of not saying goodbye as I left. "If he didn't care enough to say goodbye, I don't care enough to keep in touch." That sort of thing. I did the same thing after High School to most of my friends, as well. Not that I'd really call most of the people I knew "friends" exactly, since I reserve that term to people I know intimately (and those people number pretty few). But still... aside from Reese, really, I've drifted out of touch ... no, *fallen* out of touch with everyone I once knew.
I would say it's depressing, but ... I can only genuinely say that when I view my life from a third-person perspective. I, David, do not regret the lack of lasting friendships. I, David, however, regret that a person would lose so many relationships and not regret the loss. It's ... strange. I'm very detached. I don't know which feeling is real, or if either one is even fake. Perhaps they're both real? I don't know, can't tell, and honestly don't care to find out.
Since it's my journal, there's no reason to be overly politically correct, though I know lack of sensitivity has bit me in the ass before (reference the journals where I talked about Sara from Sarasota and K.T., the crush during my first semester of college). There are a number of people in my life right now, outside of my girlfriend, Sara (yeah, still dating her =P)... but they basically fall into two categories: 1) People I know through Sara and 2) People I know through my D&D group. The thing is, though, I've joined the D&D group through Sara as well, and so I can't help but feel like everyone in it falls under the first category, and is just a subgroup or something. At FAU, I had *my* friends, to whom I introduced Sara. *I* was the one who stayed up late with Sean, Cass, and Val doing math or programming; I was the one who talked about going fencing with Amy, Jen, and Rachel; I was the one who hung out with people who I was associated with. This kind of solo ... again, a word blank, I'll just call it solo work - though, has disappeared since I came to UCF. I no longer have people that I hang out with. I have people that *we* hang out with.
Make no mistake, this is not a list of complaints or grievances; if anyone asked me if I'd rather hang out with XXXX, or XXXX and Sara, I'd unilaterally choose the latter. There's not a moment that goes by that I'd rather be spending with Sara than not, but this is definitely an observed change in my lifestyle. Not necessarily my mindset, but just the way I go about living. At FAU, I didn't really have the option to hang out with Sara *and*. It was either Sara (via AIM or WoW) or friends (via the normal methods of hanging out). Here at UCF, I now have an option; nearly always I can choose between hanging out with friends, or Sara *and* friends. Another observation I've made, though, is that when I don't have a choice (when my only option is to hang out with friends, because Sara is unavailable), I'm more likely to choose to stay alone. I believe the reason for this choice is due to the categories of friends I have to choose from... I've categorized everyone I know at UCF as people I know through Sara, and thus can't comfortably hang out without Sara, as then the "connector" is gone.
And thus I'm in a bit of a situation. I have no friends that I know through me as opposed to through Sara, and thus will spend very little time willingly away from Sara. As a consequence, I will choose either to spend time with Sara or by myself, instead of seeking out new friends, meaning that I will make no friends on my own, since I never prefer to do so, since that would give me reason to spend time away from Sara.
Anyways, my point is that I'm unsure of whether this is a good thing or not. Part of me believes that I'm simply the type of person who can be happy interacting with just one person. After all, I've never been a terribly social person, so it's not too far of a stretch to imagine myself as a pseudo-loner type. The other part, however - and this is the part that's been acting up recently - has been reflecting on my past, thinking of all the relationships I've had prior to my relationship with Sara and calling into question my self-appointed "pseudo-loner" label.
So, the real question is... am I happy? It's such a complicated question, with many facets, though... and so a simple yes-or-no answer isn't really going to cut it.
Perhaps a better, more poignant question; am I happy with my non-romantic relationships? No matter what I try to rationalize as an answer, I can't help but admit that the answer is no. I think that's why I spend so much time with Sara... because I've got no *better* options. The truth is, though, I'm worried that if I find *better* options - people I enjoy hanging out with sans Sara - my relationship with her will diminish. I've really never been in a long-term relationship... I imagine that it's probably healthier to have other social interests aside from Sara, but ... that's not what it feels like I want. Is what I want good, though? Is focusing all of my social interaction on Sara healthy for our relationship, or will it burn it out at some point? Moreover, if what I want will burn out our relationship, is the relationship even meant to last?
People say that to have a lasting relationship, sometimes you have to work hard at it... my response is usually, "Well then, maybe you've just got so tired of trying to find the perfect relationship, that you're just settling, and that's why you have to work so hard?" What if I'm wrong, though? What if the most perfect relationship still involves a lot of work?
What if I'm right, though? What if the perfect relationship is effortless, and what I want will always coincide with what's best for the relationship?
I guess I've just got a bit of conflict goin' on... I want a few things:
1) I want what's best for my relationship with Sara. I love her, and I'm very happy with the way things are; I want them to continue going on just as they are, and I'd like things to follow through to their eventual end. I'm very hopeful that their eventual end is together.
2) I want ... what I want. I have urges and desires, sometimes rational and sometimes not. One of my main personal mantras is to keep my happiness foremost in my mind... this life just doesn't seem worth living if I don't keep an eye on what will make me happy. Under this category, falls things like how I want some social relationships that aren't built through Sara.
The problem, though, is that I'm not sure that what I want (2) is best for my relationship(1). It's a strange sort of verbiage going on here, because it's true that I want what is best for my relationship, but it's also true that what I want might not be what's best for my relationship. See how that works? Confusing to you, I'm sure, and I'd wager that I'll be confused if I read this tomorrow morning... but right now, at least, it makes sense to me.
So what do I do? I fear that what I want will endanger my relationship, but I also fear that denying my desires will endanger my personal happiness. Which do I put first? If this relationship is "destined" to last, then I should put it before all else, even personal desires. But if it's "destined" to last, won't it last irrespective of what I do? If this relationship is "destined" to fail, then putting it before all else, even personal desires, could be devastating to my personal happiness... and if it's destined to fail, then nothing I do will prevent it from happening (even ignore my personal desires). Under this line of reasoning, it would seem that I should do whatever I want, since things will happen in the relationship whether I want them to or not...
But that, of course, assumes that things are "destined" to happen. If they're not - if there's a cause-effect relationship (which I believe more strongly in than "destiny') - then the situation is more complicated, as there are more variables. There are too many "What if...?"s to count, and no way to logically determine which is best. My default method of resolution for illogical decisions is usually to ask myself, "Which will make you happier?" and... in this case, I can't answer that. Which will make me happier? A working, functional relationship, or doing what makes me happy? The "or" might be inclusive, as well, which makes it even more complicated... since it *could* alternatively be exclusive. I just... can't tell.
I think I've about out-thought myself for the night. Back to studying.
Looking back at some of my latest journals, I notice I often just leave a link, perhaps make an observation, and leave it at that. As if I'm some sort of pompous reporter type person. That's not the right sentence I meant to write at all, but I'm loathe to delete words in my journal. I try to keep it as much like a physical journal as possible; stream-of-consciousness and all that, no censorship of the mind. Just trying to let the words flow. Sometimes they're the wrong words; sometimes they don't make sense. But it *is* a journal, after all, so ... what can you expect?
I've been thinking a bit, recently, about my past... and my future. Hehehe. What a revelation, eh?
I actually started thinking about my previous relationships (not speaking of the romantic ones, just ... in general, relationships I've had) before Niina responed to my entry the other day, but she's brought the thinking to light. It's strange, to me, that people would continue to hold connections past the convenient departure. Again, the wrong words... but I blame it on the fact that it's 3:45am and I still have to study for two exams tomorrow. I really shouldn't have played WoW tonight. Ah well.
Anyways, my point is that I left FAU, and I did so rather abruptly. I said goodbye to next to no one, and I assumed any friendships I still had kinda clinging would have been shattered by the insult of not saying goodbye as I left. "If he didn't care enough to say goodbye, I don't care enough to keep in touch." That sort of thing. I did the same thing after High School to most of my friends, as well. Not that I'd really call most of the people I knew "friends" exactly, since I reserve that term to people I know intimately (and those people number pretty few). But still... aside from Reese, really, I've drifted out of touch ... no, *fallen* out of touch with everyone I once knew.
I would say it's depressing, but ... I can only genuinely say that when I view my life from a third-person perspective. I, David, do not regret the lack of lasting friendships. I, David, however, regret that a person would lose so many relationships and not regret the loss. It's ... strange. I'm very detached. I don't know which feeling is real, or if either one is even fake. Perhaps they're both real? I don't know, can't tell, and honestly don't care to find out.
Since it's my journal, there's no reason to be overly politically correct, though I know lack of sensitivity has bit me in the ass before (reference the journals where I talked about Sara from Sarasota and K.T., the crush during my first semester of college). There are a number of people in my life right now, outside of my girlfriend, Sara (yeah, still dating her =P)... but they basically fall into two categories: 1) People I know through Sara and 2) People I know through my D&D group. The thing is, though, I've joined the D&D group through Sara as well, and so I can't help but feel like everyone in it falls under the first category, and is just a subgroup or something. At FAU, I had *my* friends, to whom I introduced Sara. *I* was the one who stayed up late with Sean, Cass, and Val doing math or programming; I was the one who talked about going fencing with Amy, Jen, and Rachel; I was the one who hung out with people who I was associated with. This kind of solo ... again, a word blank, I'll just call it solo work - though, has disappeared since I came to UCF. I no longer have people that I hang out with. I have people that *we* hang out with.
Make no mistake, this is not a list of complaints or grievances; if anyone asked me if I'd rather hang out with XXXX, or XXXX and Sara, I'd unilaterally choose the latter. There's not a moment that goes by that I'd rather be spending with Sara than not, but this is definitely an observed change in my lifestyle. Not necessarily my mindset, but just the way I go about living. At FAU, I didn't really have the option to hang out with Sara *and*. It was either Sara (via AIM or WoW) or friends (via the normal methods of hanging out). Here at UCF, I now have an option; nearly always I can choose between hanging out with friends, or Sara *and* friends. Another observation I've made, though, is that when I don't have a choice (when my only option is to hang out with friends, because Sara is unavailable), I'm more likely to choose to stay alone. I believe the reason for this choice is due to the categories of friends I have to choose from... I've categorized everyone I know at UCF as people I know through Sara, and thus can't comfortably hang out without Sara, as then the "connector" is gone.
And thus I'm in a bit of a situation. I have no friends that I know through me as opposed to through Sara, and thus will spend very little time willingly away from Sara. As a consequence, I will choose either to spend time with Sara or by myself, instead of seeking out new friends, meaning that I will make no friends on my own, since I never prefer to do so, since that would give me reason to spend time away from Sara.
Anyways, my point is that I'm unsure of whether this is a good thing or not. Part of me believes that I'm simply the type of person who can be happy interacting with just one person. After all, I've never been a terribly social person, so it's not too far of a stretch to imagine myself as a pseudo-loner type. The other part, however - and this is the part that's been acting up recently - has been reflecting on my past, thinking of all the relationships I've had prior to my relationship with Sara and calling into question my self-appointed "pseudo-loner" label.
So, the real question is... am I happy? It's such a complicated question, with many facets, though... and so a simple yes-or-no answer isn't really going to cut it.
Perhaps a better, more poignant question; am I happy with my non-romantic relationships? No matter what I try to rationalize as an answer, I can't help but admit that the answer is no. I think that's why I spend so much time with Sara... because I've got no *better* options. The truth is, though, I'm worried that if I find *better* options - people I enjoy hanging out with sans Sara - my relationship with her will diminish. I've really never been in a long-term relationship... I imagine that it's probably healthier to have other social interests aside from Sara, but ... that's not what it feels like I want. Is what I want good, though? Is focusing all of my social interaction on Sara healthy for our relationship, or will it burn it out at some point? Moreover, if what I want will burn out our relationship, is the relationship even meant to last?
People say that to have a lasting relationship, sometimes you have to work hard at it... my response is usually, "Well then, maybe you've just got so tired of trying to find the perfect relationship, that you're just settling, and that's why you have to work so hard?" What if I'm wrong, though? What if the most perfect relationship still involves a lot of work?
What if I'm right, though? What if the perfect relationship is effortless, and what I want will always coincide with what's best for the relationship?
I guess I've just got a bit of conflict goin' on... I want a few things:
1) I want what's best for my relationship with Sara. I love her, and I'm very happy with the way things are; I want them to continue going on just as they are, and I'd like things to follow through to their eventual end. I'm very hopeful that their eventual end is together.
2) I want ... what I want. I have urges and desires, sometimes rational and sometimes not. One of my main personal mantras is to keep my happiness foremost in my mind... this life just doesn't seem worth living if I don't keep an eye on what will make me happy. Under this category, falls things like how I want some social relationships that aren't built through Sara.
The problem, though, is that I'm not sure that what I want (2) is best for my relationship(1). It's a strange sort of verbiage going on here, because it's true that I want what is best for my relationship, but it's also true that what I want might not be what's best for my relationship. See how that works? Confusing to you, I'm sure, and I'd wager that I'll be confused if I read this tomorrow morning... but right now, at least, it makes sense to me.
So what do I do? I fear that what I want will endanger my relationship, but I also fear that denying my desires will endanger my personal happiness. Which do I put first? If this relationship is "destined" to last, then I should put it before all else, even personal desires. But if it's "destined" to last, won't it last irrespective of what I do? If this relationship is "destined" to fail, then putting it before all else, even personal desires, could be devastating to my personal happiness... and if it's destined to fail, then nothing I do will prevent it from happening (even ignore my personal desires). Under this line of reasoning, it would seem that I should do whatever I want, since things will happen in the relationship whether I want them to or not...
But that, of course, assumes that things are "destined" to happen. If they're not - if there's a cause-effect relationship (which I believe more strongly in than "destiny') - then the situation is more complicated, as there are more variables. There are too many "What if...?"s to count, and no way to logically determine which is best. My default method of resolution for illogical decisions is usually to ask myself, "Which will make you happier?" and... in this case, I can't answer that. Which will make me happier? A working, functional relationship, or doing what makes me happy? The "or" might be inclusive, as well, which makes it even more complicated... since it *could* alternatively be exclusive. I just... can't tell.
I think I've about out-thought myself for the night. Back to studying.